Being Transformed by His Grace

The Chance To Make Right a 20 Year Regret

2012-01-17T10:32:00.000-06:00

I've lived 20+ years with the regret of not getting a college degree. It was easy to justify, seeing that I thought I was "just too dumb" to get a college degree. How sad to think that I wasted 1/2 of my life believing the lie that I'm not smart enough.

So today, backpack, computer and spiral notebook in hand I set out to finish the journey that I started 22 years ago. I'm nervous, I'm not going to lie. It seems that whenever I walk around the campus I feel as young as most of the students, but inside I wonder if they are looking at me and wondering "what's up with that old lady"?

God give me grace today. Help me to see others as you see them. And Lord even more than that, help me to see myself as you see me. Your smart precious daughter, going out into the world to accomplish the dream she thought was forever dead.

Tommy said to me yesterday, "I've never seen anyone as excited to go to school as you are mom". I told him, "it's not every day that you get the chance to make right a 20 year regret.

The butterflies are definitely active. The closer it gets to the time I need to leave, the more nervous I'm becoming. Hopefully, I will not pass out or throw up before this day is done!

Lord, give me courage. Help me to remain calm. Give me peace. Help me to see You everywhere I go today. Lord, I feel like this is your gift to me. The precious gift of a second chance. Help me to appreciate it, work hard and make YOU proud! : )

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Conquered or Courageous?

2012-01-13T09:11:00.000-06:00

I'm starting back to college next Tuesday. I've never been a full time college student, and frankly, after being on campus yesterday getting my student ID, parking pass and books, I'm more than a little intimidated. Actually petrified is a more accurate description.

This fear and insecurity has really caught me off guard. I was so excited when I first felt God calling me to go back to school and finish my degree. But now, the closer I get to actually stepping foot in a classroom, the more insecure and afraid I'm becoming.

This isn't the "Lisa" I know today. This is the 13 year old Lisa in middle school. The girl who didn't believe she was smart enough and didn't have the self confidence to try new things. The girl that quit when things got hard. The girl that said "yes" because she was too insecure to say "no". The girl that didn't try out for basketball because she was too afraid she would make a fool out of herself. The girl that married the first boy that came along because she was afraid no one else would want her. The girl that I thought was dead, buried and long gone has all of the sudden reappeared.

As I sit here I have to remind myself over and over that I'm not that girl anymore. I'm 49 not 13. I'm a good wife and caring mother. I've been a successful sales manager (even without a college education). And now God has called me to go back to school and He would not ask me to do anything that he hasn't equipped me to do. I have to remind myself that He doesn't want to see me make a fool out of myself. That's not who He is.....He is love. He's my biggest cheerleader. He only wants good things for me.

As I was praying and spending time with God this morning, I kept telling him "I'm afraid", "I'm insecure", "I want to feel (and be) courageous God"! Help me! Then in His loving way, He led me to the perfect verse.

And now, my dear daughter, don't you worry about a thing; (I could stop right there, but it gets better!); I'll do all you could want or ask. (Yes He said ALL)!; Everybody in town knows what a courageous woman you are - a real prize! (Is he bragging on me? Yes I think he is!) Ruth 3:11 MSG

Wow what a verse! What a promise!

God thank you so much for showing me this verse. The first thing I notice is You refer to me as Your "dear daughter". What a wonderful, tender and loving way to address me. I can almost see You sitting here with me, holding my hands cupped in Yours as you look directly in my eyes and say "dear daughter", do not be afraid! You can do this, Lisa!

Father God, take my fear and replace it with confidence. Help me to not slip back into the insecure 13 year old girl. Remind me today and the next few days and weeks that I have grown into a courageous woman. Your courageous woman.

Be blessed,

Lisa

2011 The Worst And The Best All In One!

2011-12-30T10:45:00.004-06:00

The year 2011 will go down in my life as one of the worst and one of the best! The lessons learned were valuable but not easy or without pain!

This year taught me that I can plan out my life all I want. I can have it wrapped up in my mind, tied up with a pretty bow, but that doesn't mean anything! God didn't put me on this earth to complete my plan for my life. He put me on earth and has kept me here because HE has a plan for my life. And his plan supersedes any plan of mine!

This time last year I was working for Sentry Insurance. A company that I had worked for 12 years. My plan was to work for them until I retired on June 1, 2025. Yes, I even had my retirement date planned out. I had exactly 13 more years. But on April 29, 2011 my plans came to an abrupt end, I was laid off.

I'm so grateful that God wasn't surprised by my layoff. He was already working in my heart to move me into the next phase of my life.

This time last year I was starting to feel a tug and yearning in my heart to volunteer at The Union Gospel Mission. This is a place that I knew nothing about, except the fact that my mother-in-law volunteered her time there before she passed away. I only knew my Mother-In-Law, Marcella Hodges a brief time, but she had a profound impact on my life. And I wanted to honor her memory by volunteering where she served.

It took me a little time to get up the nerve to go down to The Union Gospel Mission all by myself. This was very much out of my comfort zone. I kept thinking I would go when I wasn't as busy or "things" settled down. Finally in the first part of April I made my way down to East Lancaster, near downtown Fort Worth, to attend their volunteer orientation.

Little did I know how important the time I spent and people I would meet at the Union Gospel Mission would become in my life story of 2011.

You see even though I was interviewing for jobs and even went through a two month hiring process with a very well known and successful insurance company no one would hire me. As the "no's" kept coming I knew that for some reason God didn't want me going to work for another insurance company right now. I started assuming that He planned for me to work with Charlie building his business.

But in October I had a "chance" encounter with a resident at the Mission. I was working in the kitchen cracking eggs with a couple of residents talking to them about their lives and "what they do", when one of them told me he was going to TCC to get his degree in Psychology. He said "I had 30 something hours from the 80's and they were still good". At that time I thought to myself "I have some hours from the 80's, I wonder if they are still good too?"

That's all it took, just a random statement that set my life on another path. Yes, I am going back to school. I went home that day and found my old transcript and saw 21 hours with 3.29 GPA. I was mostly amazed at my GPA, because I have lived my life telling myself that I was just "to dumb" to finish my college degree.

So I applied to several colleges. I received a call from the Admissions office at TCU and had a 45 minute conversation about their "Social Work" program. I had never thought about going into Social Work until she brought it up. When I was going to college in the 80's I was going to get a Psychology degree so I could counsel people that were going through divorce. I thought it would be a great way for me to help others going through what I have experienced so many times in my life. So I just assumed I would pick up where I left off with my degree in Psychology.

However, a Social Work Bachelors degree can open a lot of doors for me and if I go on and get a Master's in Counseling (YES, I just said Masters Degree) I can then be a counselor and work with the homeless.

I have developed such a burden in my heart for the homeless. I see them different than I did this time last year. I want to help them, not just with their physical needs, but also with their spiritual needs. I want them to know Jesus, the One who can completely turn their life around and heal them from any and all pain or addictions. The One that can give them a new start, a new life, no matter where they are now or where they have been.

I have registered and will be attending Tarrant County College starting in January 2012. That way I can get some more of my basic classes completed at a relatively cheap rate and then transfer to TCU most likely in the spring of 2013 as a Junior.

God has blessed Charlie's business so much this year that he is encouraging me and supporting me in my new direction in life. He wants me to go to school full time. My husband and best friend, with God's help is giving me the opportunity to finally accomplish my dream of receiving a college degree.

My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Amen and Amen!

Thank you Lord for this past year, it has definitely been the worst and the best. The pain and hurt from being laid off was excruciating. But that pain has given way to an incredible joy and peace. The peace that I have knowing that you are in control and you have a new path for me to follow. You have taken me out of the "security" of my corporate job and placed my feet on a road that I never would have foreseen. I have watched you open and close doors this year and have felt you point me in this new direction. Lord, you are so good. As I sit here writing I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am overwhelmed by your goodness and love. I am living out my favorite verse God, You do have a plan for me, and it is one filled with hope and a future.

Be blessed,

Lisa

Sugar Free Gum, My New Best Friend!

2011-08-04T09:31:00.000-05:00

One of my worst struggles when I am trying to lose weight is wanting dessert after a meal. Doesn't matter if it is lunch or dinner, I need that sweet fix! And seriously it IS a fix! I think I'm addicted!

It doesn't matter if I'm at home or at a restaurant I'm looking for a cookie, ice cream, pudding, cheesecake or even my famous sugar free banana pudding that I made this past weekend.

Aw, it was so nice telling everyone "help yourself it's sugar free and fat free". However that does not mean calorie free even though I like to pretend it does!

The calculated serving size for that sugar free banana pudding is 1/2 a cup. I noticed as I "helped myself" to multiple servings Sunday, Monday and Tuesday that my servings kept getting bigger and bigger. I love the stuff plain and simple! And I could always hear my "little voice" in the background saying "It's okay, Lisa it's sugar free"!

So looking for a replacement to my after meal sweet fix has been on the top of my list. Because apparently "sugar free" doesn't mean I have control of myself!

I remember when the "no/low fat" diet came out in the late 80's early 90's. I could sit and eat an entire bag of cookies that were "no fat" because "no fat doesn't make you fat". That makes me laugh just to think about it!

As I have found out, "no fat" DOES have calories and CALORIES if you eat more than you burn DO MAKE YOU FAT!

That's where sugar free gum comes in to play! I have realized that sugar free gum is amazing.

First of all it does give me that "sweet or fresh" feeling that helps me with my desire for something sweet. But the best part is, if I have something in my mouth, I'm not going to put anything else in it!

I'm pretty sure this will be just ONE piece (ha ha no pun intended) of my "getting healthy" habit. But a very important piece at that!

Be Blessed!

Lisa

Father God thank you so much for all that I am learning. Chewing gum after a meal is so easy to do. And it really does help with my sweet cravings. I guess it's kind of like the nicorette gum I used when I quit smoking. I can't help but equate this journey with that journey Lord. It was hard. Probably one of the hardest things I have every done. And now Lord, with your help, once again, I am making strides towards a healthier body. Thank you for the strength you provide me every day. Help me as I continue to move forward to not get discouraged. But to press on....

Comparing Myself To Others......

2011-07-30T10:11:00.000-05:00

When will I stop comparing myself to others? When will I stop wishing I looked like them? Will I ever find contentment just being who God made me to be?

Will I ever get to the place where I see my reflection in the mirror and just smile. A smile of contentment, knowing that I am happy with who I am and how I look. Is that possible? Will it ever be a reality?

I was going to a woman's conference last night with a really good friend who I love dearly. As soon as I saw her get in my car I thought to myself "she looks so cute", "she is so small", "I wish I looked like that"! I immediately started thinking how frumpy, fat and ugly I felt.

I had just spent 30 minutes changing clothes over and over trying to look "decent". It took 3 outfits and I finally felt "okay" about how I looked. But as I was changing all I kept saying to myself was, "you are so fat", "ugh that looks awful", "I'm huge" etc....

Those are statements that I would never think about someone else, much less say to anyone. But they come so quickly and easily for me. Why do I let "me" treat "me" like that? If there is anyone in this world that I should "love to be with", and "be kind to", I'd think that would be ME?

If anyone else said the kind of things that I say and think about me to me I'd end that relationship quickly knowing full well "this is not a healthy relationship".

I can't really do that with me. I am always with me! I constantly see me, talk to me, listen to me, feel me. There is no one on this earth that is closer to me than I am. There is no one that I listen to more than I listen to myself.

So why do I compare? And then more importantly, why don't I treat myself at least as good as I treat total strangers. Can you imagine me going up to a total stranger and saying "my God, you are a total pig, you disgust me". No, but I do it to myself all the time.

It's going to take a conscious effort to start working on not comparing myself to others. It may take a long time to overcome this damaging habit because I've done it all my life. I imagine it started way back in junior high or high school (where most of my bad habits started).

So I have about 35 years of this self defeating bad habit to undo.

Starting today, I'm going to make a conscious effort to work on being nice to me! It starts with looking in the mirror and thinking or saying that "I am special", "God made me and I'm beautiful". Then remembering when I get a glance of myself in the mirror to not immediately think "eww I'm so fat", but replace that with "I am pretty", "I am getting fit and healthy" and lastly "I'm getting better every day".

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Father God, you made me just the way I am. I am your unique design. When I look at the mountains or a rainbow I see your hand at work and smile at the beauty. I am amazed at all that you have created. Help me to see the beauty of me. Your creation as well.

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb". Jeremiah 139:13

Think Before You Eat!

2011-07-29T09:22:00.003-05:00
Have you ever heard the term "think before you speak"? Well, my new motto is "think before you eat"!

Most of my life (no actually all of my life) when I have gone to a restaurant or perused through the pantry or refrigerator for something to eat, I just pick whatever "looks" or "sounds" good. I have never consciously thought about the nutritional value.

Last night was different. Before I even stepped foot into the Olive Garden Restaurant I had my meal planned. Technology is awesome and My Fitness Pal App is really helpful.

I have to say it wasn't easy to pick, because everything was so high in calories. I did find some reasonable choices that I could eat. But at times, I found myself thinking "holy crap" that entree has a days worth of calories in it!

No wonder I am so overweight. I've lived my life eating meals that equal a day or weeks worth of calories. And all of this was happening without me realizing it or maybe I just didn't want to think about it? ("Denial" probably a topic for another blog)!

My final decision came down to minestrone soup, linguine with marinara sauce and one (yes one) bread stick! Total calories consumed 650! Not bad considering, in my "previous life" I would not have worried about calories, fat or carbs. Just comfort. My typical "favorite brainless meal" at the Olive Garden is salad, bread sticks (typically 3-4) and lasagna. Caloric grand total 1650! Amazing!

That means that "thinking" before I ate last night saved me 1,000 calories. That's amazing.

I guess when I think about it, my overall health and physical condition comes down to a lack of "thinking".

Going to the grocery store usually consisted of buying whatever looked good. Not necessarily planning ahead of time to buy healthy, already prepared food (like fruits and veggies). Dinners were always the standard "comfort food" with lots of fat and calories and restaurants, well restaurants were my "totally brainless" meals were I would treat myself to whatever I wanted without worrying about calories.

So it may sound elementary, but I really think I am on to something here! It does take some effort to remember to think! But if I will take the time and think about what food I am eating or buying maybe this time I will be successful. No not maybe! I WILL BE!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Father God, thank you for all that you are teaching me about food, habits and myself. I have lived a life going through the motions not thinking about the food that I am eating and the fact that I don't exercise. Not worrying about what it is doing to my body. The body that you created. The body that I need to make healthy so that I can live a long life that fulfills your purpose for me.

Something Is Better Than Nothing

2011-07-27T08:35:00.000-05:00
I was so tired this morning that it was a fight to just get out of bed. And that was after hitting the snooze once! Then it was another fight to step out the front door and go for my walk. I literally felt like I just didn't have the energy.

As I walked, I started thinking (as my legs got heavier and heavier with every step), "something has got to be better than nothing". Then when I got home I looked at my phone and I realized I had only walked 30 minutes instead of 35. Again the thought came "something is better than nothing". I know that 5 minutes may not sound like a reason to be dissapointed, but 5 more minutes gives me about 32 more calories burned. Again, might not sound like a lot, but when you have as much weight to lose as I do "every little bit counts".

Looking back over my "weight gain" journey, the "something is better than nothing" hasn't exactly been my life's motto. That is probably why I gained all the weight. If I couldn't do the "perfect" eating plan, or the "perfect" workout plan I just did nothing. That is a defeatest attitude. And a recipe for disaster.

Doing something (even a little something) could be the difference in my success or failure. It could be the difference in eating cake for dessert or fruit. It could be the difference in me sleeping 30 more minutes in the morning or getting up and walking.

From now on, each day, I need to celebrate the "something" moments. The moments when I choose healthy food instead of my typical "comfort" food, or getting up and walking, no matter how long or far, instead of sleeping.

I have to remember this is a process. A daily (and sometimes hourly) process where "somethings" add up! And not to extra pounds like in the past, but to a healthier lifestyle and a better me!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Lord, thank you for today! Thank you that I chose to get out of bed and walk. Thank you that I did my best. That I did something! Help me every moment of every day to remember it's not perfection that will give me success, it's persistence, making right choices and just doing "something"!

Day Two! Making Friends on the Web!

2011-07-26T08:45:00.000-05:00
Yesterday my "Motivation to Live Well" Gadget on the left side of my blog was this...."A goal that doesn’t present itself with challenges may not be worth achieving".

Bottom line....this is hard! I was thinking about that this morning when I was walking Sissy. Day two walking is harder than day one. I was tired and didn't want to get up. I didn't have the energy I had yesterday. And for some reason I was not as positive as I was on day one! How quickly that faded!

All I kept thinking was 21 days. From everything I read if you do anything consistently for 21 days it becomes a habit. I assume that is about the time that my endorphins (happy hormones) will be kicking in. So for now, I just do it!

On to another subject!

I found the most amazing website. If you are looking for a FREE website where you can log your food and exercise check out www.myfitnesspal.com.

I went on this site about 1-2 months ago and thought it was awesome, but wasn't ready to really commit. So yesterday I went on again and I absolutely love it.

The first reason I love it is because it is easy! I just add the food I eat whether at home or at a restaurant and the program calculates the nutritional information. Back to the simplicity of calories in vs. calories out. Also adding my exercise is really easy as well. They even have a category for "walking the dog". And this morning when I went 5 minutes longer it adjusted my calories that I burned automatically! It was awesome! Very motivational!

The second reason that I am loving this program is for the friends you can make. It's kind of like facebook, but not really! I added 11 "friends" yesterday but these are people that I don't know from Adam. They are just doing the same thing I am doing, trying to get healthy. The amazing part is they are SO friendly and encouraging.

For example, last night when I was home alone (isn't that where the trouble always begins) I started having cravings. I was moderately hungry, it was a couple of hours before bedtime and I had 15 calories left. I was seriously thinking, "I could starve to death if I don't eat something before I wake up in the morning"!

I logged onto myfitnesspal and shared my struggle. Then I decided to have a banana and a cup of skim milk. After eating my snack I felt better physically, but not emotionally. The guilt monster got a hold of me! I went "over" my allotted calorie count. Should I log this or not. Part of me said no. I didn't want everyone to know that I had gone over my calorie count. But the other part of me said yes, if I'm not honest now, this journey will be fake and a waste of time. Especially since my whole purpose in blogging is to be real.

So I logged it. (Yeah, for the good side winning!) By the time I woke up this morning, I had 6 messages telling me I made a good choice for a snack and they were proud of me for logging. These are total strangers encouraging me. Amazing!

And talk about accountability. You have the option in this program to let others see what you eat. I was like "yikes", "do I really want people to see what I eat"? But it is very helpful. It definitely helped me make the decision I made last night in regards to my snack! I would much rather have people see that I ate a banana and a cup of skim milk instead of the raw cookie dough the kids left in the refrigerator (which was definitely in play!). So the banana and skim milk it was and the cookie dough went in the trash!

So day two has begun. I have already walked and logged my exercise and breakfast. Now I am getting ready to go to work.

Thank you for the kind words and support. Also thank you to all my new "myfitnesspal friends"! You guys are awesome!

Be Blessed!
Lisa

Father God, I thank you so much for leading me to the website myfitnesspal. You know that I am an introvert. That going to meetings isn't really my thing. You also know I will not be successful without accountability partners. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the strength that you gave me to eat a healthy snack last night and not just set out grazing throughout the kitchen like my flesh really wanted to do. Thank you Lord for encouraging me and giving me the strength this morning to walk again. You know how I love the mornings. I love you Lord. Help me to stay strong, to seek you and your face every day. Help me as I become a witness of all that you are doing in my life.

The Countdown Begins Today!

2011-07-25T07:51:00.013-05:00
I just realized that there are forty three weeks until my 50th birthday. There goes my goal of losing one hundred pounds by May 19, 2012. I don't think I can technically do it and be healthy. Losing the weight has gone from a "vanity" issue to a "health" issue for me. (well with a little vanity thrown in!).

The older I get, the harder it is to carry around all of this weight. And truthfully, I am literally sick and tired of hating how I feel as well as how I look.

My goal now is to lose 86 pounds or two pounds a week by May 19th, 2012 my big 5-0! I may have to rename that birthday! Maybe "My Fabulous 5-0!

Eighty six pounds is not my "final" goal. I'm still wanting to lose that magical 100 pounds. However, I don't want to do it with pre-packaged meals or shakes, by starving myself or eating only protein. I've tried all that plus some and yes, I've lost weight, but it's very evident I didn't keep it off. My plan is to eat healthy, limiting my calories going in to less than the calories that are going out. That should do it! Or so I'm told by Dr. Oz!

I walked my new exercise buddy Sissy (my Lab/Great Dane mix) this morning for 30 minutes. She's as out of shape as I am! I'm laughing at her right now because as I sit here blogging she is passed out on the floor snoring!

I'm starting my blog fresh today. For the next 43 weeks or 301 days, I will be blogging about this journey. My personal journey counting down the days and weeks to my 50th birthday. I want that day to be a celebration, not a day that I dread. And oh yeah, I plan on looking and feeling smoking hot! I haven't felt "smoking hot" well, maybe ever! With the exception of my periodic "hot flashes"!

My blog will record my successes and failures while on this journey. And yes, it will be quite a journey! Probably full of ups and downs, good days and bad days, pitty parties, celebrations and even some hissy fits!

I hope to also share new "healthy" recipes that I find, new foods that I learn to enjoy, exercise dvds, blogs, websites and apps that help me along the way. Who knows there may be some women out there that want to join me on this journey!

I feel like God is calling me again to share with others what he is teaching me, not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. This is a real transitional time in my life. I have a lot of things happening, from learning to be a "mom" to two "adult" sons, to working with Charlie and helping him grow our business (self employment vs "job security"), to physically losing 100 pounds and getting healthy.

I can't imagine a more exciting time in my life! I hope you will check in frequently to see what God is teaching me and how he is "transforming me (inside and out) by His grace"!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Dear Lord, thank you for your prompting to get fit. I know you want me to feel good about myself and learn to love who I am, not only on the inside but also on the outside. I also know this journey that I am setting out on will not be easy. For without your strength and guidance I will fail. Help me Lord to have a Godly view of everything I eat and everything I do. Remind me Lord every time I sit down to eat that it is better in the long run to obey your prompting than to have to come to you later and ask for forgiveness. You created me and you know me better than anyone else. Fill me today with your peace. Remind me of your love for me. Keep my eyes focused on you and not on others or even myself. Help me Lord to see my 50th birthday as a wonderful day. A day that will celebrate You, Your creation and Your purpose for me!

All The Days For Me Were Written In Your Book

2011-05-19T09:17:00.007-05:00
Looking back forty years ago today, I turned nine. I lived in Norman, Oklahoma on Live Oak Drive. My parents were married to each other, I had an older brother who thought I was a pest and a baby brother who I thought hung the moon. I went to McKinley Elementary school and I was in the fourth grade. My teacher's name was Mrs. Bratcher and she was without a doubt the meanest teacher I ever had in school! I had a dog named Princess that I found (or rather found me)! I went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night at First Baptist Church in Norman. I spent lots of time outdoors, swimming and playing football or hide and seek with the other kids in the neighborhood. All in all, my life was normal for 1971!

When I was thirteen I became a Christian. I know for a fact that from that time on, if I had died I would have gone to heaven. But it took me a long time to learn that God didn't just want me to make a "decision" to "become" a Christian. He wanted a "personal" relationship with me. He wanted me to come to him for everything. Unfortunately I didn't grasp this realization until after many years of running from Him and painful decision after painful decision.

When I turned nineteen in 1981 I thought I had this "life" thing figured out! I lived in Del City, OK. I had graduated from high school. I had moved out of my parents house. Finally, I was an adult! I didn't go to college, so I was working full time at a t.v. station as an inside sales person. I lived with my soon to be first husband. I had stopped going to church. I figured I had "done my time" with church and God. I started drinking and smoking. Nobody was telling me what to do. Life was great or at least that's what I thought.

From 1981 to 1991 I went through my first divorce. A few months later I met husband number two in a bar in Oklahoma City. After dating him for a few months we moved to Texas and got married. That marriage was a nightmare and after a few years I divorced him. Then a few months later I met husband number three in a bar! Yes, I was definitely developing a pattern. I married him and we were living in Dallas. By this time my parents had moved down to Texas and I was working for my Dad. Even with all the difficult times I had endured up to then, my twenty-ninth birthday present was the best! I found out I was pregnant. Finally, the one thing in my life that I had dreamed of, being a mom was going to happen! My life was definitely on the right track now!

The year 2001 I turned thirty-nine. The ten years from twenty-nine to thirty-nine were difficult to say the least. The best part of that ten years was being Tommy's mom. He was the joy of my life. My parents who had been married for thirty-three years divorced. My marriage once again was a disaster. We filed bankruptcy, our house was foreclosed on, he was arrested and I eventually filed for divorce. It was a tumultuous ten years.

The only reason I made it through that decade with any semblance of sanity was because I went back to church. But it wasn't just the act of going to church like it had been in my childhood. God in his loving and persistent way gave me such a strong desire to establish a personal relationship with Him there was no way I could stay away any longer! I can definitely say without a doubt that I would not have made it without totally relying on Him through this decade. I relied on Him for everything. Even though my life was spinning out of control, I kept my focus on God.

Wow, as I look back on my first 39 years I'm amazed I survived!

I turn forty-nine today! I am married to my fourth and last husband Charlie. We met in the year 2000 and were married in September of 2001. As I look back over our almost ten years of marriage I am so grateful to God for his faithfulness and goodness. Tommy is now 19 and God blessed me with my bonus son Bobby who is 18. We have lived in the same house in Fort Worth for almost 9 years. My marriage is the best. I never dreamed that I would feel the way I do about my husband. After three bad marriages, it's a wonder I tried again. I'm so thankful that I did. Charlie and I have not always had an easy marriage, we've had our hard times, but we are best friends and that seems to cover a lot of "hard times". He took Tommy in and adopted him giving him his name and his love. Even with the change of job recently, my life has never been better. I know that God is in control and He has a wonderful plan for the rest of my life.

The other day I had a heart to heart talk with Ashley, Tommy's girlfriend. She asked me if I believe in fate? That was a thought provoking question! I told her, not really fate, I believe in "God's plan". I believe that even though we go through life and make mistakes, God knows every move we are going to make, so nothing surprises Him. As I look back over my past forty-nine years, it is clear that my hardest years were the years I lived "in my own will" doing what I wanted and not thinking about the repercussions of my decisions. The years that I sought God's will and plan, haven't always been easy, but they have definitely been peaceful!

When I first woke up this morning, I have to admit I was a little shocked that I am forty-nine! It doesn't feel like I should be that old! But as I look back, there are a few things that I have done that I am proud of and know that I made a difference. Unfortunately, there are many more things that I have done that I am not proud of and that are years that I wasted in my life.

Thank you God that you have blessed me with the past forty-nine years. As I look back I see the years without you were the hard ones. Those are the years where I went without so much as talking to you. I can only imagine how You hurt for me through those years. But You also knew I would eventually come back to You!

I am grateful Lord for my life. For the hard times and the good times. Lord you have been so loving and gracious in your forgiveness and direction. I give You the rest of my life Lord. Use me to make a difference every day! Thank you Lord that nothing I have done has surprised you. You knew every day of my life, even before I came to be!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139: 13-16

Greed Is Ugly, But So Is Anger And Resentment!

2011-05-16T07:58:00.009-05:00
I continue to struggle with being really angry about my lay off. For the most part I keep it under wraps by just going through my day concentrating on the busy work I have to do. That is until last week when I received the boxes from my old company for me to use to mail back my equipment. That's when all my held in emotions came flooding back.

My thoughts raced and the tears flowed. "This is not fair", "this is not right", "I didn't do anything wrong", "I don't deserve this", "why did you let this happen God"?

I started thinking about the people who actually initiated the decision to eliminate my division. Many I considered to be not just associates, but friends. These so called "friends" played the corporate game of greed, only thinking of themselves, and not how their "ideas" would affect 60-70 individuals and their livelihood. That's when I started thinking about letting them know what they had done to me.

I actually thought about sending a message that included my picture to a few of them, telling them the following:

"Dear ......., I just wanted you to see my face. This is the face of the person whose life you have completely destroyed. The person who gave everything for 12 years to this company. The person that did a damn good job and who worked everyday trying to do the best for her reps and her company. Greed, is ugly. Tell me something you big jerk, how do you live with yourself?" (or something close to that!)

I thought, yeah, then I would feel better. I would tell them, and they would feel so bad. But then I realized how incredibly pathetic I would look, and in reality, they probably wouldn't even feel bad, so what would that accomplish?

Then, God in his graciousness showed me the following verse.

Be still before the LORD, and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found. But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy peace and prosperity.
Psalm 37: 7-11

God never ceases to amaze me how he can use His word to give me the grace and peace to endure anything I am facing.

In reality, this is the type of situation that I could "get stuck" in. Stuck in the anger, resentment, bitterness and thoughts of revenge. Eventually it would grow and fester like a splinter that is too deep to remove and the longer it stays the more infected it becomes.

I don't want to be infected anymore. I don't want to get stuck in the resentment, the "what ifs" of this event in my life. That is all it really is, just one event. This event in itself doesn't define me, but how I handle this event sure could.

There is a song that I have on my IPOD that I have found myself listening to a lot lately. It really says just what I am feeling right now....It's called "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone, Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

It's time to face up Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I've wanted to say, for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
Be Blessed,
Lisa

What Am I Thinking?

2011-05-10T07:18:00.002-05:00

I took some time this morning to analyze what I have been thinking about the past couple of weeks, because I can feel myself getting depressed. That would make sense, depression is caused by suppressed anger. And, oh, I am angry on so many different levels!

I'd love to be able to write my blog someday and not have me come off looking bad, but unfortunately, I guess until I get to heaven, I will always be struggling with "earthly feelings and thoughts"! So to be honest, I've been angry, fearful and depressed the last week or so, in case you couldn't tell!

"As a man (or woman) thinks in his/her mind so is he/she" Proverbs 3:27

So how do I turn my thoughts and feelings around? The only way I know is to drown them in God's Word. As I read and meditate on scripture, I can feel the warmth of God's love covering me and the devil's grip loosening.

The devil wants me to live in the constant state of fear. He also delights in me being angry, snapping at everyone, being short tempered and impatient. If he could push me over the edge and get me to just go to bed because of my depression, then he wins.

"God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7

I love that verse! So if God has not given me the "spirit of fear" it must come from the enemy. God gives me the spirit of power (strength to do what I have to do), love (1 John 4:18 says love cast out fear) and of a sound mind. To me a sound mind means a mind that does not waver. A mind that is confident that God is at work and He alone has the answers to my problems.

All I have done the past few days is struggle with my wavering mind! Do I do this? Do I do that? What if this happens? What if that happens? That is also not from God. God wants my mind set in one place...On Him!

Thank you Lord for helping me to see that I am spiraling into a dark place. Depression is an ugly spirit. It has come on me like a wave in the ocean. Swallowing me, drowning me, at times making it hard to breath and stay above life's struggles.

Father God, the verse that says "love cast out fear" is so powerful. I have been so afraid, but You and Your love cover that fear. All I have to do is set my mind on the fact that You are in control. You are at work. I have NOTHING to fear. My mind is so powerful. Help me today to keep my mind focused on You and what Your word says and what You are doing in my life, both to me and through me Lord.

Help me to start today, to make a conscious effort to rely on You for everything. This does not have to be a time where I crater to the enemy. Oh, he would love that. Then he wins. This is the time, when You can use me as Your witness of Your love, Your goodness and Your faithfulness. Showing others that even when times are tough, and the future is unknown. We can all stand firm and rest in the knowledge that You God are in control.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

God Will Handle The "What Ifs"

2011-05-09T06:54:00.002-05:00
As I struggle with my future and what God wants me to do, I find myself wavering between staying home and working with Charlie helping him to grow our family business or going back out and working in corporate America.

I don't want to go back into Corporate America. They just burned me. It actually feels as if a friend has betrayed me. I know that may sound weird, but when you work for a company for 12 years, it becomes a part of you. And when you are dumped by that place of employment suddenly, it hurts and I am weary of investing in another company where I have no control of the outcome. Where I can be laid off at the whim of a suit in a corporate office thousands of miles away.

I know what my heart wants me to do. My heart wants me to work with Charlie. To help him grow our family business. Nothing else that I think about, gives me the peace that I feel when I think about that being my new career.

But as soon as I make that decision in my mind, the "what ifs" start.

"What if" I fail? What will people think if I don't do the "secure" thing and have a "real job"?

Why do I still care what people think? I'm almost 49 years old, and I'm still worrying about what people will think. I just don't want anyone to think I'm lazy and I don't want to work. Really Lisa? When are you going to get to the point where you don't care about what anyone thinks except God?

I know I'm not lazy, God knows I'm not lazy. God knows my heart and that I want to be successful at whatever I do. This is my life and I'm only accountable to God. It doesn't matter what people think. It only matters that I am following God and what I know his plan is for my life.

God, it's times like this that I wish you would just text or email me your plan. Give me some details! I don't want to ever confuse my will with your will. Please give me wisdom. Help me to know what your will is for my life and for my family. You alone know all the details, you know all the challenges and fears that I face today.

I don't want to worry about what others think. I don't want to be afraid. I only want peace. The peace that says, I may not know all the answers, but God does and that's all that matters.

Lord, help me to get to that place of total peace quickly. Give me faith. Help me to only look at today and know that you have all the days of my life planned. I only need to keep my eyes on You. I only need to concentrate on today. Because You Father God, will handle the "what ifs"!

Be Blessed!
Lisa
"God makes his people strong. God gives his people peace"
Psalm 29:11 (The Message)

I Am More Than What I Do.....

2011-05-06T07:51:00.008-05:00
Since my layoff last week, I'm feeling a bit discombobulated!

What surprised me the most about my first week of unemployment was the realization that my whole persona and self esteem revolves around the "position" I held with my employer for the past 12 years.

You see, I don't have a college degree, so when I received the piece of paper that said I was a licensed agent, and then became a "professional" with a respected corporation, it shouted not only to the world, but to me..... "I am somebody".

So that's my challenge for now. To change the basis of my self worth from what I do, to who I am. And more importantly who God says I am and not base it on my thoughts, actions or profession.

It feels like I'm going through a divorce. One that I didn't see coming and one that I didn't want. I was going to stay with this company until I retired. I had my whole life planned out. I worked hard, did my job, all while protecting the interest of the "company". That would be the same company that assured me over the past four months that "everything will be fine", right up until the week before they let me go.

Angry, yes, hurt, you bet, confused, betrayed, all the feelings a person would have if there was a divorce. For the most part, I expected all those feelings, I didn't expect to feel so lost. My world has been so organized, my calendar so full. I would travel this week, be home the next, have a meeting this day, an appointment the next. My life was full, busy and I was quite happy and content in my position.

Now I look at my calendar and frankly it's pretty empty. Just like my heart.

Father God, please help me to see that you are at work in my life. That this lay-off didn't take you by surprise. Remind me Father, every day that even though I can't see you or feel you right now it doesn't mean that you are not at work or that you don't love me. You are working everything out, you know my future as well as my past, nothing is too hard for you.

Thank you God for being the healer of not only my heart, but also my emotions and thoughts. Lord, you know how I struggle with my self esteem. Lord, fill my heart with your love. Fill me with your confidence and God help me to see that I am more than what I do.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Relying On God Minute By Minute

2011-05-03T08:38:00.002-05:00
For the past couple of years finding time to blog has been difficult. Not because I don't have the time, but because I haven't made it a priority. However, do to some changes going on in my life and in my heart that is about to change!

On April 18th, I was invited to join a conference call (which is how they do it now I guess) where I learned that my position was being eliminated. Not just my position, but my whole division.

I have worked for this company for 12 years. That's longer than I have been with Charlie! It's feels like a divorce, one that I didn't see coming and one that I didn't want. I am trying really hard not to have A.B.R (anger, bitterness and resentment) but that in itself is difficult. Talk about praying without ceasing!

This year has been a roller coaster ride (and not a fun one!). From the troubles with Tommy, to having our fence blow down, Charlies aunt dying and now me being laid off, it's not been a great year from the outside looking in. I guess if I'm totally honest, it hasn't been a great year from the inside looking out either!

I find it amazing that the times that are the hardest for me are the times when God shows himself the most faithful. I've had many years where my life has been relatively quiet. No big issues, just little annoyances. Through those times, I have been faithful with my quiet time, but there hasn't been that "realness" of God's presence that I feel in the times of trouble.

The times where life is so totally out of my control that God is the only place I can go, He is the only One that can work it out. My reliance on him is by the minute, not by the day or week. That's the difference. It's not that God is farther away, it's that I am totally reliant on Him.

Sitting here this morning, blogging for the first time in months is therapeutic. Now I have all the time in the world to blog! That is in between looking for a new job, helping Charlie grow his business and volunteering down at the Union Gospel Mission.

That's the other area that has really taken me by surprise this year. I have this incredible burning desire from my core to help others. To BE Jesus, not just sit in the pew on Sunday morning and hear about Jesus. I want to make a difference in someones life. I want to tell them Jesus loves them.

I know that God is at work. I know that he has a plan, and that plan is good (Jeremiah 29:11). My "job" right now is to wait on Him. Waiting on God can be so hard! Trusting God that he is in control, that he will not leave me, is my daily challenge.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

"Just Tell The Truth, It's Easier To Remember"

2011-02-21T05:56:00.002-06:00
Today is the first day back to normal! I haven't blogged about this because I didn't want Charlie to "happen" onto my blog and find out my surprise. For the past seven months I have been planning a 50th birthday surprise party for him. And Saturday I pulled it off!

It was awesome! I accomplished something that nobody thought I could! I surprised my "reporter" husband with a party! As wonderful as the day was, with lots of friends and family celebrating Charlie's life, as well as tons of food and drinks, and wonderful memories I am very happy that it is over.

I learned a couple of things through this experience.

One being that I can throw a party all by myself! Well I did have some advice from my sister on where to get the decorations and how to send out the invites. And also some help from my cousin in-law (actually we call ourselves the outlaws!) Susie who helped me put it together and generously offered her house for the party. As far as the major planning and paying for it, I scraped together the money and came up with most of the party ideas on my own. That in itself gives me a sense of accomplishment.

The second thing I learned was that lying is exhausting. I was watching a police drama the other night on t.v. and the detective told the criminal he was interogating "just tell the truth, it's easier to remember". I laughed because that has been my life especially for the past 2 months.

I never realized how much I tell Charlie. He truly is my best friend! Therefore, doing something behind his back is exhausting. Trying to remember to delete this text or email or facebook message or not to mention this or that is very stressing. I actually felt more relaxed the day of the party, because I knew that in a few hours the secret would be revealed!

As I said in my opening paragraph, I hope that today is the first day back to normal! I weighed this morning. That is always a jolt back into reality. I have gained 5 pounds over the past month. Between the stress from Tommy's troubles and the prep for the party I haven't even cared what I put in my mouth and exercising was the last thing on my mind.

So here I am ready to start over once again toward my weight loss goal. Now that I have seen Charlie past the 50 mark, I have to start thinking about my 50 mark! I will be 50 a year from May. That would be May 19, 2012. I know what I want to weigh by then, and I know how I want to feel, not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Lord, thank you so much for providing me with the ability to give Charlie the gift of a surprise party for his 50th birthday. I know how much it meant to him, and that in turn means a lot to me. The process of planning the party, putting together the dvd of pictures of him from his childhood made me fall in love with him even more. Thank you Lord for providing the financial blessings so that I was able to pay for his party on my own. I could not have done it without you Lord.

Lord, I thank you that I feel relaxed this morning. Even with the 5 pound gain, Lord I know that with you I can start new. Father help me as I go back to eating healthy and exercising. It doesn't come natural for me God as you well know! Give me the desire to better myself everyday. To become inside and out, what you want me to be. Help me look at the age 50 not with dread but with excitement. The excitement that will come with a new phase in my life. A better, healthier, more confident phase!

I love you Father. I thank you for birthdays. I thank you for celebrations. I thank you for Charlie, for blessing me with the most wonderful husband. A man that you knew would love me and be my best friend!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Loving Myself When I Fail

2011-01-15T08:43:00.002-06:00
I just got back from a week at my home office attending the yearly managers conference. I'm not sure why, but going to home office especially during the managers meeting is always very intimidating for me. I wish I didn't feel like that, I wish I was as confident there as I am here working in the field with my team. I know that other managers look at me as if I am not as good as them. I have heard the talk and I see the looks. I manage in a division that has always been referred to as the "minor league". That is probably where I get this insecurity, these feelings of being a "minor" manager compared to a "big league" manager.

This week, Monday in particular, when all the managers where in a meeting, upper management asked a question about growing the small business division (my division). The managers from the large business market were very vocal and the result was a very ugly exchange of many participants in the room stating they thought my company should do away with my division and give all our leads to them. I was angered, hurt, stunned and anxious all at the same time. Thankfully I said nothing, or I would probably be writing this blog from the unemployment line, because I would not have been professional or polite!

The events or changes in my company or employment status that may or may not be happening are second compared to what is happening inside me. That exchange shut me down and turned an introvert into an even deeper introvert. I felt like I was in high school again and the popular girls were talking about me behind my back or even worse in front of my face.

Wednesday, when I had to give a presentation in front of all of these managers, I cratered. Yes, me, the one who can talk in front of anyone, that loves to teach, couldn't breathe. It was mortifying and horrifying all at the same time. Some of the managers told me after that I "recovered well", but the damage to my self esteem and confidence had already set in.

I didn't understand how God could let this happen. Yes I said "let". Because up to and even into the presentation I had been praying to God to help me, calm me, give me the right words, etc...while my heart was increasingly beating harder and harder and I was sweating more and more.

I took some time this morning to talk with God about this event in my life and why He didn't answer my prayer or did he and I'm just not seeing it?

I know He is always with me. I know I have the power of the Holy Spirit in me who can give me courage, eloquent speech, etc.. But that didn't happen. Now I am left with a feeling of failure, I'm trying to forgive myself for being "less than stellar", in a presentation that I so desperately needed to come off professional and confident.

God is showing me so many things through this experience.

First of all, He was with me even if I didn't feel like it, even if I didn't see Him at the time. He did give me the strength to make it through and "recover well". Many people said if I hadn't said anything about not being able to breathe, they would not have known I was having trouble. Of course if I hadn't stopped and told my director I couldn't breathe, I might have passed out! Because literally I couldn't breathe! After I said I couldn't breathe I got a lot of support from people telling me to relax and breathe. Was that God speaking through those people saying "relax Lisa, just breathe"? Maybe....

Another even more important thing God is teaching me is to love myself. I have spent the past 6 months working on learning to love myself and was making real progress. It's easy to love myself when things are going good. But it's a little bit harder when I have an experience where I so desperately want to do good and I don't. Now comes the hard part of loving myself. That would be loving myself when I fail. Forgiving myself and moving on. Turning the page as Charlie says.

God, this is hard. I feel like a failure. I can't seem to make it past this event. Help me God to forgive myself. Help me to see how you are working through this experience. It's one that I'm sure I will laugh about in time. But not now, it's not funny now. Father, no matter what happens with my employment, no matter who I compare myself with help me to see that I am Your delight. You created me and You love me just like I am. I don't know why all of this is happening, but I know when I look back it will be clear. It may be as simple as a learning to love myself experience. Or it may be more, it may be the first step into a new direction that you have for my life.

Lord, help me to be open to whatever you are doing. Give me courage and faith as I look at this year. Help me to confidently lead my team this year. Lord you are my protector, my safe place and I rest in that confidence today. Help me to know that no matter what this world says about me, You love me and that's all that really matters!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Pray First, Panic Later!

2011-01-03T06:36:00.002-06:00
Today is January 3, 2011. It's the first time I have written the 2011 part of the date. It seems weird! It always takes me a few checks or memo's written with the wrong year to get used to writing the correct date.

This year has started off so strange for me. My vacation was really nice, for the most part. Not a lot of drama, just enough to keep me on my knees! Actually, I have learned a valuable lesson over the past few weeks since Tommy has moved out. Pray first, panic later!

Yesterday was a great example. Charlie freaked out when Tommy's work called, because Tommy hadn't shown up. Charlie just knew he was going to be fired, and that Tommy was going to have to move back home. I just stayed quiet and started praying. Really what could I do? Can I save Tommy from getting fired? Can I show up for work for Tommy? Can I even make Charlie settle down? The answer to all of those questions is no.

Well, Tommy didn't get fired. He straightened things out with his work. Charlie settled down and I only had a short, quiet panic attack. Oh, it could of been so much worse. I could of tried to settle Charlie down or rationalized why Tommy hadn't known he was scheduled to work, which would have been perceived as defending Tommy. Then the voices would have raised and the feelings would be hurt.

I guess if I can really put into practice the habit of pray first, panic later, this year, I will be a lot more calm than I was last year! It's sad that I even have to "think" or "work at" remembering not to freak out, but I do. It doesn't come natural to me yet! Maybe with practice it will become second nature!

Doesn't it make sense to pray first? To take my fears, anxieties and frustrations to the One that made me and knows me better than anyone? The One that can fix everything in a blink of an eye! And if he doesn't "fix" everything like I think He should, will give me the strength to go through whatever is happening?

God please help me this year to come to You first! Remind me to stop, get quiet, breath, and pray. Lord, I give you this year 2011. It is going to be a year full of changes I'm sure. I am still adjusting to Tommy moving out. You know how much I miss him, you see my heart, and hear my prayers.

Lord, I can see that my relationship with Charlie is really changing. But it (for the most part) is changing for the good. We spent so much time together this past couple of weeks. We have really renewed our friendship, doing things that make each other laugh and bring us closer to one another. Lord please continue to draw us closer to each other. Renew our love for one another. Make our relationship stronger than it has ever been.

Father, please be with Tommy. Help him as he discovers what it is like to "be on his own". Lord, I pray that you will lead him and guide him in his decision making. Lord, give him a desire to study when school starts. And to not just be an average student, but one that excels! Lord, help me as I try to learn how to relate to him at this point in his life.

Thank you God for today. It's the first day back to work and I'm ready. Ready for the routine and normalcy that my life holds. Lord I pray for my team this year. Help them to work hard, setting and accomplishing their goals. Give them favor everywhere they go and help them to succeed. And Lord most of all, let me be Your witness to them. Showing them your patience and love.

Thank you God for your love and patience with me. Thank you for giving me another year to grow and become more like You. Thank you for the lessons I will learn, the friends I will make, and the realization that without you, I'm a mess!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Rejoice always; pray without ceasing. in everything give thanks;
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:15-18

Sunday - The Day After Christmas, And The Perfect Day Of Rest!

2010-12-26T09:52:00.002-06:00
I'm so thankful for the "day after" Christmas! It's not that I don't like Christmas, I love Christmas!

But the work, stress and yes at times "drama" of the holidays can be overwhelming. Cleaning the house, endless hours of planning, shopping, baking, etc... making sure everything is just right wears me out! The endless quest to create the "most wonderful time of the year" experience is exhausting. I guess if there is ever a time of the year that I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) its at the holidays.

So today is my down day. Not down (depressed) but down decompress! I love days like this, the day after! The day I can plop myself in my recliner, do a little laundry, make sure the house is straight and just enjoy the quiet.

For the most part, the past few days (which in reality feels like weeks or months) have improved greatly since I last blogged. Tommy seems to be settling in to his house. He worked a lot last week (38 hours) and he is also looking forward to some "down" time today!

He and Bobby came over Christmas Eve and we went to my Dad's house in Dallas for our yearly Christmas Eve tradition. It's always a good time. Their house is always decorated beautifully and we had such good food, lots of laughter, hugs and fun opening gifts!

We didn't get home until 11:30. I got settled in bed, and thanked the Lord that both my boys were at home for this one night and then drifted off to sleep. Five a.m. came bright and early! Oh, the wonders of early Christmas morning as a Mom!

First I had to get the breakfast casserole in the oven, so that the turkey could go in at 6:30. Then I filled the stockings and had a cup of coffee with Charlie! It was a good time for both of us to just sit and be quiet. The calm before the storm of the day!

Things have settled down quite a bit between us. I guess we are starting to adjust to our new norm. I have really enjoyed being with him the past couple of days. He helped me clean the house (that's a first), and then he joined weight watchers on line with me! I guess we will be doing more and more things together, including counting points!

Even though my mom and brother and his wife didn't make it, the day was, for the most part a success! Charlie's family said they had a great time and the meal was delicious. The boys and Charlie enjoyed their gifts and were happy! Tommy went home last night with two sacks of leftovers! I headed upstairs for a hot bubble bath, and Charlie and Bobby watched a movie late into the night.

Yes, all in all, it was a good day! A day with happy memories, lots of laughter, and plenty of blessings!

Be Blessed!
Lisa

Help Me Not To Worry God....I Neet To Trust You!

2010-12-21T07:18:00.002-06:00
The past three days have been a whirl wind of emotion for me. I feel like I have been hit by a truck, wait no two trucks. First the pain of Tommy moving out. This has been really strange for me. I didn't realize just how much I would miss him. And how empty and quiet the house would be. That is except for the fighting between me and Charlie. Things have been so tense. The decision to let Tommy move out was one filled with anxiety, tears, loud discussions and finally resolution. The rules that have been laid down for Tommy to follow are being monitored closely and if he slips up he comes back home.

I respect Charlie as Tommy's dad. I know that he is being "a dad". But as the mom, I just want to protect Tommy and help him to be okay. Unfortunately, that part of my job seems to be done. I can't protect him like I used to when he was a little boy. I can't help him be okay. He wants to be on his own. But the pain of the friction between Tommy and Charlie and Charlie and me is overwhelming.

I just wish this whole nightmare would stop. And unfortunately, it won't for a while. Tommy is the one that caused all of this pain. His lying is the second emotional truck that has run me over. Tommy has never deceived me like this. He has never lived a life that is a lie. I'm not sure which hurts worse, him leaving or him lying.

Actually I have to give the award of the most pain to the lying. Moving out is a normal passage of life into adulthood. Lying is betraying people that you love, and that love you. Lying tears down trust, and relationships are built on trust. It's going to take some time for us to trust Tommy again. And until then he is under a microscope. The microscope is also becoming a problem with me. As his mom, I want to believe the best and trust him again. It seems like everyone else is watching and waiting for him to screw up. I can't stand that. If you expect someone to screw up, they will.

What a mess this is God. My heart is broken, my trust is broken, my marriage is stretched to the limit. You are the only place I can go right now where there is some sense of normalcy. I just want to feel your presence, your peace, your hope. Lord, I need all of those right now. Father, help me to remain calm, to not be hypersensitive when Tommy is questioned. Help me to respect Charlie and to love him. He loved me and Tommy so much that he took him in, adopted him and give him the Hodges name. Now Lord, he is hurt, and he is worried and he is waiting on Tommy to mess up again.

Help me to be the wife that Charlie needs right now. Heal our marriage and help us to draw closer to each other rather than farther apart. The devil would love to use this situation to destroy our family. I pray Lord that you will cover my family with your love and protection.

Father, draw Tommy to you. Lord send role models into his life that he can look up to and respect. Father help him to be a leader not a follower. Give him the internal motivation that he needs to work and make good grades in school. Lord help him to not fall into the partying trap. Help him as he tries to build back his relationships with his father and grandfather that have been broken with lies.

Thank you Lord that you are my "safe place". My shelter from the storm. Help me to feel your presence today. Help me to feel your love, peace and comfort. Father I need you so much right now. The changes that are going on, are almost more than I can take. Give me strength. Help me to love. Help me to forgive. Help me to give all of this to you and help me not to worry.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7

The Pain of Child Birth is Nothing Compared to This.....

2010-12-21T06:44:00.002-06:00
I wonder God how many times you have said to me, "okay Lisa, you are going to do this anyway, you can reap the consequences, I'm not going to stop you". I guess that's what I am saying to Tommy today. I always thought today would be a sad day, but I didn't know it would be topped off with all of the feelings of depression, anger and hurt.

Yesterday we learned that Tommy has been lying to us about his grades. Every time we asked him what his grades are in college he said "their good". Well yesterday the truth came out and they are anything but good. I hate lying more than anything. Tell me the truth, and we'll deal with it. Lie to me and we have to deal with the lie and the problem both.

So today he wants to move out. He's been lying to us, and he tells us "he will do better once he has moved out"? That doesn't make sense to me. He can't study at home, but moving in with 2 other guys is going to improve that? But what can I do? Really nothing. When your child goes from being a child to a young adult, your options are limited. If he wants to move out, he will. With or without my approval or permission.

And actually right now, I think it is a good idea. This time last week, I never would have dreamed that would be how I feel. Let him get out in the real world and see if the freedom is all it is cracked up to be. I hate watching Tommy make decisions that I don't think are wise, but we all have to make our own decisions and some of them are not smart. I have made my share of bone headed mistakes.

God, I always like to relate to how you see me, when I am looking at what is going on with Tommy. Its an easy comparison because he is my son and I love him so very much. I know Lord that my love for him, pales in comparison of your love for me and also your love for him.

I'm sure, that through the years you have sat and watched me make decisions that you knew were not going to turn out well. You have watched me whirl and twirl trying to find someone to love me, when all the time you were there saying "child come to me, I love you completely".

I can't believe the amount of pain I am feeling. Child birth was nothing compared to this. They (whoever they are) don't prepare you for the pain of your child leaving the nest, or the fear that you have that they are not going to make it.

God, last night was so hard. I pray that today will be a better day. Give me wisdom Lord. Help me to do and say the right thing. Help me to be the mom that Tommy needs right now in his life. Help me to let him go.

Lord, as he moves out, I pray that you will watch over him. Give him the internal motivation that is needed to get good grades in school. Help him to make wise decisions. Father, draw him to you. Lord, if this isn't where he is supposed to be, open the doors for him to go where you want him to go.

Please heal our relationship. Heal my heart Father God. You alone can help this situation. We are all just humans trying to make the best decisions we can with the information we have.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

30 Minutes - A Prescription For Calm!

2010-12-16T07:00:00.002-06:00
Yesterday in the midst of all the turmoil in my life, there was a calm 30 minutes. Thirty minutes that I will treasure and remember for a long time. It was 30 minutes sitting and talking quietly with Tommy. We have not had much time together lately, he is very busy with friends, school or work and I have been gone a lot for work, and I have really missed connecting with him.

As I sit here this morning reading my bible and working on my bible study I think back to the half hour Tommy and I spent yesterday and how much joy it brought to my heart. And how we seemed to re-connect. Then it dawned on me, that God must feel that same way when I get too busy or preoccupied with life, and don't find time for Him.

I am usually very faithful with my time with God. Basically I become a stressed out, worrying, short tempered woman without my 30 minutes to an hour with God in the morning. Wait, that describes me perfectly this week! And guess what? I have missed my time with God everyday, or worse, been up and in my "quiet time chair" and been doing other things, like emailing or surfing face book.

I really haven't sat down and spent "quality" time with God in over a week. Just about the same time that my nerves started unraveling and my peace disappeared. A coincidence? I think not!

So this morning I sit here feeling much better than any other morning this week. I have peace and feel calm. I remember yesterday sitting and talking to Tommy, the anxiety of his move, the feeling of the loss of our relationship all melting away. We were connecting! We were sharing! And I was loving it!

Is that why I feel better this morning though? Probably has a little bit to do with it, but the main reason is the time I spent with God. Just "being" with Him.

I can also envision God this week, as I got up and then didn't open my bible, how disappointed he must have been. Gently trying to nudge me saying "Lisa, put down that computer and spend some time with me".

I also think about the joy He must feel when I do spend "quality" time with him, reading his word and talking to him. He must feel like I did yesterday. His heart filling up more and more every minute.

Father God, forgive me for not spending time with you this week. Thank you so much for the beautiful example and word picture you gave me yesterday with Tommy.

I have learned so much about your love by becoming a parent. I also have changed my view of You as my heavenly Father. I know the joy and excitement you must feel when you see me coming down the stairs in the morning and grabbing my coffee and sitting down to spend time with You, or when I come to you for help or advice. I also know the disappointment that you must feel when I open my computer instead of my bible.

Thank you Lord for allowing me the privilege of being a mom. It has taught me so much about You and the love you have for me! The frustrations, the love, the sadness, the tears shed....all results from loving a child. And Lord, I know you experience the same things with me as your daughter.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

If God Called Me Why Is This So Hard?

2010-12-15T07:23:00.002-06:00
Have you ever felt God call you to do something or be something and then when you are being obedient things get worse? Why is that?

I have been doing a Bible Study "Breaking Free" with Beth Moore. I highly recommend it! It has totally changed my life. During the 12 weeks I have spent doing this study, I have really felt God calling me to be a witness to my family. He has called me to forgive, even when forgiveness was not asked for, love when love was not asked for, as well as being a peace maker in my family. Forgiveness, love and peace, all characteristics of Christ. And only with His strength can I be a witness of His goodness and grace and not totally lose it!

Everything has been going great. I have seen some wonderful things happening in my family, especially with my brothers and sister. I have had the opportunity to share with them in one way or another my beliefs recently. I have also had the opportunity to be a peacemaker when tempers were flaring and feelings were hurt. I say "opportunity" because that is how I feel. God has given me the opportunity, and I don't want to blow it. I guess it's not only an opportunity, but a responsibility.

There is a situation that has come up with my sister, where I did something that upset her. First of all, I would never do anything intentionally to upset her or anyone in my family. I am a peacemaker. That means I like to live in peace! I have apologized and have offered what I believe is the only thing that can make this right. But it is still not right.

I can't believe I have that same feelings of anxiety that always used to pop up in me when someone is upset or unhappy with me. Even if I did nothing wrong in my eyes or my motives weren't wrong. So I have this weighing heavily on me. I have upset her, she is not happy with me, I can't go back and change it. As I sit here I wonder, will I ever outgrow this reaction to confrontation? And how does God want to me respond? God is a God of peace, so this anxiety must not be from Him.

This situation with my sister has come out of no where. I wasn't prepared for it and I feel my old way of handling issues is trying to come out. That would be the me shutting down reaction. Saying the hell with my family, I don't need this crap. Now wouldn't that make the devil happy if I really did that?

That isn't what God called me to do is it? Yes I am supposed to protect myself from the dysfunction of family members so that it does not affect me or my core family (Charlie, Tommy and Bobby). But I'm also called to be Gods example of his love, forgiveness and peace. That's where the struggle begins.
I really have been doing my best to live according to Gods Word and in obedience to Him.

Father God, please help me in this situation. Lord, I desire more than anything to be obedient to You. You know Lord that I have been praying for my family and that you would work a miracle in the life's of my brothers and sister, as well as my mom and dad. And Father, I see you at work. Please use this situation to show Your glory. Don't let the enemy win this one God.

Lord, take these feelings away from me. The feeling that I have let my sister down. Help me as I figure out how to make this right, which may entail me going back on my word with Tommy. Why is it Lord when I try to do right, things pop up out of no where. It's a couch Lord, a piece of furniture. It makes me sick to think that something material is at the bottom of this. But then again Lord, isn't that the way it always is? Material things, things that don't last or really matter become the issue, not You or your will in our lives.

Father, heal my heart. I'm already emotional because Tommy is moving out in a few days. Help me to stay calm and to not lose it. I come to you this morning, giving you everything. My thoughts, my hurts, my words, my actions, Lord please heal them, and help me as I walk through this week to continue to remember that I have your name and You have called me to be Your witness.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13: 34-35

"So Now I Give Him To You Lord"

2010-12-14T06:19:00.002-06:00
I tried really hard to do my Bible Study this morning, but to no avail. My mind is too busy. Too consumed with emotions ranging from worry to wonder to sadness.

The worry of course comes as I think about Tommy moving out. He hasn't done his laundry in I don't know how long, and he works today and his work clothes aren't even clean. I used to do all his laundry, as a matter of fact I did it right up until three weeks ago, when I decided it was time for him to start taking on that responsibility and that means remembering when he is working and having clean clothes. He was supposed to study all day yesterday for his finals that are tomorrow and Thursday. But he and Caleb and Martin moved our couch over to my moms and took her couch and that is the one they are going to use. Then other things came up and he didn't study at all until I guess late last night.

I find myself worrying about him a lot lately. Will he be okay? Is he going to remember to do his laundry? Will he study and take school serious when he's gone? Actually he can't do any worse, because this last semester while he still lived at home, school really hasn't been a top priority. And no matter what people think, you really can't motivate anyone to study. It's like trying to motivate people to work, you can't do it. Motivation comes from the inside and he has to find it on his own.

I could take all of this and "awful-ize" (my word) it, but what good does that do? It would literally send me into a deep depression and probably make me very bitchy towards Tommy and I don't want his last week at home to be remembered with me bitching at him continually. He is already posting on his Facebook that "he can't wait until Saturday". My first thought is "really Tommy, is it that awful here, that you can't wait to leave"? I guess that's normal for an 18 year old, but it still hurts.

Then I go from worry to wonder. I wonder if I did everything I could to prepare him for adulthood? I guess if I didn't it's too late now. I see so many things in his life that remind me of when I left home and I think about all the things I did, where I lived, etc...and it's a wonder I survived. My life has turned out very blessed "inspite" of a lot of bad decisions. And that has been only by the grace and mercy of God.

Sadness comes and goes. It's not like I live my days sad, but let me hear the right song, and I'm balling in my car. I don't know how to stop that. Even as I sit here, tears are welling up. Oh God, this is really hard. I have so many questions. My heart feels like it is breaking. I'm worried Tommy won't be okay.

I thank you Lord for giving me Tommy. I prayed for years to be able to have a child. You blessed me with the best. He was a great baby, a wonderful child, and a "normal" teen that did enough "teen" stuff to remind me he isn't perfect. But now Lord, he's "looking forward" to leaving my house. He's not studying and preparing for school and he's not even doing his laundry. His room is a mess, actually a better description is disaster! How can he survive on his own?

As I sit here pouring my heart out to God with tears streaming down my face, in the quiet of the morning, I feel a prompting, a gentle touch, a gentle voice saying to me. "Give him to me Lisa, let go". Oh God, I so need to do that. Help me to trust You. Help me to let Tommy go.

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him, So now I give him to the Lord"
1 Samuel 1:27-28a

Be Blessed,
Lisa

This Time It Is For Real

2010-12-12T09:34:00.004-06:00
I can't believe I haven't blogged since May 2009! Let me catch you up, because many things that I thought were going to happen did not happen at all. Isn't that just like me? There I was emotionally investing time and effort into planning for the day that never happened! Or at least hasn't happened yet! Maybe that's why God says "don't worry about tomorrow".

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34

First of all, Tommy never left home to go to college! Ha ha! I find that amusing since I had fretted about that life changing day for a year! He stayed home and is going to TCC a community college in Fort Worth. I think it was a good thing for him to have a little more time at home before he moves out. I know it was a good thing for me!

But now the day has arrived. Tommy is moving out on December 18th, that would be next Saturday or in six days or 144 hours (not that I'm counting or anything)

Maybe that is why I felt the urge to start blogging again. I have so many emotions running through my heart and mind. First of all I just can't believe it. It seems like yesterday that I brought my precious baby boy home. Then like movie clips, his last 18 years play through my mind up until today. What a fine young man he has become. What a blessing in my life he has been. I mean "he is", I don't know why I tend to make it all in the past. He's still going to be my son. We will still talk and I will still see him. Our relationship will be different, but that doesn't necessarily mean worse, it might even be better! Especially once he gets out on his own and figures out all I do for him! : )

This week and this next month will be a real adjustment time for me. The changes will be dramatic. Good changes and also sad changes! The good changes will be that his disaster of a room will soon become my new office! That is after we clean the carpet and air it out! The amount of laundry I do and groceries we buy will be reduced significantly. And the worrying about when he will be home late at night will be eliminated. The sad change is obvious. He won't be here. His laughter and hugs will no longer be always present in our home.

I am excited for him about this new phase in his life. He is moving into a house with two of his best friends, Caleb and Martin. They are both really good guys and I really like them! Total rent for all three is 500.00 (too good of a deal to pass up)! I just can't help but worry if he will be okay without me. I know what you are thinking and I am truly trying to cut that cord!

Oh God, you know me so well. You know how I feel, even when I can't express in words my emotions. Help me this week to be strong. I don't want to become a blubbering fool with my emotions running all over the board! Help me to look at this move with excitement for my son and his future.

Lord, also help me to see that I was a good mom. That with your help, I have prepared Tommy to be independent. I am so proud of him Lord. Thank you again for blessing me with him. He has added so much joy to my life. He is the one thing in this world that I can look back on and have no regret. I have loved him and raised him the best I knew how.

Thank you Lord that you are my comforter in times like this where my heart is sad. You know how I feel and I can always come to you no matter what time of the day or night. You are always there with your arms open wide, ready to hold me, love me, comfort me, wiping away every tear.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

"It's My Time"

2010-05-19T07:38:00.003-05:00
Today is my birthday! I'm 48. Sounds weird to me to say that number! I've been sitting here praying and thanking God for this past year. A Birthday (like New Years Day) is a perfect time to evaluate the past year and make plans for the upcoming year!

I'm thinking about the two major things that were going on in my life this past year. First I was the Baseball Booster Club President, and second I have watched Tommy become more and more independent as he prepares mentally and emotionally to depart the nest!

As I think about the year to come I look forward to some significant changes from last year. It is going to be very different! I'm going to have a lot more time on my hands!

Being President of the Booster Club is something I never would have dreamed I could or would do! It was a very time consuming and energy (both physically and mentally) draining project! It was "me" giving of my time and talents to others for the benefit of the program. And when I say time, I mean TIME! I often felt like I was putting in more hours doing Booster Club projects than I was doing my full time job.

Watching Tommy this year, I am amazed at how calm I am about him moving out. At times I look forward to it, because I know how wonderful it is going to be for him and how happy he will be. That doesn't mean I don't have my melt downs. That's a given! But the time and effort I have put into his life, helping him sift through college applications and taking him on college tours has also taken up a lot of my time this past year.

So I look at the coming year with anticipation! Wondering what the heck am I going to be doing with all this extra time!

This year is going to be "me time". Oh, I just felt a tinge of guilt when I wrote that. Why is it when I think about taking time out for myself I feel that way? Like I'm being selfish. Maybe it's because as a wife and mother I have been taught that it is my job to put everyone else's needs ahead of mine.

Looking at myself, through a magnifying glass I can tell you that for the most part I am pleased with who I am and what I have become over the past few years. God has blessed my life beyond belief and taken my bone head mistakes and turned them into good! But there is one place where if I really think about it, is my down fall, my thorn in my side. The one area where I continue to be disappointed in myself is my weight.

If I could change anything it would be my weight. Everything else is fine. I am happy with my personality, my spirit, my smarts, even my face. But when I look at the mirror I think sometimes "I am pretty, but I'd be so much prettier if I was thinner".

I weigh more today than ever. I am at least 100 pounds over weight. So as I contemplate the upcoming year and I think about "me time", I don't think it is selfish for me to say....It's MY TIME.

I know in my heart if I don't take some time and get myself into shape and change my eating habits and start working out, I will not be able to live my life to the fullest or accomplish the things God has planned for me.

God, thank you so much for this past year. Wow it has really been busy and you have taught me so much about myself. But God with the busyness, I also put my health on the back shelf. I have totally let myself go. Father, forgive me for not taking care of the body you made. Your temple as the Bible calls it is in ruins. I pray Lord that you will help me this year to hunger for "me time". Time spent working out, spending time reading your Word, reading books, learning more and more about who I am and what You want me to do with the second half of my life! Lord give me the appetite to eat healthy food. To learn how to cook healthier and really enjoy it!

Father, You are so good to me. I thank you for this time when I can sort out my feelings about this past year and look forward to the year to come. I give it to you Lord. Take my life and do with it what you want. Lord, make me sensitive to your guidance and help me to become more and more like You everyday.

Be Blessed!
Lisa

"Could Of, Would Of, Should Of"

2010-05-18T08:02:00.005-05:00
I've concluded that parenting is one giant guessing game. When your babies cry, you guess, "are they hungry, wet, tired, gassy" and then you try to fix it so they will feel better and stop crying. Then as they grow up you guess which school they should go to so they will get the "most opportunities" and the "best education". And then if you are like us and your child plays a sport, you guess which select team they should play for again to provide "the best opportunities to play at a higher level".

As I look back, I think I guessed pretty darn good when Tommy was a baby. When he cried (which wasn't often) I instinctively knew what was wrong and what he needed. When his birth father and I divorced everything I did was a guess, but everything had the underlying reason of being what was "best for Tommy". As I look back, I think considering the circumstances, I did pretty well.

For some reason when we chose where we live now and the school system Tommy would go to his last 8 years of school we jumped the track and derailed. When Charlie and I were deciding where we wanted to live, we took into consideration all the schools in the southern Tarrant Country area and the best by far was the Crowley Independent School District. Plus we were looking for a place for Tommy to play hockey because that is the sport he was playing and loved and wanted to play all the way into high school. North Crowley High School had a hockey team so we chose "guessed" that the North Crowley area would be the place for us to build our house and raise Tommy.

Of course as soon as we unpacked our boxes, Tommy announced that he didn't want to play hockey anymore, he wanted to try baseball! That should have been my first clue!

The choice we made of this area and this district was made with a lot of research on our part. But events have happened that have changed the dynamics of the area and the school district that at times have made me wish Tommy wasn't in this school district and that we hadn't settled in this area. The new superintendent that showed up the same year we did basically in my opinion (and this is just my opinion) ruined the school district by an inflated administration budget and a lack of experience on a school district that would grow at the rate the CISD grew.

So now as Tommy is graduating I look back and I think that he really didn't get the kind of education that he should have received and I question if he is really ready for college. Even a Junior College will be quite an adjustment for him. We joke at our house (but at times its not funny) that this year all of his teachers have "coach" in front of their last name. Even though that isn't totally true, he sure hasn't had a very challenging year academically.

Then we made the choice to allow Tommy to go to Italy this summer when he was invited to play in a tournament for the North American Prospect Team. He is doing that instead of playing summer ball with his select team. Now the coach at Temple College is interested in Tommy and wants him to play summer ball and we can't find a team for him. If Temple offers him the chance to walk on, then I will feel like we accomplished what Tommy really wants which is to go to college, get a degree in criminal justice and play baseball. If he doesn't make the team, I will forever wonder if we should have kept him with the team he was with last summer. We think going to Italy for ten days will be a once in a lifetime experience, but at what cost? All the "could of", "would of", "should of", start popping out.

The "what ifs" can steal your peace if you let them. What if we had put him in a different school? What if he had played with this team or gone to this tournament? Would he be at a different place? Would he be going to a different college or would he have been offered a scholarship? Maybe he would already have signed with a college to play baseball?

When your motives are all based on "what is best for the child" and then you look back and see that maybe the choices weren't "the best" it hurts.

However, I do know this! Tommy has learned to "play nice" with all types of people, due to the cultural diversity that he has grown accustom to in his high school. That in itself will help him in his career in law enforcement.

I also know this. That even though I look back and think that the choices that we made might not have been the best for him, I have NEVER stopped praying for him. God can take ANY choice we make and turn it into something good.

So as I end today's ramble of a blog! And wow has it ever been a ramble! I can only hope in my heart that God will continue to take the "good intentions" of our decisions for Tommy and turn them into good.

Thank you God that you knew the plan for Tommy's life even before he was born. That nothing about the changes in the school dimension surprised you. I also thank you God that you have kept him safe and that you have taught him how to relate to many different types of people. Lord I continue to pray for Tommy and his decision to go to Temple College. Lord, please continue to open doors for him. Help him to have "just the right roommate" and Lord, if it be your will, please provide a way for him to walk on and have the opportunity to continue to pursue the one thing in life that has always been his passion....baseball!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Psalm 16:11

Going From Being "A Mom" To Just Being "Mom"

2010-05-15T10:05:00.004-05:00
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the changes that I am getting ready to go through in the next couple of months. Tommy will be moving out and going to college. Just typing that puts a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

I have always known that I was a good Mom. That's been the one thing in my life that I have done right, the one thing that I can be proud of, the one area where I am secure. The one area where I have no regrets.

From the day Tommy was born, being a Mom came natural to me. And for the past 18 years and 4 months that's what I have been... a Mom...his Mom. So now that I think about Tommy moving out, I wonder what will I be then? Do I stop being a Mom?

Being a Mom to me has always included giving him a hug every night before he goes to bed, making sure he eats breakfast, that he has money on his lunch card at school, clean clothes (especially his uniform on game days), the one that listens to him when he shares about events in his life, the one that runs interference between him and his Dad when things get tense. I'm a Mom, an every day Mom, I've always been there to take care of him.

My problem is, I don't know how to be anything else. I'm not sure how to let go. I know that I have raised him to be self sufficient. I know he will be okay, but I'm going to miss him so much. His laughter, funny comments, hugs, just his very presence. Our house is going to be so different.

God, please give me the grace to let Tommy go in the time and way that is best for him. Lord, I have lived my life trying to do what is best for him, please don't let me screw this up. I feel like the way this transition goes, will sort of dictate how our relationship will be after he moves out.

Help me God to cherish this time in my life. The time when I go from being "a mom" to just being "mom". The time when I transition from the doing to the being. Someone that is still there for him if he needs me, but is not needy. Someone that he can still share things with, but does not hound him for "details", or offers unsolicited advise. A mom that he looks forward to hearing from or better yet that he wants to see or talk to.

God, Tommy and I have been through so much in the past 18 years. We have always been there for each other. Through the goods times and bad. I have done my best with him Lord. Help me to find my way through this transition. Help me to come out of this time in my life a better woman, confident, and secure in myself. A woman that knows that I am special and secure and successful not because I was "a Mom" to my child, but because I am "Your Child"!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations"
Psalm 100:5

My Sister, My Best Friend!

2010-05-13T06:43:00.002-05:00

Today is Beth, my younger sister's 30th birthday! I remember 30! It was an eternity ago, and then again it feels like just a blink of an eye!

Until last year, my relationship with Beth has been distant to say the least. I was 20 years old and living on my own and she was just 18 months old when she was adopted into our family. At first without even realizing it, I resented her. You see from the time I was born, to the time Mom and Dad adopted Beth, I was the "only" girl in our family! And with my never ending need to feel special "Beth" was putting a huge strain on my life and my "special" position in the family.

With some counseling (seems like I always end up there!) I worked through my resentment and "tolerated" her being in the family. She was/is very different from me and we didn't have anything in common. Eighteen years difference in age (gosh at times I think, she could be my daughter) I didn't see having a close relationship with her every happening.

That was until last year when our Mom got sick. That was until I really got to know Beth, and got to see what a wonderfully strong, intelligent, hardworking woman she has become. Through the past year and a half, we have come together and made at times difficult decisions about where Mom would be hospitalized, where she would live, and then even moving her twice. Through all the hard times with Mom, Beth and I have grown so close, that I don't know what I would do without her.

I never thought having a sister would be a big deal. But having Beth in my life, as my sister, is a huge deal! She and I compliment each other in so many ways. She handles Mom's medication, because health care is her specialty and I handle Mom's finances because that is my strength. Together, we have laughed, cried, been angry, vented about this or that, shared good times and bad, and then laughed and cried some more.

She is such a very important part of my life. A part that I never knew I was missing! An empty place that God filled with "just the right sister"! No we are not blood sisters, we are more than that! We are best friends! I thank God everyday that he knew that Beth was the perfect sister for me! I thank Him for bringing us together through a really difficult time and out of it, showing us that we each have different strengths and weaknesses, but together we make one heck of a good combination!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

"I've Got You Covered, Lisa"

2010-05-06T06:38:00.002-05:00
One of the things I carry with me now days is the constant awareness that Charlie and I are responsible for subsidizing my Mom's income. I guess we are what they call the sandwich generation. Taking care of our parents and paying for college for our son at the same time. I'm not going to lie, it is overwhelming at times. I pray a lot about it! Standing on and claiming the promise of God that He loves my Mom, He loves Me, and He loves Tommy. And one way or another He is going to provide for all of our needs.

Yesterday was a vivid example of God reaffirming that He's got it covered!

I had to take my Mom to her Doctors appointment. Physically I wasn't feeling good, also because of my hard head and not listening to my GPS we were running a few minutes late (which I hate) so when we got there I was stressed.

We were called back to the Doctors office and proceeded with the discussion of my Mom's medication. She is currently in the "gap" of her Medicare Prescription Coverage. If you don't know what I'm talking about, that is where the Medicare Patient is responsible for paying 100% of the prescription cost. My Mom has one prescription that is 650.00 per month. That's right 650. 00 that's not a typo! We have always been able to get samples for this prescription, but not yesterday. The Doctor didn't have any and wouldn't have any for at least 2 weeks, then it would be limited.

My sister Beth handles Mom's medications and I handle her finances. Stepping into the "medication management" world was frustrating because I really don't know much of what is going on. All I knew at that moment was Mom had 2 days of this certain medication left and the Dr. didn't have any samples. I also knew that we had applied for "prescription assistance" with the manufacturer, but had not heard back from them. I was overwhelmed, trying not to cry so Mom didn't feel bad or guilty.

We went to the Pharmacy to get her prescription filled and I still didn't know what I was going to do. I was trying to figure out which and how many credit cards I could use to pay for her prescription. Mom was in the store doing some other shopping so she didn't know about this conversation with the pharmacist.

The pharmacists looks at me and says "that prescription for 90 days is 2,000.00", I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said "we can't do that". I told him that we would get 2 weeks and hopefully by that time we would know something from the manufacturer about the prescription assistance program. He said "that's still 306.00, maybe you should just get 1 week". At this time, I'm thinking okay, we can do this one week at a time! So I paid 154.00 for 1 week.

When Mom and I got home, I was working on her computer when the phone rang. It was the doctor's office where we had been earlier in the day. The Office Manager told Mom they "just got that certain medication in". Mom and I assumed they had just got a supply of samples. I was so relieved and told Mom I was going to go directly to her office and pick them up. My sister called at that moment and I was giving her a summary of the morning events. She said she was closer to the doctors office, and she would go by and get them.

What she found out when she got there, was that "the medication that came in" were not samples, it was a full 90 day prescription (for free) from the manufacturer. We have been approved for the prescription assistance plan. They will be providing this medication for the rest of this year to Mom at no cost.

I was amazed! I thought, wow God you are really good! You never cease to amaze me! Then I started thinking about the timing of the day. God could have had the medication delivered the day before and when we showed up, it would have been there and I would have been grateful. But with God's timing, He took me to the place where I knew "we" could not do it. Therefore, I had to trust God that He was going to take care of it! I just didn't know how!

The events of yesterday were an incredible reassurance that the expenses that are coming up with Mom and with Tommy's college are covered. I don't know by who or how, but God does, and He's got it covered!

Thank you God for showing me in living color your love and provision. You are always faithful, and I'm so grateful for Your timing yesterday. I'm so grateful that I had to get to the point of not knowing what I was going to do, before you stepped in and said "I've got you covered Lisa"!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

PS, The pharmacists took back the weeks worth of medication and gave us a Walmart gift card for 154.00 so Mom can use that for groceries! Another "Yeah God" moment!

The Chosen Few!

2010-05-04T07:07:00.002-05:00
Today I went into the settings of my blog and made some major changes! Hopefully they work like I want them to! I have struggled so long with "who saw my blog", "am I offending anyone", "is my life really any of their business", and the hardest one, "will I hurt anyone" with what I write.

So today I went and changed the settings to "only people I choose can view my blog"! What a sense of freedom I feel! So if you are reading this, I hope you know that you are among the few!

I have never been one of those people that have tons of friends. I usually say I don't have any friends, well except Charlie (oh and by the way, I'm still trying to decide if he gets to read this!). However today, I realized I do have a few friends! They may not live in the same city, I may not talk to them every day, every week or even sadly every month, but when we do talk, we pick up right where we last left off!

As I thought about the few friends that I wanted to have access to my blog, I thought about what really makes a friend. There is so much more to it than just knowing someone. There is trust, the kind of trust where what I say or write is safe. It's funny how that isn't normally the case, especially in some of my closest relationships, like family members.

A true friend, loves and accepts me no matter what I say or feel. Notice I didn't say likes it or agrees with it. I think that is where people get off base in relationships. They think that everyone else is supposed to think, feel, and talk just like they do. What a boring life that would be! However, it would be quiet!

I really want to thank God for the few "true" friends he has blessed me with over the past few years. As I think about them, I think about all the challenges they face sometimes on a daily basis. They are all different, and even my challenges are different, but there is still the one thing that draws us together. That is our faith in God and that He alone can carry us through whatever we are dealing with today!

Thank you God for showing me that I do have friends. Thank you for showing me a way to resume my writing and feel safe. Pouring my heart out to You God and sharing what you are doing in my life is a real joy for me. Thank you that I see this very busy season of my life that I have been going through this past year coming to an end! As I sit here taking a deep breath, I thank you that the stress and depression that have plagued me over the past few months is lifting. Lord, help me as I enter this new season of my life to find out what Your will is for me.

Lord, please be with my friends today. Whatever their struggles are, Lord help them to have the grace to deal with them. Give them strength and peace. Love on them and help them to not only feel your love but to see Your love in living color!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

He surrounds me with loving kindness and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things! Psalm 103:4-5

Grace Enough For Every Day

2010-05-01T21:52:00.006-05:00
I can't believe it has been a year since I blogged. I guess I went through a rebellious, private time. Either that or I just had so much darn stuff going on I haven't had time. I have been the baseball booster club president this year. Wow, talk about biting off more than I can chew! I had no idea!

It has been a year of challenges, but so far with God's help I have met each one head on and handled whatever was thrown my way! Hopefully now that baseball season is coming to an end, my tenure is almost over, and Tommy will be moving out in a few months, I'll have plenty of time to write!

Last night was Senior Night for Tommy's baseball team. It was a night full of emotions, from happy and excited to sad and tearful. Watching Tommy play baseball has become a way of life for me. Traveling with him to games has been my life for the past 7 years. So unless he plays baseball this summer, or goes on to play ball in college, that part of my life is done. That makes me sad just to think about it.

When I woke up this morning I told Charlie that God is really giving me the grace I've needed to make it through Tommy's senior year and not end up a basket case. Oh, I've had my moments of depression, but for the most part, I'm calm and have peace.

I guess that's the peace that passes all understanding that the Bible talks about. I am so thankful Lord, that your grace is sufficient to help me make it though every day no matter what I have to face. Whether it be a challenge at work, or with the booster club or parents with the program, or Charlie, or my parents, God you give me just enough grace to deal with every day!

Thank you Lord for leading me back to my blog. Thank you for prompting me to start writing again. Lord the next few months are going to be filled with emotions and change. Give me the words to express my feelings and may my words be an encouragement to anyone who reads my blog.

Be Blessed,

Lisa

The Paper Budget

2009-06-20T07:26:00.007-05:00
Forgive me for being gone so long! I have spent the past month struggling with what to do with my blog. I have thought recently about blocking all viewers unless they sign in, or even completely deleting it and starting a new one under an anonymous name! I get to a point sometimes where I just want a place to write privately where I don't have to worry about peoples feelings or reactions to what I write. However putting my blog on the world wide web really isn't very conducive to privacy!

Over the past few days God has reminded me that He prompted me to start this blog. He also has sent words of affirmation through people I don't even know that I should continue writing and not worry so much about how it is received or even who reads it. God has used my words, experience and life to touch a lot of people. He started it with a prompting deep in my soul and He alone will decide when I'm done. And I guess it's not today!

This morning I woke up afraid, anxious and worried. I laid in bed and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. I tossed and turned and finally just got up. 5:00 on Saturday morning is way to early, but that's how long I have been up.

My biggest fear lately is having enough money to pay for all of our responsibilities. It sounds ridiculous when I write that sentence. God has been faithful so many times in my life. It would take me the rest of today to write about every time He has come through in just the right time!

I think a lot of my anxiety comes from putting my trust in "things" or people other than God. I put my trust in my work, or Charlie's business, or sadly even our budget. I always feel safe and secure if I can see on paper a month out, all the money coming in and all the bills that need to be paid and if we make it everything is okay.

The problem with that is it is putting my trust is in the wrong place. Then when the "paper budget" doesn't work out, or we have an unexpected obligation I feel the panic start to rise in me.

Yesterday I was so stressed that I just became a witch. Snapping at everyone (actually just Charlie and Tommy) and just being really tense. Finally Charlie and Tommy just asked me what was wrong and I exploded that "I am worried about money" "I don't know how we are going to make it" and on and on. What a poor example I was of a Christian wife and mom. How I wish I had stayed calm and just trusted in God. Instead I took my fear and spread it to my husband and my son.

It's funny how the most basic remedy to my panic/fearful feelings (reading my Bible and praying) are usually the last things I do. I will go in my office and work and re-work the budget until I "think" it will all be okay. However, this morning I didn't go there, because I know on paper I can't get it to balance. It's too much and the "surprises" just keep coming.

So I started reading my Bible and looked at several verses on fear (always a good place to start). The one that really stood out is 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God did not give us (me) a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, or craven and cringing and fawning fear), but (He has given us (me) a spirit) of power and of love and of a calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control."

I had to laugh when I saw "well-balanced mind"! My mind doesn't feel very well balanced this morning. And I certainly haven't been calm. But I know as I continue to read His word and pray that He will hear me and help me. He knows all the "surprises" coming and I am so thankful to him they are not "surprises"!

Father God, help me this morning. I know that we are not the only people struggling to make it financially. Lord we are blessed to both have work and steady income. Lord why do I forget that You are in control. Why do I always feel like I have to be in control.

I pray this morning Lord that you will fill me with Your peace. Peace that comes from knowing that even though I don't see you (or feel you) right now, I still know in my heart that you are at work. That you haven't deserted us, that you love us and You God are the ultimate provider.

I know Lord from looking back that you have brought us to the place where we are now. That financially you want me to put my trust in You and not in Charlie's work, or my work or even the "paper budget".

Lord, help me to give you all my worries, all my concerns, from our finances, to Tommy's college, to Charlie's business, to my work, and back again to our finances! God you do care about me. You do love me. You are watching over us and providing for us. Lord help me today to feel your love, to see your care and to "rest" assured You are in control!

Casting the whole of your care (all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all) on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.
1 Peter 5:7

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Preparing For His Senior Year....

2009-05-25T08:03:00.006-05:00
Last night I found myself looking through some old pictures of Tommy. I'm already starting to gather them together for a special page in his Senior Yearbook, Baseball program and a cd I want to put together for him! I can't believe he'll be a senior next year. Where has the time gone?

As I looked through the pile of pictures I started thinking back over his life. Most of the pictures last night were from his early elementary years. And in particular the year I divorced his biological male type person (that's how I refer to him)!

I remembered the day that my 7 year old son crawled up onto my lap and held me crying saying please let my daddy come home. It still breaks my heart today to think of the pain he went through. But in the same thought, I remember just a few months before that, when I came home to a house full of sheriff's deputies arresting that same "biological male type person" and Tommy holding out his arms to me to hold him and crying "please don't let them take my daddy to jail". What a mess.

My eye fill with tears as I think back, oh how I wish it had been different. Then I start thinking, did I do enough for Tommy? Was I a good enough mom? I tried so hard back then, however most of the time I was literally hanging on by a thread myself, just trying to protect Tommy the best I could and make sure we had the essentials to live.

Now fast forward, I look at the young man Tommy has become today. I look at the "real dad" that God brought into his life. I see how God worked it all out and I am amazed. Not only did He protect Tommy and give him a dad, but He protected me and gave me the husband that I had so desperately been searching for in husband number one, two and three!

God I pray that I did enough for Tommy. The son that you blessed me with, my miracle child. God as I look back and think about how close I came to not being able to have a baby, I shake my head in disbelief. Your timing is perfect. You blessed me with the son I prayed for so many years. A son that was so much more than I ever dreamed. And God you also blessed me with a husband and marriage that is so much more than I ever dreamed of as well.

Lord, I pray as I prepare for Tommy's senior year that You will help me not look back with regret, but to look back in amazement at how you have worked not only in my life, but in Tommy's. Help me to feel not only sad that the time has rushed by (because I know I will), but to also be thankful that I was witness to this baby, becoming a young boy and finally a fine man. Watching him grow, developing physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I know Lord that I will have good days and bad days this coming year. I pray that you will make yourself real to me, help me to know that I did the best that I could with what I had. That I was the best mom I knew how to be. Lord, I pray that you will stop satan from torturing me with guilt over my mistakes. Remind me of the good times, and help me cherish every moment I have with Tommy this summer and next year before he leaves to go to college.

Help me to take time to talk with him, listen to him and spend time with him. God just as I did when I realized he was going to be my only child. Time is so fleeting Lord, help me to never be too busy for him, and to always be a safe place for him to land.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Floating Down The River Of Life? Not Any More!

2009-05-23T08:46:00.008-05:00
Have you ever floated down a river in an inner tube? Enjoying the feel of the water around you, the peaceful feeling, not really caring just letting the water and current guide you? The problem is, sometimes you get caught up in the peace and tranquility of floating and don't realize there is a water fall just around the bend.

This morning I have been thinking about all the people that will be floating down the Guadeloupe River this Memorial Weekend. Enjoying the current, relaxing in their inner tube or on their raft and just letting the water take them wherever....not really caring just enjoying the ride.

That's how I have lived much of my life...just enjoying the ride, not really putting out the effort to purposely get to where I want to be. Oh the good intentions are there, it's not that I don't care because I do...it's just that I don't consistently put forth real "on purpose" effort.

Putting forth effort would be more like canoeing. Have you ever canoed? I have and it takes effort. But you can guide yourself to a certain destination. You have to learn to paddle on one side and then the other, figuring out if you paddle opposite from what feels normal you actually turn the right way! After a while the rowing gets harder as your arm muscles start aching, but you finally reach your pre-determined destination.

I turned 47 this past week and I'm thinking probably half my life is over...stay with me here, I promise not to get too deep or depressing! But when I look at myself there are so many things that I just continue to let go, I continue to just drift through life.

Part of that is my health. Notice I didn't say weight! I'm really trying to not think about my weight. My weight has run my life long enough. If my weight is down I feel good, if it goes up I feel horrible about myself. If I eat the wrong thing or don't exercise I feel guilty.

So I am trying to change my focus to just getting healthy. Getting healthy is more than mere numbers on a scale. It means eating healthy and exercising, it also means getting enough sleep and drinking lots of water, annual exams, taking supplements and medicine properly, it also means stretching and building muscle. All of those things don't "just happen". If they did I would be the "perfect healthy middle-aged woman"!

So why am I not...because I'm just floating along. Not thinking just enjoying the ride. I can do that and live the rest of my life feeling crummy, or I can "purposely" determine that I am going to do something about my health. Usually this "revelation" happens to people after they have a close call with death.

Thankfully I have not. But I have heard of many people who are close to my age having serious health issues this past year. Both had strokes, one was minor and she has recovered and is taking better care of herself and one was major, he can barely walk and isn't able to speak much and will never be the same. One day he's totally normal, the next he can't walk or talk.

I say all the time that I should live each day like it was my last. What if I could see in the future and in 5 years (if I do nothing) I was going to die. On the other hand what if I could see in the future and if I started "concentrating" on my health and ate good food, exercised, lowered my weight, and my risks of major illnesses I knew I could prolong my life another 15-20 or more years how would I live today?

That's an interesting thought. I think I would definitely "on purpose" take better care of myself. I would "plan" healthy meals, "plan" to exercise, make sure I was getting my annual check ups and taking the appropriate supplements or medicine.

Well, I can't see into the future. But I do know this...I want to live as long as God wants me here on earth. He has a plan for me and I don't want to be the one to shorten it because I am unhealthy. I don't want to "float down the river of life" anymore. I want to direct my path, have a goal, route the course and follow through.

Thank you Lord for giving me the word picture of floating down a river vs. canoeing. I have been floating long enough. I can "think" about getting healthy all my life, but until I actually decide every day to do it, and rely on your help, it won't happen.

I read today in the Bible by Joyce Meyer "get up every morning, love God, and do your best in every situation. He will do the rest!" Oh, God I so need your help. I want to be healthy. It doesn't come naturally to me. I have never been active, or an athlete. At times I don't even see my body as my friend, it is more like my enemy. Especially as I get older and it hurts more when I get out of bed, or even just get up from sitting still for a while.

I am relying on you Lord today and everyday for the rest of my life to help me live "on purpose". Give me a new perspective on my body and my health. Help me to see and really take hold of the fact that you have a purpose for me here on earth and that is why I am still here. I want to fulfill your purpose. I want to have the energy to do whatever it is you ask me to do!

God you and only you know how long I have to live. Help me to enjoy everyday to the fullest and to do everything to make my life the best it can be, so that when I look back I have no regrets. And when I see you, you can say "well done"!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Thank You God!

2009-05-20T06:32:00.005-05:00
Yesterday was my birthday! I looked back at my journal from this time last year and I was amazed at the number of things that I was praying about last year that have changed! So this morning I started thinking about where I am today and wondering what my life will be like this time next year.

The first thing that I read made me laugh out loud. I was praying and telling God about how much I didn't like my boss, how nervous he made me, and how I wanted him to be moved to another position. Tada gone! I now have a really nice boss! One that even ends his emails with "have a great day"! He is totally opposite from what I had! This time last year I figured I'd be stuck with my cranky, scary old boss for years, but God had other plans! Thank you God!

I was also praying about Charlie getting a new job at a small town radio station so he could work closer to home and make more money. Well, he not only got that job, but he was laid off from that job and has now started his own company! He not only works closer to home, he actually works out of the house! Unlike working for a small town or even big city radio station where his income is capped by the company, his income is now totally dependant on how hard he works and the contracts he acquires. He is happier than I have seen him in years. Thank you God!

As I sit here and think about the areas in my life where I am struggling I wonder where I will be this time next year. I think about the decisions that came across my path that I said no to last year. I wonder what my life would be like if I had said yes. Mostly the decisions had to do with making more money and being promoted to another position that would result in moving the family across the country.

With Charlie starting his own business and Tommy being as entrenched with his school, friends and baseball, plus the opportunity to see my mom and dad on a regular basis I can only thank God that I listened to my heart and His small still voice and followed His lead and not mine!

God I thank you so much for my life today. Lord you know that there are areas where I am praying that things will change today. I know that you know what's best Father for me as well as for my family. I pray that you will work everything out for Your will. Thank you Lord for showing me this time last year through my journal and teaching me that just because today is what it is.....doesn't mean it will be that way forever. You are always at work! Thank You God!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You!

2009-05-13T06:19:00.005-05:00
My dad used to say "this hurts me more than it hurts you" whenever I was being punished as a child. I remember thinking "no way" your not the one getting spanked or grounded!

But....now, I get it! As a parent it really does hurt when you have to punish your child. Not physically, but somewhere deep down in your soul.

Tommy is in trouble. Not big trouble...dumb trouble. The kind of dumb trouble that I used to get into, and at times still do! We knew where Tommy was the other night, he was late for his curfew, but that just takes a lecture. But when he walked in and Charlie asked him where he had been he lied.

Lying, there is nothing in this world that is worse than lying. And to lie when he didn't really have to just doesn't make sense. So even though I hate it, he's grounded. One week for curfew violation and an added week for lying.

What always surprises me, is how I feel when we punish him. I hate it. When I was a girl, I guess I always thought my parents got some sense of power or satisfaction out of punishing me. But in reality from the parents perspective.....it stinks. Not just for Tommy, but for us.

I asked him last night, "when are you going to learn not to lie to us"? He said "now"! I hope he is right. I gave him a hug and told him how I hate to punish him. I could see in his eyes that he was hoping a parole was coming, but not this time. I said "I hate to punish you, but I have to". If I didn't love him, I wouldn't care what he did. I see that all the time with his acquaintances at school. They get into trouble and their parents either deny it or cover for their kid. Unfortunately, then they never learn from their mistakes.

I wonder if when God disciplines me if he feels hurt in his heart? I bet He does. I'd never thought about that before. I guess I've always felt like God was up there waiting on me to screw up and then he'd punish me, maybe even smirking when He did.

Thinking back over my life and all the mistakes he has allowed me to go through, I see his loving hands directing me and his soft voice whispering "dear child, you really don't have to make this so hard"!

Oh God, You teach me so much about You from being a parent. Thank you for the glimpse into your heart. How many times, I must break your heart and then watch me go through the mess that I create (for no good reason), knowing all along that I have to go through it, for if you rescue me, I will never grow to become the woman you created me to be.

Lord, I pray for Tommy this morning. I pray that you will help him to always be truthful. Lord that's such an important quality. I pray that he will learn the lesson this time, so we don't have to go through this again. I never realized the pain of raising a child goes so much deeper than just the labor pain. Lord help me love him, hug him and appreciate the time we have left before he goes off to college.

Father we have such a unique and special relationship. I pray that you will always help me to know when to pry and when to let him alone. I pray as our relationship changes I will be sensitive to his needs as a young man making his way in this world.

Thank you Lord that you are my loving Father. That you allow me to muddle through the messes I make without rescuing me so that I become stronger and more like You every day. Help me Lord today to see you working, to feel Your presence and to hear your soft voice.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

A Do-Over!

2009-05-11T06:39:00.006-05:00
I'm 46 years old. That may seem like an unusual way to start my blog, but it's a revelation to me! You see I've been thinking that I was 47 this whole year! Math was never my strong suit! When I realized that I was really 46 I got so excited. It's like I have been given another year to be 47! It's a gift, another chance, a do-over!

Even though I feel good about this past year, there are many things that I need to continue to work on. God has really been stressing to me that I need to focus on Him and not on the number of pounds I need to lose. That my writing has become more about me than about Him. Ouch that one hurts God!

I'm reading the book "Look Great Feel Great - 12 Keys to Enjoying a Healthy Life Now" by Joyce Meyer. As I read through her book, I am learning how to not only get healthy physically, but also learning how to love my body and accept where I am in my life. Again I am 46 soon to be 47, not 26 or 27. Therefore, I won't look or feel like I did in my 20's. That's a blessing. I said yesterday to my sister who is turning 29 this week that my 30's were much better than my 20's and I meant that. I was a mess in my 20's. I was less of a mess in my 30's but still a mess. My 40's have been some better. At least I am making progress, but how wonderful would it be if by the time I reach 50 I look better and FEEL better than I did at 30 or 20?

Today I read in Joyce's book "Be proud of today. Don't go beyond that. Don't look at how far you have to go, look at how far you have come." That statement could be relating to my weight, or my feelings about myself, or even my relationship with God. Trusting God every day for my needs.

Yesterday I was watching www.lifechurch.tv and the preacher was talking about God being enough for today. He is going to provide for me everything I need today. I don't need to look beyond today. That gives me such a sense of peace. It takes such a burden off of me.

God thank you for my do-over year! I can't believe that this whole year I thought I was 47 when I was really 46!

Thank you that you are enough. That you provide enough of everything that I need, from monetary provisions to peace to grace to patience, you provide it all.

Lord help me to put the 12 keys from this book to work this year in my life. Taking a step at a time, a day at a time, not with the end result to be 100 pound weight loss, but Lord for the end result to be that you are changing me from the inside out. That you are teaching me to love myself. To accept that I am not in my 20's that I won't look or necessarily feel like I did in my 20's.

Help me Lord to learn to love myself where I am today. Help me to see me, like you see me. Lord help me today to see you at work in my life and in my family. Thank you for all that you are doing. Thank you that you are in control and that YOU ARE ENOUGH FOR TODAY!

I love you Lord!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Mother's Day....Lessons From My Mom!

2009-05-10T10:07:00.006-05:00
I've been trying to figure out a good time to start blogging again! When I miss a few days/weeks and now almost a month, if feels like cleaning house or starting a diet, it's easier to just put off for another day! But today is Mother's Day, probably the best and easiest day for me to write about my feelings and lessons in life!

I looked back and last year my blog was all about my experience of being a mom. And trust me I could fill another page with that, but I think this year I want to remember and write about what I have learned from my mom!

Being a mom is the hardest job on the earth. When people say that they are usually talking about the endless diapers, sleepless nights when the baby is crying and trying to work a schedule that has too many tasks and not enough hours in the day. But that is just the beginning of what being a mom is all about.

When I think about being a mom, I think about what I have learned and how much I appreciate all that my mom did for me and more importantly all that she taught me not by her words, but by her actions.

Walk with me for a moment down my road of memories as I remember the "mom lessons" I learned that have made me the mom I am today.

Even though I don't remember when I was an infant and toddler I witnessed my mom "mothering" lots of foster babies in my teens. I remember the times when she rocked them and calmed them while rubbing their forehead and singing softly as they went to sleep.

As I look back I remember rocking Tommy and rubbing his forehead and singing to him, it seemed to come natural to me. But it wasn't, it was something I had seen and learned from my mom!

My mom is the one that was with me when I asked Jesus to come into my heart. I was 13, just sitting on my bed upstairs and all of the sudden I had the most awful feeling that I wasn't a Christian. I immediately got up and started to go downstairs to talk to my mom and tell her I needed to become a Christian. At the same time, my mom had been downstairs praying for me and she met me on the stairs (she was on her way to come up and talk to me about it)! When I saw her I said "mom I don't think I'm a Christian" and we went back to her bedroom and she was there when I prayed.

I too had the joy of being present when Tommy became a Christian. I watched him pray and witnessed his baptism. There is no greater joy for a mom than to witness her child give their life to Jesus.

My teen years were tumultuous to say the least. I can't imagine the sleepless nights mom spent praying for me. I was such a mess! The one thing I know and learned from Mom about my teen years was to pray that no matter what I got into, I would get caught. And sure enough I did!

I too prayed and continue to pray that God will make me aware when Tommy is getting into trouble and that "he will be caught" before he gets into too much trouble. I thank God and Mom for that lesson. God has been faithful, and for the most part (that I know of) I have been attuned to the times when "something just wasn't right" and Tommy was caught!

I can't imagine the tears that my Mom shed and the prayers that were said when I left home. I didn't go to college, I moved out and went to work. Mom and I went a few years where we didn't talk a lot, but when we did she always knew from my voice if I was doing good or not. I can remember her calling and her concern about my being depressed. Even though we had not seen each other in months, she could tell by my "hello" that I wasn't doing good. That's something only a mom can know!

As I prepare over the next 15 months (yes I have it down to months) when Tommy moves out to go to college I know I will shed many (happy/sad) tears and spend many hours in prayer like my Mom. I can only hope that I will be as attuned with his life and what he is going through as my Mom was with me. I hope that (like Mom) I will know when he says hello how he is doing.

Now that I am in my mid forties, the time I spend with my Mom is precious. I share with her and she shares with me. We are more than mother and daughter, much more, we are friends.

Thanks Mom for all the lessons you taught me, not in words but with your actions!

I love you! Happy Mothers Day!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Short and Sweet

2009-04-15T07:44:00.003-05:00

"Pray and Let God Worry"
Martin Luther King

Now that is good!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Life Is A Marathon Not A Sprint!

2009-04-08T06:32:00.007-05:00
Last night after eating several chocolate chip cookies I sat down in my recliner feeling fat and disgusted. I am out of control and I don't know why. Whenever I eat, I don't think "what would Jenny Craig do!" Lately, I just grab, order or fix whatever I want and it's usually not very healthy. The really unbelievable thing is I don't seem to care when I am doing it. Of course when I am done eating uncontrollably and feeling gross I have a giant helping of guilt to finish off my meal.

Then to top it all off, I went back to some of my first blog entries from this time last year. I was doing so good both in my walk with God and in getting healthy. After reading those blogs I thought to myself "wow Lisa you are really off track".

So this morning when I read Philippians 1:6 I was amazed at how God always knows where I am emotionally, mentally and physically. I have read and heard this verse so many times, but today it is a message of hope.

I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ (right up to the time of His return), developing (that good work) and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you. Philippians 1:6

This life is a journey. I will have good days and bad days, good years and bad years. I haven't accomplished everything I wanted this last year, but I have made progress. I am still 20 pounds lighter than I was last May. And spiritually God has taught me so much about listening to my peace meter.

My "peace meter" as I like to call it, is that feeling I get inside me when I have to make a decision (big or small). I'm new to listening to my "peace meter". I have often thought this past year, if I had listened to it more in my life I would have saved myself some major heartache. But all in all, I know that my life has turned out and is turning out just like God designed.

So I'm on a journey. I don't believe God wants me to spend today beating myself up about what I did yesterday, including all the chocolate chip cookies that I ate. I can almost hear him saying "Lisa turn the page, that day is over and I have given you a brand new day TODAY"!

Thank you Lord, that you give me a new day everyday. Lord, help me to forgive myself from the over indulgence of cookies yesterday. Thank you (I guess) for the upset stomach I had all night that was a reminder of why "moderation" is a good thing!

Lord help me to see the progress that I am making and to keep in mind that this life is a marathon, not a sprint. That I am on a journey and I will have days and years where I make great progress and I will also have days and years where I don't.

Father help me to remember that you have begun this work in me, this transformation by the unmerited grace that you show me everyday. And that You are not finished with me yet!

Be Blessed
Lisa

Why Am I So "Out Of Sorts"?

2009-04-07T06:55:00.006-05:00
Today's entry will be short. I'm at least trying to get back into the habit of blogging something every day.

I still feel "out of sorts" this morning. That's the term I used with Charlie yesterday. It's a kinder more gentle term than depressed.

When I think of all the wonderful blessings I have in my life, being depressed doesn't make sense. God has blessed me with a family, home, work, health, so many things that others are struggling with or totally going without.

Last week I heard of a mom who lost her only child. She was 17 years old and a senior in high school. She was killed instantly in a car crash while driving home from the movies. This morning I read an email about a woman who found out yesterday that she has breast cancer. When I open my email at work this morning there will be many resumes to sort through from people who are out of work.

As I think about all of those situations that others are going through my being "out of sorts" seems ridiculous.

Father God, help me today to get my mind off of me and to look around and realize how incredibly blessed I am. Father I pray for the mom who lost her daughter last week, I don't know her, but my heart breaks for her as I can only imagine what she must be going through. Lord I pray for the woman that found out yesterday that she has breast cancer. I pray that you will give the doctors wisdom and her peace and assurance that You are in control.

God today, please heal my heart. Lord I have gone through a lot of stress in the last 6 weeks. I always seem to be strong and calm in the midst of the storm, but tend to crater after everything has calmed down.

Father, help me to look to you for my joy today. Help me to see others around me through your eyes. I pray Lord that you will take away my worries, fear and anxiety, and mostly my feelings of depression. Help me to remember today how very blessed I am.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

The Lord is near the broken-hearted; he is the saviour of those whose spirits are crushed down-Psalm 34:18

It's God's Battle Not Mine!

2009-04-06T05:54:00.007-05:00
Have you ever been happy for someone, but also hate them and are jealous of them? Maybe someone gets a new car and you know they need it, but your car is old, ugly and breaks down all the time. You would really like a new car, as a matter of fact you have worked really hard to get a new car, but you still can't afford it. And now you are thinking "God, I have worked really hard, why didn't I get the new car"?

I find myself struggling with those feelings this morning, happy for Charlie and his weight loss because he really needs to lose weight and get his diabetes under control, but also very jealous. He has lost almost as much as I have and hasn't had to "work" at it at all. The medicine he takes just makes him "not hungry". So he's walking up to me and showing me how loose his jeans are and pushing his plate away saying he is full when there is food left. This is a guy that used to eat 2 and 3 plates and still be munching later on snacks. It's infuriating!

We went to dinner the other night with people that he graduated from high school with 30 years ago. It wasn't the "official" reunion that comes in October. (Yes, there is still time!) I could tell he was excited and felt good about the way that he looked and he did look really good. He has lost 15-20 pounds and his stomach is a lot flatter. I on the other hand felt like the fat unpopular girl sitting in the corner. Wow, how fast I can race back to my awful teen years!

I have eaten like a woman out of control for the past month. I told myself this morning I would start eating healthy again and exercising, but I can't even bring myself to step on the scales.

This morning I was reading II Chronicles 20:15b

"The Lord says this to you: Be not afraid or dismayed at this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but Gods."

The words that popped out were "be not dismayed; for the battle is not yours, but Gods".

Dismayed in Webster's Dictionary is defined as (perturbed or upset)! That's exactly how I feel...I am perturbed (angry) that I have to work so hard to lose a pound and upset that Charlie takes this medicine and loses effortlessly. It's just not fair. There I said it, I've been thinking it all along, but now it's out there! I know God never said "life was fair"!

Peace came when I meditated on the final part of that verse "for the battle is not yours, but Gods". Whatever I am battling, it is God's fight. Even my battle with my weight. And IT IS definitely a battle! I battle against low self esteem, my feelings of failure, and now add into the mix jealousy.

Lord, I am claiming this verse this morning. My battle with my weight is yours. My battle with my self esteem is yours. Father my battle with anger and jealousy over Charlie's ease of losing weight is yours. Thank you Lord that He is taking his medicine and getting healthier.

This morning Lord I couldn't even bring myself to step on the scales. I have eaten everything in sight the past 6 weeks. I have been totally out of control. Lord I am so weak in this area. You know how I struggle with eating healthy. Father I pray that you will help me to love myself, to desire to take good care of this body and to honor you with it, to see it like you see it, Your beautiful creation.

I feel like a failure Lord. I started this blog to journal my weight loss. If I had stayed on track I would have lost almost 100 pounds by now. It makes me sick to think of how I would look and how I would feel about myself.

Lord, help me to see myself like You see me. Help me to start fresh today and not beat myself up over the "what ifs" of my past year.

Thank you Lord for do-overs. Thank you for your grace and forgiveness. Thank you that you love me even when I act, think and feel ugly. Lord I pray that you will use me today, fill me with your Holy Spirit. Lord give me the desire to eat healthy and exercise. Help me to not worry about what the scales say or what Charlie does. Help me to take it one day at a time. Help me to concentrate on me, my health, my attitude and what you are doing in my life and not Charlie's. This is between you and me God and I give it to you!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

The Circle Of Life

2009-03-14T08:39:00.007-05:00

When I was reading in "The Daily Bread Devotional" yesterday I underlined the following passage. It was so comforting to me I wanted to share it with you!

"Trials can make life seem not worth living. Focusing on ourselves can lead to despair. But putting our trust in God gives us an entirely different perspective. As long as we live in this world, we can be certain that our all-sufficient God will sustain us. And as His followers, we will always have a divine purpose" - Dennis Fisher.

Then I turned in my Bible and read the following scripture:

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God (Who is the Source) of every comfort (consolation and encouragement), Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction), that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress, with the comfort (consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted (consoled and encouraged) by God." II Corinthians 1:3-4

What a wonderful scripture. As I am going through these daily struggles and the pressure of taking care of my mom and finding her a place to live God is being faithful in sending me new and old friends to (console and encourage) me.

And if I understand this scripture correctly, as I go through this time of pressure and stress, God is teaching me about His mercy. He is comforting me through the Holy Spirit as well as sending people into my life to comfort and help me during this time.

When I make it out of this time of trial, I will have the experience and empathy to comfort others who are going through similar difficulties in the future. That is my divine purpose, that is all of our divine purpose who are believers. To take the struggles of this life, live through them, experience the grace and mercy of God and then show it to others who are hurting.

Now for the really cool part! As I sit here writing I am thinking about how my mom comforted a friend of hers who recently lost her mom. You see my granny (my moms mom) died suddenly and at a relatively young age. My mom used her experience of losing her mom to console and encourge her friend. And guess what? Now that friend of my moms is encouraging me.

Now that's the kind of revelation that makes me want to jump up and yell "God you are so awesome!"

Lord, I am humbled today as I sit here and reflect over the past three weeks. The times that I felt inconsolable You consoled me. The times when I felt overwhelmed You gave me peace. The times Lord when I have felt like I was being swallowed up by the pressure and stress You sent Your precious children to encourage me and lift me up.

Lord may I continue to keep my eye on you as I walk through this coming week. Lord Beth and I have to find my mom a place to live and get her moved. Lord please give us wisdom, help us to find the perfect place for my mom. My mom loves you so much God and has served you faithfully through her life. I pray Lord that you will continue to heal her and restore her.

Father, thank you for the "circle of life" that you showed me this morning. Lord help me to always see You when others are encouraging and consoling me. Help me to use my experiences in life to encourage and console others that are going through similar struggles.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Without Hope There Is Depression.....

2009-03-08T08:51:00.015-05:00

This morning I woke up feeling very depressed. Feelings of hopelessness, fear and doubt about the future are all pressing down on me.

I have also noticed this past week that I am short with people. Maybe a better description is volatile. People I don't even know like drivers on the highway, people at the store or even people at Tommy's ball game, I just get really angry over little things.

I don't like it when I feel like this. I went to bed early last night and just covered up my head. I wanted the world to go away. When I woke up this morning I didn't want to get out of bed.

When I came downstairs this morning for my quiet time, I told God how depressed I felt (like he didn't already know) and I also told him I needed some encouragement. Then I promptly tried the plop and flop strategy with the Bible. You know when you pray for a word and then plop the Bible down and it flops open and you read wherever it lands for a "special word from God"...well this morning it didn't work. So I went to the back of my Bible and looked up verses dealing with depression. WOW there are plenty of verses to choose from on that topic. Apparently depression has been prevalent through the years and was often mentioned throughout the Bible. That makes me feel somewhat better!

But You, O Lord, are a shield for me,my glory, and the lifter of my head.
Psalm 3:3

The comments written by Joyce Meyer about this verse states "You only have two options. One is to give up and quit; the other is to keep going. If you decide to keep going again you have only two choices. One is to live in constant depression and misery; the other is to live in hope and joy."

I want to choose hope and joy. Hope is the opposite of depression. Depression is the result of feeling hopeless. But isn't it true that as long as I have God working on my behalf and the behalf of the one that I am praying for there is always hope?

Lord, I've had many hard times in my life. I've had times when I didn't feel you at all, I wondered where you were. I felt hopeless. But Lord this morning I see a glimmer of hope. I feel your presence even as I write in my blog.

Behold, the Lord's eye is upon those who fear Him (who revere and worship Him with awe), who wait for Him and hope in His mercy and loving-kindness. To deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. Our inner selves wait (earnestly) for the Lord; He is our Help and our Shield. For in Him does our heart rejoice, because we have trusted (relied on and been confident) in His holy name. Let Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord be upon us, in proportion to our waiting and hoping for You. Psalm 33:18 - 22

Please God help me to not feel depressed. I know that I have a lot of stress in my life. And Lord I also know that without you, I will crater into a heep of crying hopeless mess. Lord as long as you are involved, I know it is never hopeless. Let Your mercy and loving-kindness be upon me. Lord I am waiting and hoping in You. You are my shield (my protector). You are my peace when all around me is chaos.

Lord so many times in my life, my mom has spent hours praying for me. Lord I pray for her this morning. I pray that you will heal her mind, give her clarity of thought, touch her heart and give her peace.

Father I pray for my brothers, sister and me. Give us wisdom, Lord it's the unknown that is weighing on us. Lord help us to know what your will is for mom. And Lord please help me to show YOUR love to my siblings. I pray for them that you will touch there hearts and out of this difficult situation Your power will be evident.

Lord, I also know that if through this experience all of mom's kids came to know you in a personal way she will say IT WAS ALL WORTH IT for that is her greatest prayer!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Thank You God That You See My Heart And Not My Thighs!

2009-03-06T21:04:00.008-06:00
Can I lose 60 pounds in 3 months? I need to! My most favorite 2nd cousin in-law is getting married AND Charlie has his 30 year high school reunion.

Now that's incentive! So even with everything I have going on with my mom, my family, Tommy, Bobby and Charlie starting his new business, I am recommitting myself to exercising and losing weight. Actually it might be a nice way to escape!

I know I can't lose 60 pounds in 3 months. But if I work really hard and stay committed I could lose 36ish pounds! I still won't actually write my weight in my blog (because I still won't tell Charlie how much I weight), but I will be much closer to my goal of losing 100 pounds.

This is my most favorite and least favorite weekend of the year. It's my most favorite because I know walking in the morning will be "just right"...not too cold and not too hot (at least for a while). So I'm going to grab Sissy and her leash again every morning and start walking. I love walking early in the morning because it cool, quiet and all the worries of the day are yet to come!

It's my least favorite weekend because I lose an hour of sleep Saturday night. And let me tell you this....I don't like losing sleep!

Thinking about the wedding and the reunion makes me just want to look good. To be able to look in my mirror and think..."dang girl you are hot!"

Charlie and I are both on Facebook now. I have about 40 friends and he has about a gajillion friends. I never knew he knew so many people. And all these "old" friends from high school (mostly girls) are commenting on his page. "Ohh Charlie, how have you been"? "AAww Charlie what a lovely family". bla bla bla It really makes me want to puke.

I sound jealous and maybe I am "a little". Yuck, this blog entry is not turning out like I had planned. I never like it when I look bad!

Where does this insecurity come from? Will I be more secure if I lose the weight? I think I will. I know, I know, I should "love myself no matter what I weigh"...what a bunch of hooey.

God, I know you made me just like I am. Well not exactly, I made myself fat. But you made me beautiful. Lord I wish I could love myself, but I really have a hard time with that. I see the pictures of these "old friends" of Charlie's and I think..."am I pretty enough?"..."will he be tempted"?....God, I pray that you will give Charlie "eye's for me and me alone".

Help me Lord to come to a place where I accept myself as I am. When I lose the weight, Lord, help me to not love myself because of what I look like but to love myself, because of who I am on the inside. Wait a minute, Lord, help me TODAY to love myself not because of what I look like, but because of who I am on the inside.

So here I go again God. Recommitting myself to getting healthy. Thank you for the incentive of the wedding and the reunion. Thank you that no matter how much or how little I lose you see my heart and not my thighs!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Hard Times Are Good For Me!

2009-03-05T07:02:00.005-06:00
Are hard times good for me? I'd say Yes!

In my life I have had so many hard times. From divorces, to family struggles to job changes, to humbling myself to go to a food pantry for food I look back and see that hard times are good for me.

I could never have dreamed up the past two week. It has been one event after another. Crisis on top of drama on top of more crisis. The one thing that has been stable in my life, the one thing I could always count on no matter what time of day was that God was with me, hearing my prayers and taking care of everything.

Oh, sometimes he used circumstances, sometimes he used people but he was always evident. That's the cool part of going through struggles in life. They suck as I go through them, but when I can see how awesome God is and how He was working the whole time it increases my faith and develops my relationship with him.

My mom is finally in a facility where I think she will be able to get the help she needs, I am flying home this morning and looking forward to visiting with her tonight. I appreciate her more today than I did two weeks ago. I love her more today than I did two weeks ago and I'm more grateful today that she is my mom than I was two weeks ago.

I wish it didn't take crisis' to make me appreciate people in my life. I also wish it didn't take struggles to make be appreciate God and His power working in my life. But it does. Hard times are good for me. They snap me out of the haze of walking through life everyday doing the same thing day in and day out and makes me appreciate the little things in life.

God I thank you today for the lessons you have taught me the past two weeks. Lord you have worked so many miracles and shown yourself to me in so many ways. I pray that you will continue to be with Mom and help her to recover. Lord I pray for the other members of my family that don't know You and Your peace. They look for peace in drugs and alcohol. Lord I pray that you will heal their addictions and draw them to you.

Thank you Lord for the little things that I'm appreciating this morning, like going home, watching Tommy play baseball and then seeing my mom tonight. Lord I pray that you will use me to be your light. Use me to be your witness to my brothers and sister. May they see you in my words and actions as well as in my heart.

Thank you for always being with me, hearing me and loving me.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree....

2009-03-03T06:48:00.007-06:00
Have you ever heard the phrase "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree"?

What I have experienced this past week during this difficult time with my mom's illness is the "apples" from the tree of life (God) ministering to me and my family. The Bible says over and over that God is love. And if we love God we will love others.

In this crazy world we live in, finding "real authentic" Christians can be a difficult challenge. Oh, there are lots of people out there that claim to be Christians, spewing all kinds of legalistic guilt producing sermons. The Christians, that act all phony baloney and righteous on Sunday, and then treat others like crap the rest of the week.

What I have experienced this past week has been real authentic Christian love. The kind of love and support that only comes from God. It's been amazing to see God's love in action, at times coming from total strangers. It reminds me that all of us as children of God are family.

I have been overwhelmed this week with worry, fear and physical fatigue because I didn't know what was going to happen from one moment to another.

However, as I look back the feeling God's love and His unexplainable peace is overflowing in my heart. I can see how he has worked and is working everything out. Not only has he taken care of my mom, but he has restored my relationship with my sister. Now that's cool! A Twofer!

Thank you God for all that you are doing. I continue to ask you to take care of my mom. Lord in Isaiah 26:3 you promise to keep us in perfect and constant peace if we will just keep our mind on You. Lord you are my everything. I give it all to you, my mom, my family, our finances, my children, my work, Lord everything is yours.

I praise you and thank you that you have sent to me your wonderful children that have lifted my mom and my family up in prayer to you. Lord you have shown me your love in "living color" this week and I am in awe.

Lord please help me and Beth as we make decisions on mom's behalf regarding her care and what is best for her. I pray Lord that you will open the doors that need to be open and work out all the details. I'm so grateful Lord that you are a God of details. You leave NOTHING to chance.

Thank you for your love. Lord help me today to show your love to my sister and brothers. Help them to see that there is more to being a Christian than just a title. That being a true Christian means having a relationship with our Father in Heaven. And Lord may they see that with me "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree"!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind (both its inclination and its character) is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.
Isaiah 26:3

A Letter To Jesus

2009-02-28T07:49:00.006-06:00
Dear Jesus,

This morning I am so overwhelmed. I decided to write this letter to you because I really don't have anywhere else to go. Gosh, as I write that, it just sounds ugly. I don't mean it that way. I'm just in need of a person, one in real flesh and blood that can listen to me and understand all that I am going through.

Charlie's asleep and getting ready to get up and go umpire 4 games today. He won't have time to listen and even if he did he wouldn't understand. I can't talk to my mom because she is sick right now, and I can't talk to my dad because some of my hurts he wouldn't understand either. I could call and make an appointment with my counselor but he couldn't see me for a few weeks and by then hopefully I'll be better.

As I sit here writing, it's dawning on me that I want to go to everyone else and then I finally go to you. That doesn't make sense, but I see in my life that I do that time and time again. That's probably why my life has been so hard at times.

Anyway, Jesus I need you this morning. You know how bad my heart is hurting. You know how worried I am about my mom. You know how worried I am about our finances since Charlie was laid off yesterday. Please help Charlie as he starts his knew business, please give us wisdom with our finances. God also please help my mom, help her doctors to have wisdom. Help us (my brothers and sister) to know what to do as we have never walked this road before.

Jesus, I got so mad last night. Why is it when stressful things happen to a family, people start being ugly. I know I was ugly. But at the time when I was on the phone with my sister in law, I didn't feel nice, I didn't feel patient, I am tired, and I am stressed. It's not the fact of who was wrong or right, (because I was right and she needed to butt out!) it's the fact that we don't need to treat each other ugly and fight amongst ourselves.

Please Lord forgive me and help me to be a witness of You and Your love. My brothers and sister don't know you like I do. God I pray that you will use this situation to bring us all closer together and more importantly closer to You.

I think I'm getting depressed Lord. I'm taking my happy pill every night, but I still feel sad and alone. Even when Charlie hugs me and I look in his eyes I can see that he has his own worries with his employment and he really doesn't get the hurt that I feel.

Jesus I wish I could just climb up in your lap and lay my head on your shoulder and cry. Because I know if you brushed my tears away You would get it. You get what I am feeling, You know my hurts and my worries.

I'm sorry to dump all of this on you this morning, but I really needed to get it out.

Lord, help me today to get everything done I need to get done. I'm going to Denver on Monday, we are having company tomorrow for dinner and I want to go to Tommy's game this afternoon. The laundry is piled up to be washed and I need to get caught up on my work that I missed yesterday.

Thanks for taking the time to read my letter Jesus. I know you already know everything that is going on inside of me, but it feels good to get it out. Help me to feel your presence today. Lift my spirits as I anticipate all the good things that are in the works. I know you are in control, I also know that you are working for not only our good, but mom's good as well. She is your precious daughter and you are taking care of her.

I love you Jesus.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

God Help.......

2009-02-27T07:44:00.006-06:00
Have you ever wanted to pray but couldn't form the words or even put together a sentence? There is so much going on, or you are so overwhelmed with worry, grief or depression that all that seems to come out is "God help"!

I am so thankful that God has given me the Holy Spirit. My personal translator. When I have said "God help" this week The Holy Spirit has stepped in and finished my sentence or plea. Sometimes I just sit quietly and open up my heart and ask God to look in and see all my hurts and worries.

This has been a very difficult week. I have been worried about my mom and getting her to the right doctors and facility that can help her get well. And if that isn't enough to have on my plate while trying to quasi work, Charlie called me yesterday and told me he was being laid off.

The funny thing is (not ha ha funny, weird funny) I didn't panic. I was very calm when he told me. This has been the kind of week where nothing has been in my control. I have to totally and completely depend on God.

God's timing is perfect. Everything that is going on with my mom and the help that she is getting is what she needs and God is working it all out. Charlie has been pursuing the idea of starting his own business and things were just getting going. He was going to continue working his "day job" until it was going good and his income would be replaced. Well, apparently now is the time to go full time! He doesn't have an official signed contract from any clients yet, but he should know something today about one and in the next couple of weeks, he'll know about three more.

It's all very overwhelming. I have literally taken each day this week one at a time. Sometimes hour by hour. But I know God is in control of everything. He always has my back!

Oh God, my world feels like it is spinning out of control. Please be with my mom and help her to feel better. Lord be with the doctors and give them the wisdom they need to get her on the right track to health. Lord you know how I tend to put my security in the fact that Charlie has a job. I know that You want me to put my security in You not Charlie or his job.

Lord I guess at times I put my security in the fact that I can go to both my parents, that they are always there to help me, listen to me and pray for me. Mom's not available right now. My dad has been great, but even he doesn't have the ability to take away all my hurts.

Only You Lord can take away my hurts and fears. Father I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you in my life. Lord take my heart today and heal it, help me to trust in you both with mom and with Charlie's new business. You are my protector and provider. You know me better than anyone even my parents.

Thank you Lord that I have today off from work. Help me to relax and defrag my brain. I feel like I just need some down time. I love you Lord.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

God Is My Refuge In The Inevitable Storms Of My Life....

2009-02-23T19:39:00.005-06:00
Today was a really hard day. Actually the past 4 days have been difficult. I'd like to start my blog today with something like...I have a friend who's mom is really sick...but after a couple of sentences you would figure out "my friend" is really me if you haven't already!

The thought of blogging tonight is difficult. It takes me to a blank page where I feel the need to pour our my heart, all my thoughts and feelings but I can't even begin to know where to start or what to write.

I won't go into what is wrong with my mom due to respect for her and her privacy. What I will share is what I'm learning from God about life and His faithfulness in the good times as well as the hard times.

I'm so grateful that I have God in my life. Last night I sat in my bed, Indian style (with my legs crossed) and cried and held my Bible as I read scripture out loud. It was as if I wanted to make everything better and the only way was to hear and read the word of God aloud.

The scripture I was reading came from Psalm 46. It started with "God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. That was it! That was the word from God that I needed. I just kept reading it over and over. HE IS MY REFUGE. MY STRENGTH. MY EVER PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE.

God, this blog is short. I pray that you will use it somehow to strengthen others who have family members that are sick. Lord I give you my mom tonight, she is very sick. I pray that you will help her sleep, Lord help her to feel your presence. Please be with the doctors and nurses that care for her. Give them wisdom. Father it's hard to watch her as she struggles with this illness.

Father God as I get older, I realize that life will happen. People in my life will get sick and will eventually leave me. Lord I thank you that you never leave me. I thank you that you are my refuge. When I think of a refuge God I think of a shelter that I am safe in during a storm. That's where I feel like I am tonight Lord. In the middle of an emotional storm.

Father calm me and help me to sleep tonight. Last night I laid down and tried to sleep but my brain never would turn off. I'm tired physically and emotionally. Help me be strong. Help me to help my brothers and sister to see You in me. Use me Lord as I go through this life experience to come out on the other side and know that you walked beside me and in front of me, always making a way for me.

Help me to be still tonight, and feel your presence and know you are with me.

I pray this prayer tonight Lord in Jesus' name. Amen

Be Blessed,
Lisa
Be still, and know that I am God
Psalm 46:10a

Valentine's Day Weigh In!

2009-02-14T11:48:00.004-06:00
It's weigh-in Saturday! I haven't had a weigh in blog posting in months. Since I have jumped back on the wagon I have lost 5.5 pounds. Charlie informed me last night that he has lost 7. I tried with all my might to smile and congratulate him. I don't think it was convincing!

When I look over this past week, I am encouraged at the different things that I learned. I am doing very well on the weight watchers on-line plan. There are so many foods out there (especially restaurants) that you can look up points. Planning ahead and knowing what I will and won't eat helps from spontaneous wrong choices.

I had one bad meal (meaning an excessive amount of points) this week. Apparently quiche is not a low calorie or low fat dish! Oh well, lesson learned. Also, don't start out the week in Denver Colorado where the air is thin by walking/running on a treadmill for 30 minutes. I'm not that fit yet...and I paid for it the rest of the week.

So lessons learned good and bad. Moving on to my next week and hopefully I will improve in more areas and continue to learn what I should and shouldn't eat as well as what my "appropriate" exercise level is.

I do feel good that I'm back to making progress with my weight. I have (for the most part) been kind to myself and not felt guilty for what I ate or didn't eat.

Today I am going to the movies with Bobby (he's my Valentines Day date!) and I plan on eating a small popcorn and milk duds (the best candy in the whole world). I know that isn't what I will eat every day, but I rarely get to go to the movies and this is a treat. Therefore, I just log the points and "walla" there is no guilt!

I can't wait until the day when I'm not "technically" on a diet. It can feel at times like a albatross around my neck. But until then, it's a learning experience. I'm excited about the future and all that I have to learn.

I'm also thankful that Charlie bought me a "very small" box of candy for valentine's day as well as roses. Considering he was going to give me tickets to the gun show, I think he did really good! And I found him a BIG box of chocolates. I know what you are thinking, "you are so mean, he's diabetic you know"! The chocolates that I got him are sugar free!

I think Valentine's Day is nice. But I also think that EVER DAY should be Valentine's Day! Everyday I should tell Charlie how much he means to me. So today, since I know that Charlie reads my blog regularly, this is for you babe! I love you! You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I thank God everyday that He brought you into my life. You are an incredible father to Tommy and Bobby and I love you so much! You are the best!

Be Blessed and Happy Valentine's Day!
Lisa

How Do I Trust Today When My Past Is Always Present?

2009-02-13T06:10:00.016-06:00
It's that time of year where love is in the air! Have you ever wondered how such a small word (love) could have so many feelings attached to it? Love consists of endurance, patience, kindness, trust, humility, putting others before yourself and on and on.

With valentines day being tomorrow my devotion this morning sent me to 1Corinthians 13 (the love chapter). This year I am using the Bible by Joyce Meyer (the amplified version) to read and do my devotions.

The passage on love always seems like a really lofty goal to me. Who can really put all that into practice all the time? The accomplishment of loving someone is not by my power but has to be by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Here are the verses from the amplified:

Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it (it pays no attention to a suffered wrong). It does not rejoice in injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything (without weakening). Love never fails (never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end).
1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 8

The part of the verse today that really stuck out is"believe the best of every person". Wow that can be really hard. When so many people have been mean, rude and even abusive to me, it's hard to trust. Isn't that what believing the best of every person really means? Trusting people?

Charlie and I are going through a possible "life changing" decision making process right now. The decision is one that scares the poodidle out of me. (I believe poodidle is a word, but I'm not sure!) The decision is one that even though in my past I have been hurt in this type of situation I am asked to "believe" and "trust" Charlie today.

My heart is fearful, almost panicked to a point. I know these emotions are not what God wants from me. But how do I trust Charlie with this? I don't. I trust God. Isn't He the final authority in my life? Hasn't God said to "not fear", but to trust Him. My future is in His hands. He will provide for me.

Oh God, trusting Charlie at this time goes against everything inside of me. It's not because of anything Charlie has done, it's because of my past. Lord, I've been burned so much. It's hard Lord for me to see this situation as "different". But Lord it is different, I am different, our circumstances are different and Charlie is different from the men that hurt me in the past.

Father, heal me from my past. Heal my heart and help me to move on, not looking back but looking foward.

Lord you gave me Charlie as a gift, I know that in my heart. Thank you for Charlie and thank you Lord for the way that he loves me. Lord, give him wisdom and strength in the coming days and months. Help him to make wise and prudent decisions. Lord give him favor everywhere he goes. Open doors Lord that only You can open.

Help me Lord as his wife to stand beside him, encourage him, support him, love him, and yes Lord to trust him.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

2009-02-11T07:13:00.011-06:00
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

There are several books written with that title and I'm sure several other publications or sermons that I have not seen or heard. I didn't come up with the line, but as I sit here this morning I find it to be a perfect word picture of my life.

I have two elephants in my life, my weight and our debt that are completing paralyzing me. When I think of all the weight I have to lose or all the debt we have to pay off, it is overwhelming. So what I normally do is nothing.

I don't know why I am like this....it's like if I can't do 100% then I just don't try. Take exercising for example, if I don't give it 100%, 30 minutes a day, 5-6 days a week I just give up and don't do it at all. When I write that it sounds crazy. Isn't doing something better than nothing?

When I think about all the weight I have to lose I become overwhelmed and give up. I don't think about what I eat, I don't write it down or plan my meals, I just fly through life on auto pilot.

Every week when I look at the giant elephant of our bills I feel the pressure suffocating me. Too much to pay, too little coming in. How can we become debt free when we are barely making the minimums? The elephant becomes a monster as I sit there feeling defeated by the pressures of life.

Wow, I'm depressing today! If you came here for a little pick me up, you might want to check back in a day or two!

However, reality can be depressing. But if I don't face reality the elephant will grow and grow and grow.

I have to develop a different attitude about eating healthy, exercising and paying off our debt.

I think the first attitude I need to develop is one of thankfulness. I need to be thankful that I have food to eat (plenty of healthy choices). I have a body that can exercise (my arms and legs work on most days!) And Charlie and I both have jobs that enable us to pay the majority of our bills.

So how do I eat each of these elephants one bite at a time? How do I change my all or nothing attitude? What if I chose one meal today to eat healthy instead of eating whatever, whenever? What if I exercised 10 minutes today instead of doing nothing? What if on Friday I paid an extra 25.00 on a bill instead of spending it frivolously? Would those changes make a difference?

Probably not immediately. But wouldn't I eventually start seeing progress? Maybe I could then set my goal at eating two healthy meals a day and exercising 20 minutes a day and paying off another 25.00 a week.

It might not be a month or even a year that I would find myself at my healthy weight or actually feel like exercising is what I want to do, not what I HAVE to d0. Maybe between now and then our income increases by God's grace and we are able to pay even more on our bills.

Then at least I am making progress. It would be slow. But it would be sure.

I'm tired of feeling like it is all too much. I'm tired of doing nothing, and year after year, the elephants in my life continue to grow and become even more crushing.

Lord, help me today and from this day forward to take each of my elephants and eat them one bite at a time. Help me to not be overwhelmed with the thought of how much weight I have to lose or how much debt we have to pay off.

Lord when I look past today I become anxious and worried. It's depressing to see how far I have to go. I know that you have said in Your word that I don't need to worry about tomorrow because it may never come.

I pray that today Lord you will help me to do something. That doing nothing is no longer an option in my life. Give me the strength and perseverance to keep on keeping on. Help me to remember that I didn't get to where I am in a day and I will not get to where I want to be in a day or even a week or month.

Lord I have dwelt long enough on this mountain, it is time for me to move on.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

The Lord our God said to us in Horeb,
You have dwelt long enough on this mountain.
Deuteronomy 1:6

Is Guilt Good or Bad For Me?

2009-02-08T09:41:00.005-06:00
Is guilt good or bad for me? I think the answer is maybe both......

I have lived the majority of my life under the blanket of guilt. But guilt can be good and bad.

Bad guilt is the kind of guilt that leads to or is a direct result of shame. I focus on me and how "bad" I am , what I have done wrong or how "worthless" I feel. It's an ongoing feeling that steals from me, beats me down and takes away the moments I am living now.

Guilt, both good and bad comes in all disguises....guilt about my past, guilt about what I should be doing, or shouldn't be doing, guilt about what I should eat or shouldn't eat. Guilt about not exercising, not going to church, not reading my Bible or spending time with God, sleeping in to late or not spending enough time with my family.

I am amazed at how much time I waste feeling "guilty". Satan uses "guilt trips" to stop me from enjoying my life. If he can ruin my present life, by leading me down the road of guilt about my past then he wins. If he can open up the flood gates of guilt over the time that I don't spend with God, then I start thinking that God is mad at me or disappointed in me. Guilt is the pre-cursor to shame, negative feelings and self defeating thoughts and actions. "If I only did, or didn't do"....fill in the blank, it's regret, coupled with guilt.

But there is also a good side of guilt. Guilt is the result of being sensitive to the Holy Spirit. It keeps me aware when I make boneheaded mistakes. When I sin, guilt brings the sin to my attention and I can then go to God and ask for forgiveness.

So how can guilt be both good and bad for me? How do I learn to differentiate between the two?

I don't want to live shackled by the guilt of failure or guilt from my past. But I also want God to keep me sensitive to the guilt associated with my sin.

Lord, sometimes as I write I feel like I am more confused at the end than when I started. Help me to understand guilt. Teach me to learn that guilt is good when it brings to my attention things that I need to ask you for forgiveness.

But also help me to recognize that the guilt that I feel over the past, or things you have already forgiven me of is Satan's way of stealing my joy.

Lord help me as I travel this journey to walk in forgiveness from my past. To be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and his prompting. To be aware when Satan is using guilt to steal my joy and peace and to come to you for help and strength.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

It's Not Fair.....

2009-02-07T08:20:00.006-06:00
It's just not fair. How many times have you heard that? How many times have you said that? Well, this morning, as I sit here drinking my coffee, I'm declaring "it's just not fair".

I will officially start my blog this morning with a "Lisa's going to be ugly" warning!

I'll start by saying I am very proud of Charlie. This week he decided to step into the reality that he has diabetes. It's taken him 7 years. He has for the most part lived in denial. Now this has really bothered me, actually infuriated me at times and scared me at others. But like most things in my life, I have no control. I can't control what he puts in his mouth (although I've tried a lot)!

So here we go again. I am following weight watchers on line and Charlie started concentrating on eating healthy. His doctor is sending him to a dietitian. He has started taking medicine that will help with his blood sugar but also takes away his appetite. PLUS it helps him lose weight. Well Charlie really does need to lose for his health. Of course I really need to lose weight for my health as well!

I weighed this morning. It's been a while (I guess since last November) that I have really concentrated on my health (eating healthy and exercising).

I can't let him lose all this weight while I stay a fatty. I lost 2.5 pounds this week. Yeah! Well, he lost 4. That's the way it will go....He'll lose twice as much as I do.

It's that man vs. woman weight loss mystery. It's the reason I know God is a male!

I told you I was going to be ugly today. So let the competition begin. Why competition you ask? Because that's how I work. EVERYTHING is a competition with me. Competition is good, it makes me try harder.

Even though I am sounding ugly, I am so pleased that Charlie is serious about taking care of himself. I have told him I don't want to be a widow at 50 something. I want us to grow old together and enjoy our children and grandchildren.

But this really isn't about Charlie. It's about me. I haven't gained back all the weight I lost last year. I'm still down 22 pounds. But I still want to lose a total of 100 pounds from where I started. Hopefully with the encouragement of Charlie eating healthy and the competitive spirit that I thrive on I am finally back on track for 2009.

It's February so I have 10 months until the end of this year. If I lost 8 pounds a month, that's 80 pounds this year and I'll meet or be really close to the 100. Doing the weight watchers on line helps me so much because I log everything I eat.

Well with the exception of the girl scout cookies I had last night. Why are girl scout cookies so addictive?

Father God, I'm bringing all of the emotions I am feeling to you to help me sort out. I am relieved and happy and thank you so much for answering my prayers about Charlie and his health. Lord, I pray that you will forgive me for being ugly. Forgive me for being jealous when Charlie told me he lost 4 pounds this week.

Lord I pray that you will walk with me as I jump back on the getting healthy wagon. (I seriously fell off during the holidays!) Give me the desire to eat healthy food, please help me to exercise. That's were I struggle the most. Lord, help me to see my body as your gift, not my enemy. Help me to learn to love it and treat it with respect.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy (NOT JEALOUS),
it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corintians 13:4-7

What Time Is It?

2009-02-01T08:13:00.006-06:00
I am struggling with my life. Not that my life is bad, it's not, it's very good and I'm very blessed. I made a decision about a year and a half ago to not apply for a promotion that would involve us moving to Wisconsin. Since then there have been several opportunities to apply for positions, but all of them would involve a move.

I have felt like at this point in my life I needed to put my families needs first. Every time a position comes up the whole situation gives me a great deal of anxiety. That is a pretty good indicator that it is not God's will.

I had an opportunity come up again last week. We would have to move to Wisconsin if I got it. Tommy is in junior year in high school, just got a girlfriend, is going to play varsity baseball this year and is very connected with his school and friends. Bobby is a sophomore and it would be really hard to see him, and attend his FFA events if we moved across the country. Charlie is enjoying his job and we are very happy with the home we have created here in Ft. Worth. So, my gut and my heart told me to stay put.

However, as I watch other people that I have hired or that I work with move up or on in their careers I feel myself becoming jealous. The position I have is a good one. I enjoy it, for the most part. However, I know I could do more and I know I could make more.

So what do I do while I wait on God to show me where he wants me?

Recently, it's been waller (?) in my self pity and jealousy. "I wish I had a new position", or "I wish I made more money" etc..etc..

What I need to concentrate on are the lessons and characteristics that God is growing in me. Patience (not a strong suit of mine!), contentment (still have some work to do there!), waiting on God (that's one that I continually work on !).

God has given me my husband and sons. My relationship with God is first, then Charlie and then the boys. I know in my heart that if I am patient and seek God he will direct me in whatever way he wants me to go. To be perfectly honest, I'd really like to stay right were I am (in Fort Worth!) I don't want to move across the country, or even across the metroplex.

So if I really don't want to move, then why do I feel so much jealousy about those that do? It goes back to money. We are so deep in debt and it would really help if I made more money, but to do that I have to move. What I so often need to be reminded of is that God can bring more money into our house whether we move or stay put. He can open doors I don't even know are out there.

This is the time in my life where I can still enjoy Tommy at home, watching him play baseball and become a young man right in front of my eyes. It's the time when Bobby can come over and in the only way he can, brighten up my world! It's a time in my life where my parents and Charlie's dad are still alive and we are close enough to see them regularly.

It's the time in my life where I need to just rest! Rest in the knowledge that God has it all in control. If I will just trust him and follow his will (which is indicated by peace in my heart), he will provide for me and open doors for me when and if the time is right. That time is His time.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

The Results Are In.......

2009-01-29T21:10:00.005-06:00
Well, I didn't quite make the 12 positive thoughts I set as my goal this morning, but I got 8! And if I know me, that's 8 more than I would have thought if I hadn't been consciously trying to think positive all day. (wow that was a convoluted sentence!)

Briefly I'll go through the list and plot out my plan for tomorrow. Then I'm off to bed because I have to drive to Austin tomorrow to work and then drive home. That will give me lots of time to think positive thoughts!

Here were my positive thoughts about myself.
1. I am a good mom
2. I am a good wife
(at this point I thought, I could add boss, friend, daughter, daughter-in-law etc..etc.. but I didn't think that was quite I had in mind this morning when I started this little project!)
3. I am pretty (that one took me a long time to write down)
4. I am calm
5. I am funny
6 I am caring
7. I have a strong faith
and finally....
8. I listen before I respond (usually!)

Not bad for my first day! I was surprised that most of my responses were (who I am, i.e., mom, wife, etc...) not what I am. I think I was looking more for things like...I have a pretty smile, nice eyes, great hair....more physical attributes, not my personality.

My physical attributes are what I struggle with the most. Looking in the mirror and thinking "wow I look good" or hearing Charlie compliment me is so hard for me to take gracefully, as well as believe.

Tomorrow, I'm going to continue thinking positive thoughts about myself, but I'm going to also add thinking (projecting) what I want to be, or where I want to be in the future. Thoughts like, "I am a healthy eater". Now I can tell you flat out, that's not where I am today (since I can still taste the brownies that I just ate).

The Bible says "as a man (woman) thinketh so is he (she), then if I think I am the way I want to be, then maybe I will become that way.

So tomorrow I "shall think" "I am a healthy eater". We'll see what happens!

Be Blessed!
Lisa

My Challenge For Today.....Think Positive!

2009-01-29T06:55:00.008-06:00
Have you ever known anyone that was always negative? They aren't much fun to be around are they? I wonder if that is what God thinks about me sometimes.

I started thinking about my relationship with God this morning and how He must feel when I am thinking negative thoughts or speaking self defeating words about myself. On the other hand Satan must love it when I do that. I can almost see the word picture of God in one ear and Satan in the other. I "think" or "whisper" to myself something like, "my butt is soooo big" and God is whispering to me 'Lisa I love you, you are special". And Satan is YELLING at me over and over "yeah, not only is your but the size of Texas, but look at all the new wrinkles you have, wow you are getting old".

Why would Satan want me to think negatively about myself? Why do I concentrate on the negative and have such a hard time believing God when He says "you are special", "you are beautiful".

I can remember going back to my childhood and dwelling on negative things about myself. Notice I said "dwelling". Dwelling is not just a quick thought, but multiple thoughts, pondering, thinking something over and over and over.

Today I want to take the first step to change my thought process. I am going to consciously write something positive about myself every hour.

Why every hour? It's easy to remember (I can set the reminder on my phone!). Why write the thought? I want it engrained in my mind and heart.

By the end of the day, I hopefully will have at least 12 things that I consciously notice that are positive about myself. If not 12, I can guarantee you that I will be more aware of my thoughts today, good and bad, than I would if I didn't make this challenge with myself.

I'll get back with you this evening to let you know how it goes!

Father God, help me today to stop each hour for a second and think something positive about myself. Lord, bring my positive attributes to my mind. Take away the negative thoughts and replace them with healthy, positive thoughts. Help me to recognize damaging thoughts and stop them from influencing my life.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

"Remember, your actions won't change until your mind does."
From Joyce Meyer's Book "Battlefield Of The Mind"

21 Days?

2009-01-28T09:57:00.010-06:00
"They" say (not sure who "they" are, probably some highly educated nerd birds!) that it takes twenty one days to change a habit. Whether or not it is a good or bad habit it takes twenty one days. I'm not so sure that statistic is correct. I quit smoking 4 years ago and it took me a lot longer than 21 days to change that habit!

I guess the reason I even starting thinking about the twenty one day philosophy is because I will have to change multiple habits to become my new best friend.

Since last week when I wrote about this years goal of becoming my new BFF, I've thought a lot about what I will have to do to make that happen. It sounds easy on the surface. Just decide, "I'm gonna like me and be kind to me", and do it, but it's not as easy as it sounds.

Interestingly enough, I used to refer to cigarette's as my "best friend". How pathetic is that? But as I think about changing my habits and learning to be nice to myself I think about what I went through as I quit smoking. It was as if I was losing a friend, a comfortable, comforting friend. A friend that was (by the way) also killing me!

My habitual negative thoughts and words about myself are a habit that I must quit using if I am going to become healthy and happy. I also believe that my negative thoughts and words that consistently run through my mind are killing me. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. (and maybe physically as well)

I took a quiz the other day. You know the quizzes that all us girls like to take to see what type of guy we are attracted to, or what type of personality we have, etc...etc....Well this quiz was about getting healthy, and what I had to do to get healthy.

Get this! The number one thing it told me was that I "must manage my thoughts, recognize negative thoughts when they run through my mind and replace them with positive messages". Ha ha, I about fell out of my chair!

That has to be the first thing I work on, as daunting of a task as that seems, it might be the only thing I work on and hopefully accomplish this year! What a difference in my life if I could just accomplish that. I'm not sure how many thoughts I think a day (and night) but I would surmise that it is in the thousands. I also wonder how many of the thousands of thoughts I think everyday are "negative or hateful" thoughts about myself?

Becoming aware of the thoughts must be something I consciously work on. If I don't know what I am doing and when I am doing it, how do I change it?

Lord I pray that you will open my eyes to my thoughts and words that are ugly and negative about myself. Help me to replace those thoughts and words with positive, edifying thoughts and words. Help me to remember that you thought about me, before you created me. You put me together, picked my eye color, hair color, height, weight, foot size, and even my nose! You knew what you were doing, you think I'm beautiful and you want nothing more than me to be at peace with myself.

Lord this battle that rages inside me everyday is a constant personal attack of ugly thoughts and words. It must grieve you every time I think something negative about your creation (ME). Help me to fall in love with me! Help me to see me as you see me! Help me Lord, to be at peace with myself. To not compare myself with others in the world, but to accept that I am exactly what you wanted. You weren't surprised when I showed up, and you have NEVER THOUGHT I WAS A MISTAKE.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

A Picture Of My Old Flame....

2009-01-23T14:49:00.005-06:00
Have you ever found a picture of an old flame?

It happened to me yesterday. I was looking at a facebook from an old friend of mine and there it was, out of the blue, a picture of my old flame. All I could think was "ewww"! And then I thought "gosh he sure got old"!

Today, I find myself thinking about that picture of my old flame and my life now and how it "might have been". Thank God that it isn't! So many times, what I think is right for me or thought was right for me turned out to be so wrong for me!

I've written a lot in my blog about Tommy and how blessed I am to have him in my life and to be his mom. But today I need to write about Charlie and how blessed I am to have him in my life and to be his wife.

When I think of my life and how it could have been if I hadn't met Charlie or worse hadn't fallen in love with him, I shutter. God has given me a man that loves me no matter how much I weigh, if I have makeup on or not, in my sweats or a fancy dress with high heels, crying or laughing, pouting or teasing, hormonal or normal, it doesn't matter, he still loves me.

Charlie is my best bud! I have more fun with him than anyone else in this world! Oh, he can be a pain in the keester some times, but so can I!

And, it's not that we don't argue, doesn't everyone? But we laugh more than we cry, we hold hands more than we argue, and we speak nice things more than ugly, so it's all good!

Dear God, I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that you brought Charlie into my life. And that you gave me the smarts to love him! Thank you that you know what's best for me in this crazy world. And that you have been patient with me as I tried to figure it out on my own. Thank you Lord for little reminders (like that picture of my old flame) that I AM BLESSED! And YOU KNOW BEST!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

From This Day Forward
Author Unknown

From this day forward, You shall not walk alone.
My heart will be your shelter, And my arms will be your home.

I love you Charlie!

My New BFF! (Best Friend Forever!)

2009-01-22T12:03:00.010-06:00
I've done a lot of soul searching over the past few weeks and months. I've been looking at my life, where I am, where I've been and where I want to be or rather what I want to be now and in the future. It finally dawned on me this morning......

I want to become (drum roll please).....my own best friend (BFF). You may be thinking that sounds stupid. Or it took you that long to come up with that? Maybe it even sounds like I'm going to become stuck on myself, stuck up or "too big for my britches" (as we say down south!).

I have thought about my weight, and my complete hatred of exercising. Every time I start a new diet or program it always feels like a new set of rules. Do this, eat that, don't do this or eat that. I don't do well with rules. Just ask my parents!

So why do I want to become my new best friend? Because best friends love each other. They are nice to each other, they speak kindly to each other and about each other. They even think positive and loving thoughts about the other.

I don't do that with myself. If anything, I loathe myself, thinking negative thoughts, speaking ugly things to myself even if it's a whisper under my breath about my big butt! As I have thought about the way I treat myself I wonder if my over eating and not taking time to exercise is a form of self abuse or even worse self hatred.

Oh, so much to psycho analyze and so little time!

I want to learn to love myself, be nice to myself, speak kindly to myself and think kind thoughts about myself. I have spent a lot of time just being plain mean to myself.

I want to eat healthy because I love myself and it's good for me, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO DO IT! I want to learn to enjoy the time I spend exercising (not because I have to), but because I enjoy the time alone with me. And maybe even at some point and time I will develop a positive attitude towards exercising.

So my blog for the next few weeks or months, maybe even years will journal my process and progress of becoming my new BFF! The journey of learning to love myself!

Thank you God that you created me unique. There is no one else on the earth that has my eyes, hair, smile, heart or mind! You made me in your image. I'm am your precious child. Lord, help me to see me as you see me. Help me Lord to change my thought process and attitude toward myself. Help me to see the beauty of ME!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

January 14th Is Not Just Any Day!

2009-01-14T06:20:00.007-06:00
January 14, 1992 is a day I will never forget. It's the day that I truly learned what love is, it's the day that I gave birth to Tommy.

Of everything that I have done in my life, being his mom rates right up there at the top! I prayed for years that God would bless me with a child, and when I say bless, that is what He did!

As I sit here this morning, thinking back over the past 17 years, I find myself with a lump in my throat. I can't believe how quickly the time has flown. From his birth, to kindergarten, riding his bike, to playing hockey and then baseball, from elementary school to high school the memories come flooding back.

The lessons learned, Oh not by Tommy, but by me.

You see as I raised Tommy, watching him grow, disciplining him, laughing with him as well as crying with him, God has shown me how much he loves me. And even though there are times when He has to discipline me, he still laughs with me, cries with me and most of all loves me unconditionally.

Thank you God for giving me Tommy. He is my greatest joy. Your answer to my many years of praying for a child. Thank you for the many lessons you have taught me through this precious life. Lord today, on his 17th birthday I pray for him. Lord protect him, draw him close to you, keep him pure and Lord help him to know everyday how much he is loved, not just by his mom, but by his heavenly Father.

A Letter To Tommy:
Tommy, Just your name brings a smile to my face.
You are such a special gift from God.
I prayed for you so many years and you are
all my I ever dreamed of in a son.
I want you to know on this your 17th birthday,
that I love you and I am so proud of you.
You have so much to look forward to in your life.
Seek God in all that you do. He will never fail you.
I pray that God will grant you all your dreams,
may he bless you with a life full of more laughter than tears.
And may you always know that above all else,
You are my greatest joy!
Love, Mom

Be Blessed,
Lisa

I Had A "Merry" Christmas!

2008-12-26T07:06:00.010-06:00
Websters Dictionary defines "merry" as....cheerful, joyous, uninhibited of frolic or festivity and high spirits expressed in laughing"!

Christmas was very different for me this year......I truly had a "merry" Christmas!

Usually Christmas means days of stress from baking, shopping for last minute gifts, trying to be perfect, keeping my composure even though it feels like I'm going to lose it at any moment, seeing people that annoy me and having to be nice (fake), even more attempts at perfection, trying to keep my house neat when wrapping paper, boxes, new gifts etc...are strung everywhere, the boys being jacked up on sweets and from the anticipation of the gifts under the tree, guilt from what I ate, what I said, or what I did or didn't do.....it surely doesn't normally feel like "the happiest time of the year".

I didn't feel any, well much of the normal Christmas stress this year. I'd be lying if I said it was "totally stress free", but it was definitely an improvement!

I think it's because it was so short. What I mean by that is since we didn't put up our tree until last Saturday, YES LAST SATURDAY! And I didn't start wrapping gifts until Monday, by Thursday night it was over.....and I laid in bed thinking "now that wasn't too painful"!

I did something last night that I have never done. As Charlie put it, I let my hair down! I had such a great time at his sisters house. All the niece's and nephews were playing some Rock Band game and they had a microphone to sing with the songs. (very much like karaoke!)

You guessed it! I sang! Pat Benetar, "Heart Breaker"! And then Bobby and I sang together "Ramblin Man"! It was so much fun!

It proved a couple of things to me. First, I really don't sing quite as well as I thought! Second, it's fun to have fun, to cut loose, to "let my hair down". I don't ever want to feel or think I am too old to have fun.

I think sometimes, I get so wrapped up in striving for perfection and the guilt of not being perfect or proper that I don't relax enough to have fun.

I told Tommy that I hope I didn't embarrass him too much. He just replied "embarrass me?, I thought it was funny!" I bet this will be one of those memories that we talk about for years and laugh!

That's what it is all about. Taking life one day at a time. Making the most of it, having fun, spending it with people you love and laughing!

God, thank you for yesterday! Thank you that I had fun, I laughed, and I wasn't such a stick in the mud!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones."
Proverbs 17:22 (KJV)

Heaven The Ultimate Facebook!

2008-12-14T08:27:00.007-06:00
I started a facebook page. I'm new to the concept of "social networking". Well, with the exception of meeting Charlie on the Internet 8 years ago! I guess that is the ultimate in social networking!

I find the whole facebook thing a bit intriguing. The purpose is to keep up with and or find people that I know or have known in the world and ask them to be my friend. Then they either accept me or deny me as a friend.

Oh my gosh! I feel like I'm back in 5th grade! What if someone doesn't want me as their friend? I can see myself thinking "why don't they want to be my friend", "what's wrong with me", or "what's wrong with them"?!

Lisa stop being so blasted insecure! It is fun to connect with people from my past. Seeing where they are, what they are doing, how their kids have grown, how much weight they've gained! haha I know that was ugly!

I can only imagine how it will be in heaven. Seeing people that I've known in the past that have influenced me as well as seeing people that I have influenced.

I guess Heaven will be the ultimate "facebook". Continually connecting with loved ones, old friends and even people that I have forgotten. And the best part is.....EVERYONE will be my friend!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Why Do I Eat? To Keep From Getting Hungry!

2008-12-08T19:40:00.008-06:00
Good evening from snowy Denver Colorado. This is why I truly love coming to Colorado once a month. I am sitting here watching snow blanket the roof tops, trees, roads and grass. It's just beautiful and this Texas girl is loving it!

The best part about Denver snow is that tomorrow the roads will be drivable! They already have snow plows out. They don't have snow plows in Fort Worth! At home if I was watching the same snowfall, the news reporters would be having a hay day, panicking everyone that they need to "stock up" on non-perishable food items, drinking water, etc..etc..and the school districts would already be closing down school for tomorrow! Basically the city would come to a complete halt!

Knowing that the snow was coming made me want to "stock up" my hotel room. It made me want to, but I didn't. I kept thinking, "what would I stock up my room with"? Why do I have this feeling? What am I afraid of? Why do I feel like I need to have some sort of food always available to me?

Then it dawned on me, I'm afraid of getting hungry. I don't want to get hungry. What if I'm in my hotel room and I get hungry? I would have to bundle up and drive through the snow to get something to eat or I might "die of hunger".

As I thought about this fear that I have, it dawned on me that I live my life "afraid of getting hungry". That's why I eat a snack before going to bed. Not because I'm hungry, but because I want to be sure that I won't wake up in the middle of the night hungry.

So tonight my thought process went like this. I'm going to go get something to eat before the roads get too bad (a natural response from years of hearing weather men claim that the end is near when a little snow falls). Then I grabbed a banana in the hotel lobby to make sure if I get hungry before bed I will not "go hungry". And then of course the hotel serves breakfast in the morning starting at 6 a.m. So I had my next meal or two totally planned out.

This may seem very weird to you, but I'm finding it fascinating. Not in a wonderful, spectacular kind of way, but in a neurotic, psychotic kind of way!

Where did I get this fear of getting hungry? The more I think about it, the more I am realizing that most times when I eat, I'm not eating from hunger, but to prevent the possibility of feeling hungry or even worse going hungry.

I've joked all my life that I eat to keep from getting hungry! I've always thought that was funny. But I'm not laughing now. I'm thinking about the years I have lived this way. And I'm thinking how can I change this? It's a life long behavior, or even worse, it's an automatic response.

If I want to get healthy, I've got to let go of this fear of being hungry. I've got to get to a point where feeling hungry is positive. It means I need to eat, thats all, not that I'm going to perish!

Lord, help me as I work through these feelings. Thank you for helping me to see this area that I need to give to you. Lord, some of this must be a trust issue. Do I trust you that you are going to supply all my needs, including my next meal? Lord you always do, why do I live afraid of not having another meal, or getting hungry? Help me Lord to see that feeling my stomach rumble is not bad, it's good, it means I'm "really" hungry, and that I need to eat.

Father, help me NOT to eat when I'm NOT hungry. Show me Lord other things that I can do that will get my mind off of eating and off of my stomach! Fill me Lord with your love. Help me to know the difference between the emptiness that I feel at times in my heart and the emptiness that I feel in my stomach, and help me not to confuse the two!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.
John 6:35

"Where's Christmas"?

2008-12-06T06:47:00.006-06:00
If you walked in my house you would probably ask "where's Christmas"? Nineteen days until Christmas and I still don't have my tree or decorations up. This is unusual for me. Normally I have all that stuff up the weekend after Thanksgiving. But we were gone last weekend and this weekend we are painting, preparing for new flooring to be put in the downstairs.

So the woman who hates her "nest" to be a mess is fixing to be right smack dab in the middle of a huge one. I am up early looking around and thinking of all that we have to do. I know when we are done it will be beautiful. There is nothing better than fresh paint and flooring. But until then, let the disaster begin!

So I have less than three weeks until Christmas and I won't be home to put up the decorations until next week so that will be two weeks. It doesn't really feel like Christmas. I think some of that is because I'm not planning on baking the wonderful cookies, pies, cakes, etc...that I normally bake. Or maybe I will just scale down a little haha no pun intended!

I haven't weighed in over a week, that's not good. It usually indicates that I am "avoiding" the scales because I know it will be depressing. I know I have been eating too much of the wrong things. Why is it so hard to stay committed to a healthy lifestyle?

I feel like I am off track with my original goal of losing 100 pounds as I blog my journey. I just went back and read some of my original posts. It was good to remember why I started my blog and what I wanted to accomplish. It has grown from being just a "weight loss journal" to a "life journey journal".

Never the less I need to get back on track with eating healthy and exercising. But to be honest I don't want to do it now. I want to wait until January 1st. There is something special about starting or restarting over on the 1st of January.

It feels like a new fresh slate. It's a time of reflection over the past year and a time of looking forward to the new year to come.

So I'm not going to be extreme either way for the next three weeks by being legalistic with my healthy eating or just throwing caution to the wind and pigging out. I'm going to make healthy choices and exercise more than never (which will be an improvement over the pasts few weeks!) and see where I am on January 1st. Then "game on" again!

Thank you God for moderation! You never intended me to be legalistic in any area of my life. Lord I pray through this holiday season that I won't concentrate on the mess of my house, or the food, or the lack of money and presents under the tree. I pray Lord that I will focus on You. Focus on my relationship with You and what Your birth means to me.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

A Funeral Brings About A Time Of Reflection....

2008-12-03T19:37:00.007-06:00
Rudy Giuliani wrote in his book "Leadership" that it's easy to go to weddings, but it shows how much you care when you go to "funerals" of your employees or their family members. He had more than his fair share of funerals to attend after September 11, 2001.

I read his book shortly after I became a manager and promised myself that when it was possible I would always be at the funerals of my employees or their close family members.

Today I attended the funeral of one of my sales reps sister.

This funeral hit me hard for several reasons. She was 36 (10 years younger than me) and she died from an overdose of prescription medicine. That has been a fear that I have lived with my whole life. The call, that one of my siblings or parents have died unexpectedly.

The service was very nice, many people stood and spoke about her and how special she was and how their lives will not be the same without her.

Going to a funeral definitely forces me to reflect about my life and what I'm doing with my life. Who I'm touching with my life, what legacy am I leaving with my life? All good questions.

Life is so short. I watched my sales rep as she stood up and spoke about her younger sister. The good times and the bad, the happy and sad, ending by saying she and her sister were best friends.

It got me thinking about my family. My brothers and sister as well as my parents. I've been blessed that I have not had to stand over the casket of my siblings or parents. But what am I doing today to make sure they know what they mean to me? What do I do everyday to let Charlie, Tommy and Bobby know how special they are to me?

I keep thinking, did she know she was going to die? Was it on purpose or accident? I've known people that knew they were going to die, either by a sickness or suicide and they always seem to make sure that everyone knows how much they love them.

Isn't that really what is important in life? Isn't that what God created me for? To love others, to show others His love?

Lord, my heart breaks for my sales rep tonight. Please be with her and her family. As I watched her parents raise their hands in praise to you during the funeral, I thought to myself that only through your strength and peace could that happen.It brought tears to my eyes. What a witness they were today in the midst of their incredible grief. Thank you Lord that the family has You as their foundation.

Lord, you know my fears about my family members. About getting the call, and about not being able to either say goodbye or them not knowing how much they mean to me. Lord I pray that you will show me how to let everyone in my life know what they mean to me. Help me to make time to spend quality time with my family members. Help me to reach out to the friends and family that are distant from me.

Thank you for funerals Lord. They are absolutely no fun, but Lord, attending a funeral helps me to appreciate all that I have and all who I love.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

My Thankful Heart Entry
1. I'm thankful for Charlie
2. I'm thankful for Tommy
3. I'm thankful for Bobby
4. I'm thankful for my Mom
5. I'm thankful for my Dad
6. I'm thankful for my Step Mom
7. I'm thankful for my Sister Beth
8. I'm thankful for my Brother Mike
9. I'm thankful for my Brother Stephen
10. I'm thankful for my niece Lauren
11. I'm thankful for my Father-In-Law Tom
12. I'm thankful for my Sister-In Law Marcella
13. I'm thankful for my nieces and nephew on Charlie's side
14. I'm thankful for my other In-Laws/Out Laws...Susie, Joe, John and Katie!

I love you all!

Rainy Days And Mondays!

2008-12-01T20:22:00.006-06:00
Have you ever heard the song lyrics "rainy days and Mondays always get me down"? I think it was a Karen Carpenter song. Wow, I'm dating myself!

Well, rainy days don't get me down. I actually like rainy days! Now Mondays, that's another story. Especially when the Monday comes after a week off from work.

I have to admit that I was moderately depressed today as I went back to work. Maybe even more than moderate. If I am honest I was in full blown depression. The piles on my desks, emails needing to be answered, phone calls to make, fires to put out, sales reps to get back in line and on and on and on! It was all a bit overwhelming.

I noticed that around three p.m. the "funk" I was in started to lift. I could see my desk top. My piles were becoming neat and orderly! I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I still have this subtle nagging feeling of dread? Where has this feeling come from and how long til it leaves?

I'm starting to wonder if I might have job burn out? My days seem like an endless circle. I hire, I train, I promote, then I start all over again and hire more, train more and promote more. The only way I can describe my job is this....imagine if I told you that you have five 18 year olds that you have raised and they are leaving the nest. In the same day you found out that you were pregnant with 5 more? That pretty much describes my job. Although it doesn't take 18 years to get the sales reps I hire out of the "nest", it takes sometimes less than a year.

Please don't take my frustrations with my job to be a lack of thankfulness. I'm very thankful for my job. I work for a good company and the satisfaction that I get from hiring people and training them and seeing them be promoted is amazing. It's just wearing on me right now.

So I'm asking myself tonight what I need to do to change my attitude? How do I go from feeling funk to crunk? Haha, that's teen talk!

Lord, help me tonight to value my job, to be grateful that I'm working. Help me Lord to see what I do as a wonderful way of impacting people's lives. Lord, I thank you for today. Thank you for helping me wade through the mess on my desk and in my email in box. Lord help me as I seem to be constantly counting down the days until I'm on vacation again. Help me to stop and enjoy the day I'm in and not look forward to the future while wasting my present.

Lord help me to put my hope in you, and you alone. Not in my job, not in my future, not in my husband and children. Lord everything I do, everything I have and everything I am is because of you and for you. I love you Lord.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

My Thankful Heart Entry
1. I'm thankful for my brothers and sister.
2. I'm thankful for Thanksgiving leftovers.
3. I'm thankful for the internet and my blog.
4. I'm thankful for jeans that I found in the back of my closet that are a size smaller and fit me perfectly!
5. I'm thankful for a good nights rest!

Going From The Sidelines To Being In "The Game"!

2008-11-30T18:50:00.015-06:00
We just got home from a weekend at Lubbock. We had a great time! I wanted to share some pictures with you!

Charlie, Tommy and Andrew on the Jones AT&T Field at Texas Tech!

Walking down to the field! They were so excited! Yes, even Charlie!
Tommy, Andrew and Me!
My Favorite!
We had a great time! Something that I noticed was a definite change in ME! I'm not sure when this happened, but I went from living on the sidelines to being in the game.

Let me explain. The game on Saturday was so bitterly cold I couldn't feel my toes at the end of the day! Before, I would've made an excuse and gone back to the hotel to "be warm". But this weekend, I stayed, I didn't want to miss anything!

That is a good change in my opinion. I don't know how many things I've missed by "escaping" to the sidelines, but not any more. I want to be involved, I want to have fun, even if it means being cold, wet, tired or whatever.

Thank you God for the endurance you gave me this weekend. Thank you that I "stayed". That I have wonderful memories of this weekend. Laughs, jokes, stories shared and memories made. We'll always have the "remember that time we went to Tech when they played Baylor and it was freezing cold and......"

Thank you Lord for my week off. I really enjoyed myself and I feel less stressed and ready to go back to work, at least for 3 weeks before I am off again! Help me during this holiday season to focus on you and my family. To not stress over work, or money, presents or false pretenses, I just want to be me.

Be Blessed,

Lisa

My Thankful Heart Entry
1. I'm thankful for the fire I'm sitting in front of right now!
2. I'm thankful for quiet time alone with Charlie.
3. I'm thankful for happy memories.
4. I'm thankful that I have a job to go to tomorrow.
5. I'm thankful for Angela, my friend, the angel that cleans my house.

Why Are Holidays So Hard?

2008-11-27T21:18:00.006-06:00
Aaaahhhh Thanksgiving! Where turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, and family dysfunction are all abundant! It's the day known as the beginning of the "holiday season". It can bring a plethora of emotions to the surface. Stress, worry, hurry, food, family, all the trappings of the holiday season.

I has been a pretty good day. It started out a bit rough. Note to self, don't pay bills on the morning of a holiday. It causes undue stress!

After that epiphany, my day did improve. However, it still didn't meet all my hearts desires for Thanksgiving day. We ended up going over to Charlie's sisters house with her family and Charlie's dad.

It was nice, the food was great, but I still felt out of place. I'm not sure why, but something was missing, I think it was my family. We did go have a dinner with my dad and Jann this week and had a wonderful time. We also spent a nice evening with my mom. So I did have some time with my parents this week.

But I wish I could have my whole family together. Oh my gosh, I'm struggling from symptoms of adult child of divorce syndrome again. It rears it's ugly head periodically. Usually out of no where. And here it is. I'm longing for my family, all of my family, mom and dad, brothers and sister, husband and children, all together coming over to my house when I fix a big meal and everyone is happy and enjoys the day.

No, I have not been drinking spiked eggnog today! I know I sound like I'm asking for a Leave It To Beaver episode, and maybe I am.

The truth is, that it is not going to happen. No matter how much I wish it could it can't. It makes me sad. It still hurts. And I don't usually let it get me down like I am tonight.

Why are the holidays so hard? Why do they always bring up these "random" emotions. Emotions that I don't feel any other time of the year.

God, you know my heart. You know what was missing today. Father, this day is about family. I was around some family, but I still feel empty. Lord, when I feel empty like this the only place I can go is to you. I've tried the pumpkin pie and it's not filling the emptiness. Lord, please fill me up with your Holy Spirit, Lord with Your love and peace.

Help me Lord to cherish each day for what it is. The reality of the day, not my hopes or dreams of what I wish it was. Heal my hurts. Give me peace. Heal my broken heart, Lord.

Help me to once and for all get over my broken family. Help me to love each member the best that I can. Help me to show them Your love and forgiveness. Lord, thank you for this day. Thank you for a day where I can reflect on how You have blessed me and sustained my family and me this past year.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

A Thankful Heart

1. I'm thankful that when Charlie and I fight, it's not as loud or long as it used to be.
2. I'm thankful that Charlie's dad is still with us (I miss his mom so much)
3. I'm thankful for spenda!
4. I'm thankful for some peace and quiet after a day of noise.
5. I'm thankful that I'm an American. I am blessed.

The Call

2008-11-26T10:23:00.007-06:00
My cell phone rang yesterday morning at 9:45. It was Tommy's ring tone. I hurried to get off the home phone with my mom to see why he was calling. He started his ride out with the deputy at 9:15. I answered my phone and all I hear is...."Mom, this is so awesome" "I'm having so much fun"! "We are at a bank hold up and we had to go 90 miles an hour to get here"!

Now, I had a choice to make at that moment. I could be happy and excited for him and his excitement or I could freak out. I chose excitement! He was having a blast. It didn't matter to him that he had just gone 90 mph in a police car and was in the parking lot where guns where drawn, cocked and ready to fire!

As we talked he told me how they were at a traffic stop, had to leave and go to the bank hold up and then they set up a perimeter! I had to smile...my little boy (young man) is using cop talk!

Thank God that He kept me calm. That He let me rest in the peace that Tommy was in His hands. The bank hold up turned out to be a false alarm (Tommy was a bit disappointed I think!), but my reaction good or bad could have really influenced his day and possibly his life.

I still don't know if he will grow up and continue to want to be a cop, but I know this, I don't want to stand in his way or discourage him in any of his dreams. As a mom, my reaction, even if it is subtle can discourage him or encourage him to do or not do many things.

Bottom line....Tommy had a blast. He couldn't quit talking about it. That is exactly want the most for him in life. That is what I want for both boys....to go through life enjoying themselves.

The best part of yesterday was the fact that he called me! Yes, he called me first! He didn't text one of his friends, or call them. He called me. He wanted to share his fun with me. I know that in the near future I won't be the first person he calls when something cool happens. But it felt really good that he did this once.

Thank you God that you blessed me with Tommy. I pray that you will continue to keep our relationship close. I thank you that he still wants to share things with me. Lord I pray that you will keep your guardian angels around him, now and in the future, no matter what he does. Help me Lord to be the mom that he needs at this particular time in his life. But Lord, more important than our relationship, I pray that you will continue to keep him close to you.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

A Thankful Heart Entry

1. I'm thankful for pto (personal time off).
2. I'm thankful for my home. I am so blessed.
3. I'm thankful for special times with my family.
4. I'm thankful for Kincaids (they have the best hamburgers in Ft. Worth)
5. I'm thankful I can read. I love good books!

From A Garbage Man To A Cop!

2008-11-25T08:18:00.009-06:00
Tommy says he thinks he wants to go into law enforcement. Today he is doing a ride out with a sheriff's deputy in Johnson County. He was so excited when he left this morning. I, on the other hand have some "mom" worries going on!

It's funny, as I've watched him grow from a little boy into a young man how many times he has changed his mind about what he wants to be "when he grows up"!

I remember when he was three years old, he would hear a garbage truck go down the street and proudly tell me how he wanted to be a garbage man! I told him "If you want to be a garbage man, then you be the best garbage man he can be"!

Then when he was about 8 or 9, he decided he wanted to be an astronaut and fly to Mars. I said "that's great, but I'm not sure how I will handle you going to Mars, when the thought of you leaving and going away to college makes me really sad"! I got the proverbial "Oh, Mom"!

By the time he was 12 he wanted to be an engineer and build things. However, once he figured out how much math and science were involved he backed off that idea!

The most recent was a high school coach as well as broadcasting (I guess since Charlie is in broadcasting he had to feel that out!)

I need to clarify one thing at this time. These are all careers that he is considering IF he doesn't get drafted into the Pro's! (which has been his dream all his life!)

But, now it's a cop! I have mixed emotions about that career choice as you might imagine. This morning, I have spent time in prayer for him and his safety. But more than his safety I am praying that God will direct him in the way that God wants him to go. I know that God has a wonderful plan for my son and I pray that Tommy will listen to God and follow his direction. I know I wish I would have listened better!

Oh, the heart aches and pain, (and marriages!) I could have avoided if I had just been obedient and listened to God. It's sad to think how many years I wasted thinking "I knew better than God".

So my prayer for Tommy is that he will walk in God's will, become what God wants him to be, and marry who Gods has planned for him. As a mom, I pray that he will be able to avoid some of the hurts and pain that my stubbornness caused me.

As I sit here thinking about my life, and the path that it took, I am amazed how God took my "altered" path and still turned my life into what it is today. I am so blessed! I might have taken the long and rocky path, but I believe I ended up being what God had initially intended for me to be.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

PS....My challenge today from my Bible Study is to start a "Thanksgiving Journal". That is a place where I write at least 5 things I'm grateful for every day. I've decided that I'll use my blog as my place to journal, so every time I blog, I'll end it with "A Thankful Heart" entry.

My Thankful Heart:

1. I am thankful for God, that He is a personal God, a God that loved me enough to send Jesus to save me. A God that cares about the details of my life.
2. I am thankful for Charlie and my marriage. I have been married three other times and I see how God brought Charlie and me together and how He has his hand on our marriage.
3. I am thankful for Tommy, he is my greatest joy.
4. I am thankful for Bobby, he is a wonderful blessing in my life plus my bonus son!
5. I am thankful for my health.

What Memories Am I Making Today?

2008-11-24T07:57:00.007-06:00
Have you ever thought that every day you are making memories? Even today, even this moment!

Saturday night, Tommy had two girls come over to watch the Texas Tech/OU massacre. One of the girls is just a really good friend of Tommy's. They have been friends for years. The other girl is a sporadic 'girlfriend" of Tommy's. Currently they are "just friends"! (or so they say!)

Anyway, I digress....Tommy got so frustrated watching the football game that he decided that we should "all" play card games. I was so excited because they needed a fourth player and he asked ME!

Sitting their, partnered up with Tommy, beating the girls, giving high fives with each other was amazing. We laughed and teased and had a wonderful time. It was one of those nights that will forever be in my memory bank. I knew at the time that it was special. I'm trying to savor times like that, because in a couple of years Tommy will be at college and I will be left with my memories!

As I started thinking about memories and the Thanksgiving holiday this morning, I was reminded of Thanksgiving's when I was a child.

My typical Thanksgiving included a long car ride from Norman, OK to St. Louis MO. (about 9 hours). Mom and Dad in the front seat, Mike and me in the backseat with "Princess" my dog on the floor board. This was "back in the day" when we didn't wear seat belts, the most common line coming from the front seat was dad saying "I'm going to turn this car around if you don't straighten up", mom saying "we will never do this again" and then both of them saying "Lisa you look out one window and Mike you look out the other"! And so we drove on in silence, until one of us couldn't take it anymore and started messing with the other one again! And then the threats from the front seat would start all over!

I always knew we were getting close when I saw the highway surrounded by rock (cut out by dynamite) and the snow starting to fall. It always seemed to snow on us as we traveled to St. Louis.

When we arrived at my Grandmothers house it always smelled the same, like "old" people and "good" food! My dad always went to the bakery to buy "baked goods", including sweet rolls, peanut coffee cake and donuts. Aaahhh, I ate until I was stuffed! Never a thought about calories at that age!

After stuffing myself on the baked goods (almost sounds healthy doesn't it?) I always settled down to watch the Macy's Day Parade. I loved that parade! The bands and balloons and at the end of the parade came Santa! Then cousins, aunts and uncles would all show up and we'd have a great time playing in my Grandmother's basement!

It's funny how my Thanksgiving day as an adult takes on a different look. It's not the carefree day I remember as a child. Maybe that's because I'm the adult! Calories do count!

My goal this week is to make "new and happy" memories. Memories that I can look back on and smile in a few years. Time spent with Charlie and Tommy, dinner's with my mom, dad and step mom (not all together mind you!). Then my time with Charlie's family. I want to cherish the time, not worry if my mashed potatoes are "perfect" or if "I'm still fat this year".

I have so much to be grateful for.....Today, I'm grateful for the people that made such a difference in my life that have gone on to be with Jesus. My grandmother, great-grandmother, granny and pappy, as well as my mother-in-law.

I wonder what they would say to me if they sat down with me this morning. I bet it would go something like this "cherish today, because you don't know what tomorrow will bring"!

Thank you Lord for memories. Thank you for the people that were in my life that have gone on to be with you. Lord I pray that you will help me slow down this week. Help me not to worry about things being "perfect". Help me to concentrate on the people in my life, new and old, and cherish the time we have together.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

How Often Do I Really Talk To God?

2008-11-22T08:33:00.005-06:00
Do you talk to God at all? When you do what do you talk about? Those were the questions that I read this morning during my quiet time.

My answer unfortunately today is not very often. Oh, it's not that I don't get up early to spend time with Him. I do, I read my Bible and do my Bible Study, looking for a "message" from God. You know the sentences that just jump off the page and you know it came directly from God.

But then, more times than not, I get up and get on with my day. The only consistent time that I pray now is when Tommy is driving somewhere. And then I am very faithful!

I feel like I am missing out on a very important part of my relationship with God. No matter whether a relationship has one or the other person communicating, if both aren't sharing the relationship is lop sided. That's how my relationship with God is today.

Sharing my hurts, concerns, joys, thankfulness, worries as well as interceding for others has all gone by the wayside since I have become so busy with life. I always say to myself, "I'll just pray while I drive". Then I turn on the radio and forget.

Not only am I missing out sharing my heart with God, I'm also missing out on hearing from Him. The best time to hear from God is not just when I read my Bible, it's when I sit before Him quiet listening for His still small voice.

God, I am so sorry that I have been too busy to stop and spend "quality" time with You. I can't understand why I don't slow down enough just to share my heart with you, to sit quietly and listen FOR YOU. Surely if I can take the time to blog, I can take the time to talk to You. Lord forgive me and help me to yearn for You. To take the time to make our relationship the most important in my life.

Lord, as I begin the holiday season this week, I pray that you will make yourself real to me. Help me to be "thankful" for all the blessings you have given to me and my family.

As I move from Thanksgiving to Christmas, Lord instill in me the keen awareness that Christmas is about Jesus and his birth. That the holidays are so much more than lots of food and presents. It's about taking time to spend with You and the family and friends that you have blessed me with, as well as reflecting on the year, being grateful for all that you have done, including sending Jesus for my salvation.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

I Weighed In Today....Ouch!

2008-11-20T06:13:00.009-06:00
If you have been following my blog for any period of time you know that I started this blog as a written journal of my goal to lose 100 pounds. I haven't written about my weigh-ins much lately! Guess why? You got it, I haven't been losing.

The First Place class that I taught this fall is over. I had such a hard time this session. For now I'll blame it on traveling 8 out of 10 weeks. It is really hard to eat healthy when I travel. That is really just an excuse though. The real reason I haven't been losing is that I stopped writing down what I ate and I stopped exercising. (calories in - calories out = weight loss gain/loss). It's an easy formula, one that acutally works!

My life is really busy. I have to find a way to balance my work life, home life as well as my goal to be healthly. I'm not sure if I'm going to teach First Place again in the near future. Right now I really need to concentrate on me. Getting me to a place where I am back on track, exercising, eating healthy and moving toward my goal again.

I joined Weight Watchers online this morning. I have used that program before and like it a lot. It's easy and convenient. I don't do meetings because of my schedule, plus I just don't like meetings! That's the introvert coming out in me!

However, I will need accountability, so my blog and yes "You" will be my accountability partner. I hope that you will check in on my blog regularly to see how I am doing. Feel free to leave comments including yummy healthy recipes you've tried or words of encouragement. Who knows maybe you will encourage someone else!

I weighed this morning and I am still down 24 pounds from where I started back in May. Yes, that means I gained 6 back in the last 12 weeks. I'm not pleased about that, but "it is what it is"!

I'm looking forward to getting back on a program. I feel better emotionally when my eating is documented and "in control". There is so much guilt and anxiety when I am eating junk and eating out of control.

But this is not totally about my weight loss goal. It's about my goal to be a balanced woman. Physically yes, but also emotionally, spiritually and mentally. So I will be starting the First Place Bible Study entitled "Light and Healthy Holidays". I'll be sharing with you what God is doing in my life through this Bible Study as well.

So here I am, starting over again. Gosh that sounds like really good opening line for a Country and Western song doesn't it?

The first thing I will do today is make a menu and a grocery list and get some good healthy food back in this house! Then I plan on taking a shower and going to work with a smile on my face! After yesterday, that's a good place to start!

God, I give you this day! I thank you that you are a God of new beginnings, fresh starts. Lord, help me as I start with my new plan. Lord you know my goals and my dreams. I pray that you will make a way for them to come to fruition. Father, you are my all. I love you with all my heart. Remind me today that I cannot do anything without you. Patience, I don't have it, but you do! Love, I don't have, but you can love through me. And Lord, strength, the strength I will need to do everything I have to do and stay balanced will only come through You and Your power. Remind me Lord to tap into that power every minute of this day!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

It's Not Always Black and White.....

2008-11-19T16:40:00.009-06:00
I hate corporate America. It's makes me crazy when people that work at corporate offices sit in their plush chairs isolated in their crystal palace offices and lose all logic and common sense.

Let me just go off for a moment please! I have seen this with the company that I work for so many times. Some times it is directed at me and I get screwed. Unfortunately, I've become so accustomed to it that it doesn't bother me much anymore, as I say to my sales reps "it is what it is"!

However, when I see home office screw someone that works for me then I become irate. I just got done telling Charlie that it's a good thing that I don't work at the corporate office because I would walk into a certain department and tell them to pull their heads out and then start throwing things. He just smiled at me and said "anger management"!

Nice! It isn't anger management when it's resisting assault! Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but I do take it very hard when I see injustices.

I know with the economy being as bad as it is, I should be grateful that I have a job. And believe me I am grateful. I know there are many people out there that don't have jobs, and can't find a job or are taking jobs where they are terribly over qualified and under paid.

I'm reminded me of the scripture that tells me to "vengeance is mine says the Lord". Okay, I'll leave the vengeance to God, but I'd like to give him my two scents on how he should get the revenge!

Wow, I'm feeling very volatile today! I think I will spend some time tonight praying. That's the only place I can go with this issue.

Before I go pray and give this to God, I have one thing to say to corporate America.

There is more than black and white out here in the real world. Some times you need to find answers that come in a lovely shade of gray!

There, now I feel better!

Be Blessed!
Lisa

God's Timing Isn't My Timing!

2008-11-18T18:31:00.007-06:00
Today did not go anything like I had hoped, but it was a day where I could see God working every moment. Every appointment I was planning on was put off ! So as usual God's timing isn't my timing!

Even still, I am resting in the peace that God knows the task that I am working toward. He knows my timeline and He is in control. I should've known with God, He is never early, never late, always right on time, sometimes it feels like in "the nick of time"!

I'm amazed that I wasn't upset. Oh, at first when my sales rep sat down, I asked her what appointments we had lined up, and she said that everything had been put off until later this week, I did feel a bit nauseous! You know the sick, panicked, flushed, might throw up feeling?

But just like I asked God to do...He reminded me that it's okay, He's in control! Whether or not I get the bonus and whether or not I win the trip to Hawaii is irrelevant. You see my "dad" (my heavenly father) OWNS IT ALL! And He's not afraid to share!

So He can give me a "bonus" any day, and He can give me a trip any day! How freeing is that? I don't have to worry. He asks one thing from me...to do EVERYTHING as if I were doing it for Him. And that is what I have done this year. There have been times when things at work were unfair, when I got mad, felt taken advantage of or not appreciated. It's all irrelevant! Because God saw it all. And if He's pleased that's all that matters!

So, as I blogged this morning, I will praise God tonight even though nothing turned out today like I thought it was going to.....Well that is unless I count the Margarita!

Be Blessed!
Lisa

It's A Big Day!

2008-11-18T07:54:00.005-06:00
Today is a big day in my year! All of my hard work this year comes down to one day.

As a sales manager, my team has different tasks. If I make these tasks I get bonuses, and the possibility of winning a trip to Hawaii. Personally the bonuses and possible trip to Hawaii are really nice, but the satisfaction of a job completed, a tasks met is the best!

Okay, the money and trip to Hawaii are a close second!

I have several appointments today with my sales rep in San Antonio. These appointments will help me get close to or possibly reach the last task that I am working towards. So like I said to begin with, "it's a big day"!

This won't be a day where I can say "I" did good, or even "We" did good. This is a day that God is going to have to intervene and work everything out. I have to trust him that no matter what the outcome, I will say "it is good"! And more importantly "God is good".

As I prayed this morning (actually it was borderline begging!) God brought me to a scripture that made me smile!

Jesus said "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would." Matthew 8:13

Thank you God that you know the desire of my heart. Lord You know how very hard I have worked this year. Lord, I pray if it be your will that you will open the doors today that need to be opened, that you will give favor to me and my sales reps. Father I know that you are in control and this is totally out of my control. Give me peace as I go through the day. Help me to continually remember that "You are in control"!

I love you and I praise you no matter what happens. I will praise you if I meet my task and I will praise you if I don't. Lord, I know that you only want whats good for me, and that whatever happens you are teaching me and growing me to become more like You!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

What's That Smell?

2008-11-15T17:25:00.009-06:00
Have you ever opened your refrigerator door and been hit with an awful odor? What's that smell?

Well, it happened to me yesterday when I got home from my trip. My first thought was, Oh my gosh, there's something rotten in there? Or did something die under my refrigerator?

I started throwing things out. The pizza box, with week old pizza in it...gone, the broccoli not sure how old it was.....gone, anything else that didn't have an expiration date on it and several things that did....all gone! Then I took all the drawers out to scrub with a "lemon" scented cleaner. Anything to get that smell out of my house!

Unfortunately, that's how I feel my life is right now. It stinks! I know, that's not nice, I'm being hard on myself! But it's true, that's how I feel. And my life, like my refrigerator has "stinky" stuff that needs to be cleaned out!

Worry, now that's something that is definitely stinking up my life. Finances, health, husband, sons, college, work, you name it I can work up a reason "real or not" to worry. Worry makes me feel like I am actually doing something about the problem. I'm in control, I'll work it all out. No wonder it makes me depressed and tired!

Stress, that's another area in my life that needs to be cleaned up, or thrown out. I live my life going 90 miles an hour. Even when I stop and try to "rest" I'm still thinking "I have so much to do".

This morning it was time to clean out all my emotional "old, rotten, modly stuff". All the junk that has built up inside of me the past few weeks and months. Worry, stress, depression, I felt like the walls of my life, were all falling in on me.

It's hard to clean out if you don't have anywhere to dump your "stuff". I'm thankful that Charlie was there for me today. He did exactly what I asked him to do...he just listened. As a man, he sometimes has trouble just listening. Either he wants to help "fix" it, or he defends himself thinking I'm blaming my problems on him.

Not today though...he just sat there as I took every hurt feeling and stressed emotion, that had become rather stinky inside of me and laid it all out for Charlie. I went through every compartment and threw out stuff that had gone bad and when it was all over, my insides were clean! I felt lighter, relief!

I'm so thankful for Charlie. God used him this morning to be the trash can I needed to dump my stuff. He didn't get mad, or defensive. He just listened and when I was done, he just gave me a hug and told me how sorry he was that I was so down.

I'm really looking forward to the week of Thanksgiving. Not for the food, although I do enjoy Pumpkin Pie! Not for the family time, mine can be rather dysfunctional! I'm looking forward to the time off from work. No worries, just rest, spending time with God, Tommy and Charlie, thankful that my life is as blessed as it is and that when the week is over hopefully I will be rejuvenated and ready to hit it again for a while! At least until I'm off for Christmas!

Father, thank you that you brought me to a point where I could unpack all my hurts, worries and stresses. Lord, I'm sorry that I have been distant from you lately. Help me as I walk every week, every day with you. Give me your eyes and heart Lord, help me to see things as you see them. Help me Lord to feel you and see you working in my life.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

I've Been Brainwashed....

2008-11-12T08:01:00.007-06:00
I've lived my entire life believing the lies of the devil. I've been brainwashed.

During the last couple of days I've had time to really think about where I am emotionally, why I am so discouraged and why I seem to be sabotaging my journey to a healthy body, spirit, mind and soul.

As I look back over my life I think of all the people that Satan has used to brainwash me. Oh, he's sneaky, he's been working on me for 40 something years.

He has used people to say the ugliest things to me and then I BELIEVED THEM! Statements like, "you are ugly", "fat", "worthless", "you'll never amount to anything", "you'll be fat your whole life", "you will never succeed", "you're not athletic or coordinated", "face it, you are old", "no one will ever want you", "you're not good enough", "what a loser".

That's just the tip of the ice burg of negative, ugly things that run through my mind on a regular basis. No wonder I sabotage myself when I start to succeed. No wonder when Charlie says "hi sexy" I automatically think, "I wish he wouldn't say that, I'm not sexy".

What would my life look like if I changed the tape? The recordings that run through my mind every minute and every second of every day. What would I look like?

These thoughts and comments that have bombarded me for my life started when I was a child. I specifically remember two boys saying "I don't like you because you have buck teeth" and another in my teens that said "I heard you are so fat that you waddle when you walk". Those statements were made to me 30+ years ago and I still carry them with me. I also remember their names!

Wow, now that's some heavy baggage I've been carrying with me! No wonder I'm tired all the time! It's time to leave these "thoughts and comments" that have been planted in my mind, heart and soul and replace them with THE TRUTH.

First of all, I don't have buck teeth anymore (braces are a good thing!). Second, I am beautiful in the God's eyes. He sees my beauty inside and out. He sees my potential not my past. He loved me enough to save me from eternity in hell.

Yes, I am over weight. But if I see myself not as a fat pig, but as a caterpillar in a cocoon that is waiting to burst on the scene as a beautiful butterfly then my whole perspective is different.

I have lived my life believing these lies. And today it stops.

This is going to take time and work. Time to realize when I have a negative self defeating thought to exchange it with a positive Truth.

The truth today and for my future is this.....I AM beautiful, I AM loved, I AM successful, I DON"T have to be fat my whole life, I CAN be athletic and coordinated, and SOMEONE DOES want me. And HIS NAME IS JESUS!

Lord, help me to see me as YOU see me. Remind me Lord that I have to erase the negative thoughts that have been planted in my mind for decades and replace them with YOUR TRUTH. Help me Lord and prompt me to "renew my mind".

As "Lisa" thinks in her heart so is she....Proverbs 23:7

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Am I Just Not Listening?

2008-11-09T08:42:00.011-06:00
Do you ever get depressed and don't know why?

That's how I feel this morning. I don't feel like going to church. I'm discouraged and I don't want to talk to anyone. I thought about emailing someone, but really don't want to get into it trying to figure out why I'm blue. It's easier for me to blog about it, because then no one talks back! I don't have to go into any explanation or end up being psychoanalyzed by someone else.

It seems like my life is just passing me by. Am I really making a difference? Is God using me? I don't feel like it right now. I feel like maybe I missed it when God told me to be a witness of what He is doing in my life. Did I misunderstand when I thought God was telling me to teach, to minister, even to blog. Maybe this was the wrong time, or maybe it was the wrong way. I'm not sure.

Why doesn't God make himself clear? Or does he, and I'm just not listening?

God, I hate being depressed. I hate feeling stressed. I need some time, time to do NOTHING. Uh Oh, I'm rambling this morning. That's not good. God, help me feel better. Help me not ramble, talk to me, make things clear. All I keep thinking is "where are you God" and what do you want me to do? I thought I had it all figured out. But the results have been less than stellar.

I would think that if God has a plan, and He tells me that plan, then the plan would run smoothly? If not, then it must be me screwing it up. Kind of like the Israelites, God had a plan that would take them 40 days and because of their rebellion it took them 40 years.

I have not been faithful with my commitment to God lately regarding my healthy eating habits or my exercising. Maybe that's why I'm discouraged and depressed? I just keep eating whatever I want without any thought or care. I just think "whatever, I'll start eating healthy again tomorrow". Then tomorrow comes and I do the same thing over and over.

Is that what's wrong with me? I'm not being obedient to God? I'm being rebellious just like the Israelites? Trying to do it my own way and then when it gets bad, I cry out to God "where are you and why is my life such a mess, why have you brought me into the wilderness"?

Rebellion has been a life long problem of mine. I was rebellious as a teenager. I thought I didn't need anyone to run my life, I could make my own decisions. That attitude carried on into my 20's and 30's and now I find it cropping up in my 40's.

My rebellion doesn't feel the same as it did in my teens. Then I was rebellious against my parents. Now I'm rebellious against my Heavenly Father. It shows up when God tells me to do something I really don't want to do. God says....Lisa, eat healthy, exercise, treat the body I gave you with some respect. And I start out faithful, "Okay God, I will do that for you." Then I start thinking I really don't need Gods help. I can do this on my own.

Yikes, that's scary. Living life on my own, making my own decisions. Why would I do that when I have the God of the universe on my side? He is there if I would just go to Him. But I don't. I just get up everyday and do what I want.

By the end of the day, I have eaten what I want, I haven't exercised (I'm just too tired and busy is the excuse I use the most), I have not encouraged anyone, sometimes I didn't even talk to God. Is that why I feel like my life is passing me by? I wake up every day and play defense instead of offense. I'm reactive instead of proactive.

I need to slow down. I need to seek God not just every day, but every moment of every day. Before I make decisions and before I react to whatever is being thrown at me. My life in the foreseeable future is not going to change. So I must.

Oh God, as I type on this keyboard, as I spill my hurts and heart onto my blog I realize that I have not only been rebellious trying to do this on my own, but I have been too busy for You lately.

God, are you waiting on me? Patiently watching as I whirl and twirl trying to keep it all together? Trying to keep all my plates spinning in the air?

What am I doing? I am constantly thinking "what would happen if I lost it"? I try so hard to keep up the appearance of being spiritual and righteousness and having it all together, when in reality sometimes it's an act. I don't want it to be an act. I want it to be natural, not something that I work at, but something that YOU do through me.

Lord, help me to rise out of this pit this morning. Help me to seek You first, each day, in every decision, and every action. Lord I love you and want You to fill me and work through me. I want to minister to others.

I pray that you will use this rebellious child. Take my strong will and break it if you have to, make me what You want me to be.

I give you my heart, my day, my life, my everything. Heal me, restore me and for today, Lord please hold me. I need to feel you, to crawl into your lap and be held.

Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD.
Psalm 25: 4-7

Be Blessed,
Lisa

A Stroke? No Way, She's Younger Than Me?

2008-11-05T06:12:00.009-06:00
Life happens so quickly. I was conducting a conference call with my team when I received a text that took my breath away. I was stunned, I couldn't speak, my sales reps where saying "Lisa are you there?, Did we lose you?" Finally, I said "yes, I'm still here". I concluded the conference call as quickly as possible and then tried to process the text.

The text told me that a friend of mine had a stroke. A stroke? How could she have a stroke? She's younger than me? She has two young babies and a daughter Tommy's age? I just talked to her yesterday morning and she sounded better than she had in months.

As I sat there processing my feelings, I prayed to God. But I didn't even know how to pray. God, help her was about all I could come up with. Help the Dr's God. Finally I just gave up and said God, you know what she needs, please help her, as I placed my head on my desk and cried.

About three hours later I answered the phone in my office and it was her! The relief that I felt at just hearing her voice was amazing. She said she had a "mild" stroke. Apparently she has a lot of "junk" in her veins and will have to back off the Mexican Food! She has also been under a ton of stress lately. Her doctors are telling her she needs to relax.

After we hung up, I prayed again. This time my prayer came easier. Thank you Lord for your goodness. Thank you Lord for subtle and sometimes not so subtle reminders that we need to eat better and "relax". Lord thank you that you were with my friend when this happened. That she was not driving, or with her small children. Lord I pray that you will help her to rest. Lord help me as her friend to know how to help her, to be there for her as she recovers.

Lord, I also thank you for the reminder that life is fragile. It can change in the blink of an eye. Lord, I pray that you will help me to remember that as I go through today. Not to sweat the small stuff. That it really doesn't matter what is going on, You are in control!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

ps...when you pray today, please pray for my friend as she is home from the hospital, but still having trouble speaking.

And The Winner Is.........

2008-11-05T05:33:00.006-06:00
Are you glad the election is over? I am! I didn't realize how addicted I had become to the polls and predictions until this morning. It's finally settled. After months of listening to the radio, watching the news, reading blogs and websites, it's over.

The feelings I have are mixed. The candidate that I voted for lost. Therefore, I am, shall I say it? Yes, a bit depressed. But there is also a feeling of fear, fear of the unknown, fear of what the changes this country has voted for will mean to me, my family, my children and my grandchildren. On the other hand, there is a feeling of peace. Peace that the whole thing is done and now I can go on with my everyday life!

The cries for change and hope in this country have been heard. Unfortunately, I'm not sure this country is ready for the change it will experience in the next four years.

As I sit here this morning, I wonder what the future holds. God reminded me in my Bible Study that I need to keep my eyes firmly planted on Jesus. He is the ultimate authority in my life.

No matter what is going on in this country, in our government, God is still in control. He is a personal God and he will take care of me, my family, children and grand children. He knows the future and he knows the past.

God, as I sit here this morning I thank you that you are in control. You know my heart, my hurts, my fears, my prayers for my country. God I know that you tell me to "not be afraid". I pray Lord that you will give me peace. Help me Lord to keep my eyes on you. Lord I pray that you will help me as I take my life one day at a time. Help me not to worry about next week, how we will pay the bills, or what life will bring. Help me to know and rest in the assurance that You know and You have a plan and that plan is good.

God I pray for this country. I pray that you will keep Your hand on her. This country was founded by Christians. It was founded as "One Nation Under God". Lord, heal the hurts of the people, give our leaders wisdom, yes Lord, even our new President Elect! Lord I pray for the safety of our country that you will protect us.

Words from "God Bless America"

"While the storm clouds gather far across the sea, Let us swear allegiance to a land that's free, Let us all be grateful for a land so fair, As we raise our voices in a solemn prayer. "

God Bless America, Land that I love. Stand beside her, and guide her through the night with a light from above. From the mountains, to the prairies, To the oceans, white with foam God bless America, My home sweet home.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Does God Hurt When I Hurt?

2008-10-29T04:49:00.008-05:00
It was early Monday morning as I drove him to the airport. We both knew that in a few minutes his life would change forever and ultimately so would ours. I told him how much he meant to us and how we would keep in touch. At the security gate I hugged him tight and whispered "I love you, behave yourself". My heart broke as I watched him walk away, and then turn and give me a smile and a wave. Tears filled my eyes as the TSA agent asked me if that was my son. I said "no, but it feels like it, he's my son's best friend".

But my heartache would have to wait, Tommy is hurting, his best friend is moving to Seattle. Isn't it amazing how no matter what is going on in your life, when your child hurts, nothing else matters, not even your own hurt?

Later that day, I was texting with Tommy and asked him how he was doing. He replied "I'm sad". My heart broke again. God, I just want to make his pain go away, "how do I help him, what can I do?"

I wanted to say things like "you'll be okay", "this pain won't last forever", "you'll have a new best friend soon", but it all sounded so trite. When I was 16 and hurting, it always felt like it was the end of the world, like the pain would last forever. Heck, it still does at 46.

Then the question entered my mind. Does God's heart hurt when I hurt? Does he feel the "parental" pain of watching his child hurt?

I have to believe He does, although I have never really thought about it like this before. I know God is a loving God, that he cares about me. But to make it so personal, hurting when I hurt, or hurting when Tommy hurts? That's different.

I guess I always think about God as being really "busy". You know with all the other people in the world, the wars that are going on, people that are sick and dying, etc....Surely, He's got more to do than worry about me?

The thought that He not only knows me, but also feels my hurt is amazing.

God really does feel my hurt. He also feels Tommy's hurt. God is a personal God. He gets in our business, and he is there to wipe away our tears and help us pick up the pieces of our broken heart.

Oh God, thank you that you are a personal God. That you know my hurts, but even more you know Tommy's hurts. Lord, his heart is broken. He is sad and there is nothing I can do to fix it. When he was a boy, when he was hurt, he would run to me, I would pick him up, kiss it and make it all better. God, I can't do that anymore. At times I feel helpless. Lord, you are the healer of the broken heart. I give you all my hurts, I give you Tommy and his hurts. Lord heal my child. You blessed me with him and I know that you love him even more than I love him.

Father, be with Brian and help him as he adjust to his new school and new friends. Thank you for bringing him into our life. Thank you that we are not the same because of him. Lord I pray that you will draw each boy close to you. Fill the emptiness in their hearts, bring new Christian friends into their lives. Thank you Lord. I love you.

Be Blessed!
Lisa

GPS = God Positioning System!

2008-10-28T06:00:00.005-05:00
Have you ever traveled alone to a place you have never been before? I did yesterday! Greetings from Atlanta, Georgia. The home of the "original sweet tea"!

"Back in the day", the journey I took yesterday from Columbia SC to Atlanta GA would have unnerved me. I would have been stressed out and worried about getting lost, etc..

But yesterday, I was calm. You know why? Because "Dave" was with me. You might be asking "who's Dave"? And "does Charlie know about Dave"?

Dave is my personal GPS. (on my phone) His voice is called Dave so that's what I call him. Yes, I talk to Dave. Traveling alone, I find myself talking to lots of things! It's funny when Dave wants to take me one way, but I think I need to go another. Usually I win (I am the human you know!), but sometimes I "play along" just to see where he takes me!

That was the case yesterday. I had printed out a map (just in case Dave didn't get it right) and when I got about 30 miles away from Atlanta, Dave was telling me to exit. The map said to keep traveling about 36 more miles and then exit.

Going against my better judgement I followed Dave. He took me the back roads through a couple of small towns and I made it to my hotel in better time than I would have if I had followed my printed map, which would've taken me into Atlanta around the loop, fighting traffic the whole way.

Dave's route took me through some beautiful countryside. I saw some lovely houses and farms. It was a relaxing drive that I would never have witnessed if I would have gone with my "gut" and ignored Dave.

This morning God spoke to me and reminded me that He is my ultimate GPS. Like Dave sometimes He takes me places I have never been before. Also like Dave at times I ignore his directions and go my own way thinking God really doesn't know the best way, I do. How many times I have missed out on blessings like yesterday when in my stubbornness, I've ignored God and gone my own way?

God also reminded me this morning that I have to listen carefully to Him and follow his exact instructions. If I only choose to listen to part of his instructions or obey part of his directions I will find myself lost! Then just like Dave, God has to "recalculate" and get me back on track!

Father God, help me to hear you. Help me to also obey your directions. You know the best route for my life and Lord when I try to take control, by ignoring your words I end up lost and off track. Lord, help me to remember that if I try to use another map other than listening to you, I get myself into the traffic of life that is slow and stressful and I'm missing the blessings you have for me on your route.

Lord, I pray today, that you will give me ears to hear you! And the faith to follow your directions even when they don't make sense to me!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

God Supplies 100% Of My Daily Requirements!

2008-10-23T06:26:00.005-05:00
Do you take vitamins? I did, then I stopped, now I do again!

It's amazing how much better I feel when I take a multi-vitamin everyday. I have more energy, I'm more alert, I require less sleep, I just feel better! So what does a vitamin have in it that makes me feel so good?

Exactly what I need! And it adjust everyday to my different needs! If I'm not eating enough veggies, it's got me covered! Not enough milk, or fruit, no problem! It gives me 100% of the daily requirements of what my body needs!

Isn't that just like God? He's got just what I need! But I have to remember to ask just like I have to remember to take my vitamins!

If I'm worrying, he can fill me with peace. Not enough faith? He's there! He gives me 100% of my daily requirement of whatever I need. And just like my physical body that might need one thing one day and something else on another, God knows just what I need and adjusts accordingly everyday!

The big thing that I have to remember is that I have to ask! I think I get so busy sometimes that I forget God is there waiting for me to ask him for help.

I am concentrating this week on being aware of times when I need something that only God can give me. Peace in the time of turmoil, faith when I don't see results, persistence when I want to give up. He's got me covered! 100% of whatever my daily requirement is today!

Dear God, everyday for me is a new adventure. Every time I answer the phone or an email I have the opportunity to ask you for help and direction. Help me to remember to just ask! Help me to remember that you have every ingredient that I am lacking and you know exactly how much I need every day.

Lord, my life is changing as a wife, mom and employee. Tommy is growing up and needs a mom that is close when he needs me, but doesn't hover the rest of the time. Charlie needs a wife that is respectful and supportive even when things aren't going well with his work. And my work continues to command that I adjust to change. (which you know is not my strength)!

I thank you God that you are with me every moment. Help me to remember to call on you even for the small things in life. Help me to remember that if I miss a day with you, just like if I miss a day taking my vitamins that I won't feel as strong or healthy as I could. That whatever my need is, where ever I am lacking, you are there to provide it for me!

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious
riches in Christ Jesus". Philippians 4:19

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Where's Lisa?

2008-10-21T06:28:00.006-05:00
If you are one of the many that check my blog daily or regularly I apologize for "disappearing" this past week. I have found that blogging, like making phone calls or sending emails is difficult when I am going through a hard time. Imagine not only having to experience stress and uncertainty, but then to live it over and over and detail it in writing. I'm not making excuses, I'm trying to explain, not just to you, but to me as well!

I made a commitment to myself that even if no one reads my blog I will write every day and document my journey as I become transformed by the grace of God.

So, I'm back. Recommitting myself to God, my family, First Place 4 Health and my blog. Things have been very difficult lately. It's hard to write about my struggles because I feel them again when I write. However, as I write God always teaches me another lesson, sometimes a different lesson that the one I originally learned.

There is a song that I am clinging to right now...It's called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. I heard it as I watched "Fire Proof" the new movie with Kirk Cameron in it. (It's a great movie that I recommend everyone go see.) Here are the words to the song. Bear with me as I write them and also as I cry to them!

"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord and I am hopeful, I'm waiting on you Lord, though it is painful, but patiently I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting, I will serve you, while I'm waiting, I will worship, while I'm waiting, I will not fade, I'll be running the race, even while I wait.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord and I am peaceful, I'm waiting on you Lord, though it's not easy, but faithfully I will wait. Yes I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting, I will serve you, while I'm waiting, I will worship, while I'm waiting, I will not fade, I'll be running the race, even while I wait.

I will move ahead ahead, bold and confident, I'll be taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting, I will serve you while I'm waiting I will worship while I'm waiting, I will not fade, I'll be running the race, even while I wait.....

What a great song! What inspirational words! The Bible Study in First Place this session has focused on "running the good race". When I heard the song above and heard the line "I'll be running the race", I just smiled. God always confirms where I am and what I'm going through and that He is control in such wonderful ways.

Without taking up too much time, because I do have to go to work today! I'd like to say that for the last week I feel like I am taking each second as it comes. I can't look any farther out than that. Every second I am walking by faith. I don't know what the next second looks like, but I know God does and he has planned it and no matter what it is, He will be there to hold me, direct me and love me.

Thank you God for music. Thank you for words that are penned by people, and for the way they touch my heart in the deepest way possible. Lord I am waiting. I'm waiting on You and as I wait on You I will serve you, I will continue to be obedient.

Lord help me to listen for You and to You. Help me to take every step, every second by faith knowing that you are in control! And not only that you are in control, but help me to remember that you care about me and what I am going through.

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy, but have set my feel in a spacious place." Psalm 31:7

Be Blessed,
Lisa

That's What Friends Are For!

2008-10-14T12:04:00.004-05:00
How many friends do you have? Most people will answer that question "I have 2 or 3 really close friends, and lots of acquaintance/friends". That used to be me! But for some reason about 7 years ago I stopped having friends.

I think it all started when I was sent home to work by my company. Instead of having "girl time" in the mornings, drinking coffee and smoking cigarette's (back when I smoked!) and sharing intimate details with girls in the office, I was thrust into a "working solo" position.

I really missed those "office talks", the "girl time" every morning. I went through a time where I felt very isolated. I had just moved to a new city, as well as working out of the house or in the field alone. After a while though, it started to feel normal.

Then when I was promoted to sales manager, I started working with reps, so I wasn't alone, but I couldn't be friends with my sales reps because they work for me and things happen, so I have to for the most part keep it "professional".

It really didn't even come to my attention until recently that I don't have any friends. Charlie is my best friend and that makes for a good marriage, but what about "girl time"? Try as he may, he really doesn't qualify and alot of the time, just doesn't get it! (he can't help it, he's a guy!)

This last weekend was a real eye opener. In my First Place Class I had my first major "melt down". I started to ask for a prayer request about the situation with Tommy and couldn't even get the first sentence out before I was crying. I had no idea how many emotions were bottled up inside of me. The women were so supportive and gave me really good advice. I felt relieved and humiliated all at the same time. My motto has always been, "when I lead I need to be the one that has it all together".

That motto goes for work or teaching First Place. Having a meltdown in front of people that look to you to lead is humbling to say the least!

As the morning went on, I decided to scrap the class and had us all head over to the hospital to see and pray with one of our class members that was rushed to the hospital Friday morning. The visit was so wonderful, I know that she was grateful that we came, but I also know that the "visitors" were blessed as well.

I had some time in the car riding over there with different members of the class and I continued talking about Tommy and the situation. And when I got back home, my thought was "what a great day, I feel like I made friends today". It was an awesome feeling.

My new friends, not only did not judge me, but they loved all over me and accepted me in all my mess. Isn't that what being a friend is all about? Loving each other and accepting each other in the good times and the bad, praying with and for their needs and hurts and being there to say "Amen" when the prayers are answered!

As Sunday rolled around, God's gift of "friendship" for me grew even greater. There was an incident with Charlie going to church and I was very upset. I saw one of my "new" friends across the church service and I got up and walked over to her and asked her to meet me in the hall.

Meltdown #2 for the weekend! But she was there, she held my hands and prayed for me and even better, prayed for Charlie. Then she asked me to sit with her. That was new to me as well. I usually sit by myself or with Charlie.

The new friendships that I am making are such a gift from God. I know that the First Place program is a four sided program working on the physical, emotional, spiritual and mental. God has really been healing my emotional side. He is drawing me out of my shell and blessing me with new friends. It's like having lots of ministering angels surround me, only they are in earthly bodies!

Thank you Lord for my new friends. Thank you that you knew my need, before I was even aware of it! Friends are important Lord and now I see that! Help me Lord to continue to be open and trusting. I have such a hard time getting close to people and trusting them with my hurts and feelings. Help me Lord to be the kind of friend that you call all of us to be. A friend that sticks closer than a brother (or sister)!

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone! Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Be Blessed,
Lisa

The Pain Of Childbirth Is Nothing Compared To Raising A Teen!

2008-10-08T17:14:00.007-05:00
Do you think God cries when I mess up?

Today I found out that Tommy made a bonehead mistake. I'm upset about the mistake, actually shocked and disappointed is probably a better description. But on top of the mistake he tried to cover the mistake up with a lie. That has hurt me so bad I feel like I am going to be physically sick. As I sit here crying I wonder how many times God has cried over me when I went astray?

Now I know how my parents must have felt when I made some serious boneheaded mistakes in my teens. The tears, the broken trust, the pain of the punishment implemented, now I know.

But even more than the pain my parents felt, I can only imagine the pain God must feel as he has watched me make poor choices over and over and over. His patience, forgiveness and love are very evident to me now.

I just tried to call Tommy and didn't get him. I need to tell him that I love him and that I forgive him. The punishment has been handed down, but that doesn't mean I don't love him or I'm not proud he is my son.

The frustration that I feel being in Wisconsin while this is going on as well as the guilt that I feel. Guilt that I'm not there. The what ifs....What if I didn't travel for my job? I really don't need to go down that road. I am a good mom and I do the best that I can. Charlie is a good dad and handled today just fine.

And thank God for a godly Youth Minister that gives advice and supports us as we struggle raising two teen boys. Zelvis was wonderful today, helping us keep mostly clear heads and keeping the punishment within reason.

Oh Lord, I can't imagine the number of times you have sat crying over my mistakes or our broken relationship. Father God, please forgive me for the times I have failed you and let you down. Lord help Charlie and me to be good parents. Give us wisdom as we raise Bobby and Tommy. Give us insight when they are drifting off the narrow path.

Father I pray that you will heal my heart. It feels broken in two right now. Help me to forgive myself. Help me to know that I do the best job that I can raising Tommy. Thank you for Charlie.

Draw Tommy close to you. I know he must be hurting as well. Heal his heart and help him to grow and learn from this experience, no matter how painful it is.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Boy, I Would Have Liked To Just Slap That Woman A Time Or Two!

2008-10-08T06:13:00.005-05:00
Have you ever said something totally innocent and had it misinterpreted? Have you ever "offended" someone and not meant to? Or have you ever had a total stranger just act like they don't like you? That happened to me Sunday night and God has taught me many lessons through it!

My memory verse this week is 1 Timothy 6:11

"But you (Lisa),(wo)man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness"

Sunday night when I was taking the shuttle to the grocery store I could tell the shuttle driver (a woman) was having a bad attitude. It started with her shutting the bus door in my face as I walked up to it! That should have tipped me off!

On the ride back to my hotel room from the grocery store I was totally blown away by what she said to me. First she started yelling at me because I told the security people she passed us twice before she picked us up (which she did!). I asked her why she was so mad? And told her I didn't mean to get her in trouble, and if I did I apologize. Then she told me that I had offended her earlier when I made a comment. The comment was totally taken wrong, (it had nothing to do with what she thought) and again I apologized about four more times that I had offended her. I just kept praying "God help me be patient and kind to this woman".

This whole episode had me so upset that I could hardly sleep that night. How could someone that didn't even know me "hate me", "misunderstand me" and treat me like that?

I didn't see her again until yesterday afternoon. Every time I went out to the bus and saw that it wasn't her I was relieved!

But yesterday, I was getting on the bus with a bunch of other folks and saw she was driving, I determined I was going to "kill her with kindness". So she was smiling at everyone that got on and when she saw me she just scowled at me. I said "good afternoon, how are you doing?" While I was thinking "man, she really hates me".

I was dreading last night because I was going to have to take the bus to dinner. I was praying the whole time I walked down to the bus. "God, please help me to be nice to this woman", and then "God, make this woman nice to me"!

I got on the bus and guess what? She was nice to me! It was a Jeckle and Hyde moment. The whole evening driving me to and from dinner she laughed and talked and actually treated me human.

As I read my memory verse again this morning I thought about how God had taken this incident and taught me a few valuable lessons.

Lesson 1: I can't control what other people think or feel about me.

Lesson 2: When I offend someone, even if I didn't mean to....apologize.

Lesson 3: Be nice to mean people!

Lesson 4: Pray that God will help me be nice, and also pray that God will change the other person!

Thank you God for "real life" lessons. I feel like with your grace and strength I passed this test. Boy would I have liked to just slap that woman a time or two! But God you helped me to stay calm! Thank you Lord that you are always there when I have a situation that is bothering me. Thank you that you saw my tears the other night as I cried myself to sleep. I love you and thank you for this day and the opportunities that you will give me to continue to work on righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Thank God I'm 46!

2008-10-07T06:35:00.006-05:00
Greetings from Central Wisconsin. I have slept and prayed a lot since my last post so I am feeling better.

I don't have a lot of time to write while I am here, but I did want to share what I am learning about myself and God even if I am brief.

There are mostly "20 somethings" in the class that I am participating in while at my corporate office. As I watch them in class, and in general I can say one thing for certain. THANK GOD I'M 46!

I went to dinner with a friend from here last night and we were talking about that exact thing. If we could go back and have the energy and body of a 20 something and the wisdom that we have gained from the years we have lived. We'd both be dangerous!

Years of experience, broken hearts, broken promises, disappointments, but also, successes, friendships gained, promises fulfilled, having a child, being married all make me who I am today.

God I thank you that I am where I am today. You have been with me through quite a ride I call my life! Some of the mountains I placed there and some you placed there, but you have been by my side either way.

I thank you that this time as I visit Wisconsin and my corporate office, I am seeking you before I walk out the door of my hotel room to go to work. Lord, I can't face the corporate world without you filling me with your Holy Spirit, walking with me and in front of me as my shield and protector.

Lord they have asked me to teach this morning in the class. This was a surprise as I was not supposed to teach until tomorrow. Give me wisdom, a calm spirit, a clear mind, and I pray that the words that come out of my mouth will be your words.

Thank you that I always know you are with me. I commit myself to you today as a wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, employee, boss, friend. Use me for your purpose. God I am YOURS!

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"
Psalm 8:3-4

Be Blessed,
Lisa

It's Just That Kind Of Night....

2008-10-05T20:31:00.007-05:00
Ever feel like everything you touch turns out wrong. That's the kind of night I'm having. I've been up since 4:00 this morning. I am in central Wisconsin for the week.

God help me, I feel like a failure, and I'm alone. Everything I say or do tonight is wrong. I'm really tired and going to bed. I hope tomorrow is better.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

No Matter What, Keep Your Feet Moving and Your Eyes On The Goal!

2008-10-03T21:22:00.008-05:00
I can't believe it's been almost a week since I blogged last! This week has flown by and definitely had some learning experiences in it!

I went to my counselor this week. It was supposed to be a Charlie/Lisa appointment, but Charlie "was tired" and begged off. Just as well as I had some "issues" to discuss with Russ. Meaning issues with Charlie that I could then "speak freely" about! However, I think the biggest revelation from my appointment was when Russ said I need to be prepared for anything. What if Charlie doesn't get this job we are wanting him to get? I need to resign myself that we will be okay either way, God is still at work!

That has been the running theme this entire week. It started last weekend during my First Place Class. One of the ladies gave the analogy of playing football, she said you have to keep your feet moving, keep running even though the world is trying to tackle you! Keep you eye on the goal!

Isn't that a great word picture? I love it. For the last couple of weeks I have felt like the world has been trying to tackle me. I have learned that I need to keep my eyes on God and just keep my feet moving.

I have prayed and worried (not necessarily in that order) about Charlies job or future job. Finally after talking with Russ I decided to just let it go. We will be fine whether Charlie gets that job or not. God is still in control.

Then this morning as I was walking I was listening to Joyce Meyer on my Ipod and she was talking about not going to God every day with the same prayer request over and over and over. I do that! I've always been under the impression that I would keep praying for it, until I got a yes or no! (Can you tell I'm in sales?!) You know a kind of "wearing Him down", until God says "OKAY LISA, Enough", and then he just gives it to me!"

Joyce was talking about how as a parent if Tommy asked me for a pair of shoes I wouldn't want him to come to me every day asking over and over. That would really start to annoy me. He only needs to ask me once and then just be quiet and wait until I work it all out and get him a pair of shoes. Now it might not be the EXACT shoes he asked for, but they will be the best shoes for him!

I need to get into the habit of asking God once and then thanking him for working even though it doesn't feel or look like it!

God has shown himself in wonderful ways this week. We are still in limbo with Charlie's job. I am leaving Sunday morning to go to Central Wisconsin! Life goes on and God is still at work!

Thank you God that you don't need to be constantly reminded of my hearts desires. I can share them with you once and then praise you and thank you for working it out. Lord there are many things that feel like they are pressing in on me, I thank you for the word picture that you gave me this week. Help me to keep my eyes on You and to keep my feet moving. Help me not to get bogged down, which will lead me back into depression.

Lord, I love you. The world is crazy and unsure. You are my constant. You never change! You are my yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

On Christ The Solid Rock I Stand!

2008-09-27T06:16:00.006-05:00
I can feel myself slowly coming out of the "funk" I've been in this week. I don't think I will be totally "normal" (using that word loosely!) until we definitely find out about Charlie's job. There is something about being in limbo, waiting for the call, not knowing what the future holds that makes me anxious. How about you?

"Not knowing what the future holds"? When do I ever know what the future holds? I may think I do, but I really don't. Every day, even well planned out days, can turn awry in an instant. So why do I rely on being "certain" about the future?

I think this time it all has to do with our finances. Like many people now days we have way too much month at the end of our money. The position Charlie is waiting to hear about would greatly improve that situation so my "hope" is in him getting that job.

I can't believe I just wrote that. I shouldn't put my "hope" in anything or anyone except God. He will provide this job for Charlie if that is where he wants him, and he will provide it in the time frame that HE wants, not me. If Charlie doesn't get that job, God can provide a better one for him.

The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him"
Lamentations 3:24

I need to trust in the Lord. When troubles come my way and uncertainty about the future, I should just know what to do, trust in God that He is in control, and that He has my best interests at heart.

I found myself having a "mild" anxiety situation yesterday. I don't call them attacks, because it's not bad (paralyzing), just a very uncomfortable feeling. A feeling like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I couldn't believe that I was that anxious. I haven't felt like that way physically in a really long time.

I bet I'm not alone in that feeling. Just watching the news this week, could throw anyone into an anxiety "situation", or maybe even a full blown panic attack. I'm not going to even presume that I know much about the economic situation. I do know that it's not good. I can see that much. I also know now is not the time to panic, but to pray.

We need to pray for our country and our leaders that they will be led by wisdom and not greed. I have always promised myself that I would not get political on my blog. This is not a political forum.

God cares about this country and it's economic situation as much as He cares about my family's economic situation. My beliefs that are important to share on my blog are my beliefs in God and his control over EVERYTHING. To share how and what he is doing in my heart, mind, soul and body. To journal how he is transforming me into the woman he made me to be from the mess that I created!

It's time for me to rest in Him. Trust Him with my future. Even though I don't know what the future holds, God does and He is working in my best interest. He's making plans for me that are good, not just for me, but for Charlie, Tommy and Bobby.

Anxiety is a physical reaction to a spiritual condition in my case. A condition of not trusting God. I just started singing the following song in my mind. It's an old Baptist hymn that I sang as a child. If you know it...sing along with me! It's called "The Solid Rock".

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness; I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name. On Christ the solid rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on His unchanging grace; In every high and stormy gale, My anchor holds within the veil. On Christ the solid rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.
His oath, His covenant, His blood Support me in the whelming flood; When all around my soul gives way, He then is ALL MY HOPE AND STAY! On Christ the solid rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.
When He shall come with trumpet sound, Oh, may I then in Him be found; Dressed in His righteousness alone, Faultless to stand before the throne. On Christ the solid rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.

Lord, this week I have felt like I was in sinking sand. Help me God to stand on Christ the solid rock. Lord help me to put ALL my hope in YOU. You know my future and it is in Your hand. You don't need my help, and worrying doesn't do either of us any good! God it's hard not to worry. Give me peace about Charlie's job, help me to rest in You and know you are in control.

Be Blessed,
Lisa

Worry Is Me Trying To Fix Something I Have No Business Trying To Fix!

2008-09-24T09:44:00.007-05:00
I guess as depressed as I started out this week, to say I'm improving should be a given! I am improving but not totally back to my normal self. I do have some interesting observations from the past couple of days. Observations that I believe indicate that I'm making progress in my every day journey to a healthy and balanced Lisa!

The first thing I did yesterday out of the norm was I packed a cooler with water, yogurt and fruit to take on my trip. I don't know why I never did that before? Sometimes I just want to hit my forehead and say "duh"!

Then after driving to Austin and working with my sales rep and then driving on to San Antonio I arrived at my hotel around 4 in the afternoon. After getting settled, I put on my work out clothes and went down to the work out room! Very matter of fact, there was no big scene inside me. No battle between my heart, body and mind! I just got up, got dressed and did it!

When I walked in the work out room there was a man already on the treadmill. That's what I had planned on using. My first thought was "great, I wonder how long he is going to be, maybe I should just come back"? Then I saw the bicycle open and I got on it, I rode 7 miles in 30 minutes! The whole 30 minutes! Sometimes I make it like 20 and then rationalize the other 10 and try to quit!

I did notice how fat I looked in the mirror? Are mirrors in work out rooms and dressing rooms different from every day mirrors? I always look so huge in those mirrors. Maybe they are like those fun house mirrors that really aren't all that fun. I don't know. All I know is I can't wait until I see myself in a mirror in a work out room or dressing room and think to myself that I look good. Notice I didn't say hot or sexy...I'm just waiting for good!

I slept in this morning until 6:30. That's really late for me but it felt good! My Bible Study was an appropriate word from God (as usual). It was about how worry can kill the work that God is doing in me. Or at least that was my interpretation!

I have been worrying a lot this week. You know what worry is?

Worry is me trying to fix something that I have no business trying to fix.

So I've been trying to fix Charlie and his relationship with Bobby, I even tried to fix Charlie's ex-wife (gosh, if she could just be a little more like me!) or if I could at least make her see, admit and confess to the errors of her ways!, trying to fix my mom and my relationship with her and probably many more issues and people that I need to just leave with God.

I guess my depression this week has come from me concentrating on the problems of the day or weekend and not concentrating on my relationship with God. Not really trusting God. If I had prayed and given all my worries to God maybe my depression would not have been so bad or maybe it would not have surfaced at all.

Today I am concentrating on resting in his goodness and the fact that I know from a lifetime of experience that even when it feels like God is not around or at work, HE IS.

My memory verse this week is:

But the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.
Mark 4:19

Bottom line, the worries of my life have choked out Gods word. The Word that says He loves me, is holding me by my right hand and helping me, never leaving me or forsaking me.

Thank you Lord that day by day, through my ups and downs you are always there, consistently loving me, holding me and protecting me. Help me Lord to remember that you are in control. You are in control of whether or not Charlie gets this job he so desperately wants, you are in control of Charlie and Bobby and their relationship, you are also in control of me and my emotions. Thank you that you have given me Your Holy Spirit. Thank you that He gives me the strength to make it through every day, developing and building relationships with people.

Help me Lord to take my worries to you first and leave them at your feet. Help me to not turn around and pick them up and try to fix them myself when it looks to me like you are not fixing things in a timetable that I see "appropriate". God give me peace and patience as I wait on you!

Be Blessed,
Lisa

I Can't Shake This Feeling God, Where Are You?

2008-09-22T18:19:00.008-05:00
I still feel like I am in a black hole. This is so unlike me. In case you are wondering, yes, I'm taking my "happy pills" as well as my hormones, so I don't think it's chemical. Look at me self diagnosing myself!

This morning I was watching a video from Casting Crowns, "Praise You In This Storm" I just sat and cried.

"I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
CHORUS: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm".

I'm waiting on you to step in and save the day Lord. I just can't shake this feeling God where are you? Why are things so dark now? I'm doing everything you have asked me and now I feel like you have desserted me. I know you haven't, but it still feels like it.

This morning I read in Isaiah how you take hold of my right hand and help me. God I need your help. I need your strength.

It's overwhelming God. I'm still holding on to you. I'm still believing you are in control. God you are the only one that can lift this spirit of depression from me. I pray Lord that you will restore my laugh. I love to laugh. I haven't laughed all day and I miss it.

Thank you God that you listen to me whine, moan, cry and pout, and You still love me and want to help me! You are amazing God!

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,
Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13

Be Blessed,
Lisa

I Need Some Rest From Drama!

2008-09-21T20:59:00.011-05:00
The best thing about tonight is it ends this miserable weekend. I've never been more glad to see a Sunday night in my entire life.

From Bobby leaving Friday night and going home, to me emailing Charlie's ex-wife (note to self, don't ever do that again!), to Charlie being on edge and stressed about not hearing about the job that he wants so badly to a blow up with my mom this afternoon. Trust me it was as bad as it sounds!

Thank goodness I had church this morning because God only knows how much worse I would have reacted. I'm trying really hard, but like Paul says in the New Testament, I do what I don't want and don't do what I want.

Having relationships with people is so difficult. Different aspects, problems, past issues, current or future issues, sometimes it seems to me like it really isn't worth it.

I told my class the other day that I don't have any friends. That must sound quite ironic since I have a blog that many people read every day. I put myself out there for the whole world to know. I told them that I'm not comfortable one on one for the most part. I'm in my zone when I am teaching in front of a class or blogging for whoever to read.

My closest and dearest friend in the whole world (other than Charlie and he doesn't count, cause he really doesn't know what having "girl time" means) is Benita. She lives in Houston. She has been without power for 9 days now thanks to Ike.

She's amazing. It doesn't matter how mad or frustrated I get, she can make me laugh. And within a small text message this week, she put all my priorities back in line and gave me a new and improved attitude.

This was her text "5 days without power, God is good. The nights are cool and there is a full moon so we have light". Wow, isn't that amazing? She has lost 3 freezers full of food, hasn't had power in 5 days and she's pointing out how good God is! Makes me feel like such a jerk!

I haven't talked to her this weekend, but I think I will call her tomorrow. After I tell her about my weekend and how angry I am, and about emailing Charlie's ex I know exactly what she will say...."Girl, God don't like ugly"!

That's how I feel right now. Ugly, angry, frustrated just down right out of sorts. Just where the devil wants me.

I know he is trying to get me off kilter. I've been going along doing good, getting closer to God, just "being blessed" as I like to say. That's got to piss off the devil!

So are the problems that have me down this evening really worth all this effort and emotion I'm putting into them? NO, I don't think they are.

People are going to be people and people are going to let me down. It's not what happens to me that tells what I am like on the inside, it's how I react.

I'm glad to say, for the most part (and again I have been far from perfect), I have handled myself with dignity and grace. Boy have I wanted to let some folks really have it though!

God, it wasn't even 12 hours ago that I was standing in church singing and praising your name. My afternoon went down hill quickly. Lord, help me to forgive those I need to forgive, to love those I need to love and to not email those I need to not email!

Lord, I'm frustrated tonight and anxious. I had a major meltdown this afternoon in the car. Just sobbing and crying, mostly feeling sorry for myself, but also just being so incredibly angry at people and situations. Lord, heal my broken heart. Lord help me to not be ugly. I've said some things that I shouldn't have said. Help me to put this weekend, and this day behind me.

Tomorrow is a new day. God, if you could, please let it be uneventful. I need some rest from drama.

I thank you that you are my best friend, you never let me down, and you are always there to pick me up, wipe away my tears and set me back on track!

Be Blessed,
Lisa